Day: October 4, 2024

Racism

What’s a topic or issue about which you’ve changed your mind?

Born in 1950, I was raised in the rabidly racist South. I heard the N word daily, though my mother forbade it. My father had no such compunctions. I fully bought into racism, sure whites were superior. I didn’t know a single black person. Then I went to college. I made black friends. I would have liked to have invited them home a but knew that would ignite a firestorm. I am so grateful I learned the truth. If I learned, anyone can.

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Esthernewton.wordpress.com

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Hilarious Short Stories with a Twist

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.” The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. “You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. “Well, did you see this?” “Yes,” motioned the monkey. “What happened?” The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. “They were drinking?” asked the officer. “Yes.” “What else?” The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. “They were smoking marijuana?” “Yes.” “Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked.” “Yes.” “What were you doing during all this?” “Driving.” motioned the monkey.

Share Rate: A Lawyer’s Priorities… One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden, an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver’s side door with him standing right there. “NOOO!” he screamed. Because he knew that no matter how much a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a policeman came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. “MY BMW’S DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!” he exclaimed. “You’re a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman. “Yes, I am. But what does this have to do with my car?” the lawyer asked. “HA!” the policeman replied. “You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about are your possessions. I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed: “MY ROLEX!!”

The Dolphin Trainer An elderly man rear ends a young man driving an expensive sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man. “Look what you did to my car” he yells. “you’re gonna give me $10,000 right now or I’m gonna beat you to a pulp!” “Oh my” says the old man, “I don’t have that kind of money. Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he’ll know what to do.” “Dolphins…”, the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes. The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as the son answers, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man. “So, YOU’RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, your old man here just rear ended my car and I need ten grand right now or I’m gonna beat you AND your old man to a pulp. So you better train those dolphins to bring you some cash!” “I’ll be there in 10 minutes.” says the voice calmly on the other end. Exactly ten minutes later a pickup truck pulls up. A huge guy hops out and proceeds to walk calmly towards the bully. Before the enraged young man can speak, the man smoothly rams his head against the other man’s forehead. The bully crumples like paper and the other man catches him, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he’s finished, he walks over to the old man and says: “For the last time dad… I train seals… Navy Seals…. NOT dolphins.” Share Rate: A Hell of a Choice An American and a Russian, who have sinned much in their life, both die in a car accident and go to Hell at the same time. They are met at the gates by Satan, who offers them a choice: They can either go to American Hell or Russian Hell. Both new arrivals are curious as to what the difference is, so Satan explains that in American Hell you are free to do whatever you want; you’ll find that we have all the finest amenities here in Hell, whatever your heart desires, you can find it here! However, you have to eat a shovel-full of manure each morning, but then you’re free to do whatever you’d like. Russian hell is basically the same, but you have to eat TWO shovels full of manure before your start your day. The American is quick to choose American hell, but is flabbergasted when the Russian chooses to go to Russian hell. Several eons later the American bumps into the Russian and says “My Russian friend, Hell wasn’t what I thought at all! Every day I play a round of golf on a beautiful golf course. I hang out with my friends at an amazing social club until late in the afternoon. I meet the most beautiful and charming women. Every night I have an incredible steak dinner at a Michelin Star restaurant. I honestly don’t mind eating the shovel-full of manure in the morning anymore. I mean, it’s no picnic, but you get used to it. One thing has bothered me all this time though, why did you choose to go to Russian Hell? Was it a mistake?” The Russian shrugs: “No mistake. This is Russian Hell, most of the time there is no shovel, and the rest of the time there is no manure!”

https://www.ba-bamail.com/jokes/animal-jokes/?jokeid=984

Lou and Lynn Part 1 Memorable Moments: Riding Bikes with Grandma

Grandma was old and slow but could be cool sometimes. She was funny, always ready to play with Lou. Best of all, when Lou they got to spend the night together, Grandma told her stories. Not the “once upon a time kind” but stories about when Grandma was a kid. She must have been a cool kid from the tales she told. The stories went on until Lou went to sleep.


Grandma was horrible at video games, so one day they decided to find something else to do.
Once they got outside, Grandma was worried about riding a scooter. She poked along on an old bicycle, wobbling every time she hit a little bump. “Whoa! Don’t go off and leave me!” It was hard to ride that slowly. Lou rode in circles so Grandma could keep up.

They didn’t get too far before Grandma needed a break. It must be exhausting being that old. Lou was dizzy from the circling anyway. As they parked under a tree and dug into their snack bags, a bolt of lightning split the sky, Thunder crashed all around them. Soon, it was raining so hard they couldn’t see as far as the road. Lou wished she was safe at home with her parents.

Grandma was upset. “There was’t a cloud in the sky when we left! How did this pop up?”

”What are we gonna do? Lou asked. “I’m scared!”

”I don’t like it either” Grandma said. Just then, another ear-splitting crash of thunder rattled the sky.

The next thing Lou knew, she was picking herself up off the ground, surrounded by fallen pears. Grandma must have been scared and run off. Lou was surprised. She didn’t think Grandma could get out of sight that fast, The sun came out. As Lou looked around, a girl fell out of the tree, almost on top of her. She dusted off her shorts and picked up a couple of pears. “Wow! You have a bike. I wish I had a bike! Do you want a pear?”
Lou had never had a pear straight from a tree, nor even seen a pear tree.

“Nah! I’ve got a juice box and some grapes in my backpack.” When Lou looked around, neither her backpack nor Grandma was anywhere in sight.

”Where am I? Where’s my grandma? She was just here.” Lou was confused.

”You’re on my family’s farm and I never saw your Grandma. We’ll look around for her. What’s your name? I’m Lynn. Come on!”

“I’m Lou and I have to find Grandma I don’t remember being this far from town. There’s not even a real road here.” Lou kicked a rock out of the dirt road.

“Come on, Lou. It looks like a break in the rain! Let’s get in the barn before we get soaked!” Lynn took off running, her ponytail bouncing. Her bare feet kicked up a dust. How in the world could she run like than on rocks?

Rain pelted the girls as they dashed in the huge barn doors. As Lou’s eyes got used to the shadows, she saw dust dancing in the sunbeams in through the big open doors. The strange smell made her sneeze. Huge stacks of hay were stacked high up the barn walls, reaching all the way to the ceiling. A few big dog flop-eared dogs burst through the open doors, barking like the they were having a contest. Jumping up on the stairs steps of hay, they rolled around drying themselves off. A big one jumped on a couple of puppies like she was going to tear them apart!

”Stop them’” Lou yelled. “That big dog is going to hurt those puppies!” Lynn didn’t act worried at all.

”Nah. That’s their mama. She’s just teaching them some manners. Here puppies.” At that, the puppies bounced down like rubber balls, licking Lynn for all they were worth. “These silly guys always think I need a bath.”

By now, the rain was pounding the roof so hard Lou had to shout to make herself heard. “Is this a tornado?”

Lynn laughed.”No. It’s fine. Haven’t you ever heard rain on a tin roof?

To be continued

A Patient’s Fishing Trip: An Unexpected Tale

Hemodialysis treatments typically lasted four hours when I worked in the hospital as a dialysis nurse. I knew many of my patients quite well since it was not uncommon for them to have occasional admissions. Sometimes, we had time to visit once their treatment was in progress. One of my patients, Joe, told me an unforgettable story. A brittle diabetic, he was struggling with failing vision, as well as kidney failure. Hoping to cheer him up, his mother took him fishing. Instead of putting their catch on a stringer, Mama just tossed their fish in a five-gallon bucket of water in the edge of the lake. When they got ready to go home, they put the bucket on the floorboard behind the back seat of their vehicle. Mama was driving, Joe, her passenger, had his arm stretched across the back of the bench seat. Out of the blue, Mama screamed, “Snake! Snake!”, screeched to a halt, and abandoned poor Joe to the snake which had caught a ride in the bucket of fish.

Somehow, the poor sightless man managed to get himself out of the vehicle without his terrified mother’s help. She wouldn’t come near the car with the snake in it. Providentially, a Good Samaritan came to his aid. He never mentioned the outcome with the snake. That story gave me nightmares!