Best of the Morning Funnies

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money
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money

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.


“Daddy,” a little boy asked his father. “How much does it cost to get married?”

“I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it.”


Talent does what it can, genius what it must.

I do what I get paid to do.

girl,bikini:5

What is the thinnest book in the world?

“What men know about women.”


What do you call a womanwho works as hard as a man?

Lazy.

policeman,shield

What not to say to the nice policeman:

I can’t reach my licenseunless you hold my beer.


What is the differencebetween a sofa and a manwatching Monday Night Football?

The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.

Grown Up

When was the first time you really felt like a grown up (if ever)?

I felt totally foot-loose and fancy-free until the birth of my first child. With his birth, I understood I was totally responsible for his life. I realized his needs came before everything else. I felt like I became a totally different person.

Penguin jokes

What do penguins sing at their birthday parties?

Freeze a jolly good fellow.

How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together.

Where does a penguin keep all his money?

In the snow bank.

 

The other day a police officer pulls over a man driving a bus over and walks on up to the side windows and he sees 20 penguins in there.

The officer questions the man “sir, are these your penguins?”

The man replies “yep, they are my pet penguins”

The officer then says “sir, I am going to need you to take those penguins to the zoo immediately!”

The man says “ok” to the officer and he drives off towards the zoo.

The following day the officer pulls over the same bus and is shocked to see the same 20 penguins inside all wearing sunglasses.

The officer looks sternly at the driver and says “I thought I ordered you to take these penguins to the zoo?”

The man replies “I did, and today we are all going to the beach!”

A local bartender was working late one friday night when a patron comes running through the door.

Patron: “HELP! I need to know how tall a penguin is!”

The bartender puts out his hand and says “probably this tall”

The patron looks terribly concerned and he says “Oh no! I think I just ran over a nun!” 

A penguin walks into a chemist and requests to purchase a pack of condoms. 

The chemist asks him “Would you like me to put that on your bill?”

The penguin replies “I’m not that kind of penguin”

What is black and white and goes around and around?

A penguin who is stuck in a revolving door.

 

 

What is a penguins favourite food to have for dinner?

Iceburgers.

 

 

 

What do Penguins like to wear on the heads?

Ice caps.

 

 

 

Why do penguins always come first when they race other animals?

Because they are peng-wins!

 

 

 

Why is it so hard to write a book on penguins?

Because they always squirm, are kind of slippery and writing a book on paper is much easier.

 

 

 

Why is it best for 2 penguins who are stuck in a nest to always be nice and respectful to one another?

They don’t want to fall out.

Who is every penguin’s favourite musical artists?

Seal. They also enjoy sole music.

Lynn and Lou Part 8 Kidnapping and Stormy Nights

Little Connie went to sleep in her high chair, her head drooping on to her high chair tray. Mother wiped her up the best she could. Connie didn’t stir till Mother tried to take the chicken bone she was clutching in her greasy fit. She almost woke as she struggled to hang on to it. Mother gave up and carried Connie to her crib to dress for bed. In a few minutes, she was back. Lynn had lain the baby on a blanket on the floor. For once, she wasn’t crying. Mother sat down and picked up her fork.

“I’m ready for dessert.” Lynn’s daddy said.”You eat. Lynn can get it.”

Mother looked upset. “I didn’t get time to make one. It was a tough day with the babies.”

“Well, you had Lynn here to help. Couldn’t one of y’all have made a cake? My mama or sisters made a cake everyday.” He was interrupted by the dogs barking. “Let me see who that is.” He scooted his chair back and walked outside. Billy followed him, banging the door.

Startled, the baby wailed. “Doggone it. I thought I might get to eat. Lynn, leave my plate covered with a napkin when you clear the table.” Mother picked up the baby to give her a bottle and sat in the rocker. She looked exhausted.

Lynn showed Lou how to scrape the plates into a bucket of scraps. She ran a pan of dishwater and put the dishes on to soak while she cleared and wiped the table. There was nothing left except a couple of pieces of cornbread and a little gravy which went in the scrap bucket. The dos would get these later.

Before they could start the dishes, Lynn’s daddy came back in with a man wearing a badge. He called the girls. “Girls, this is Sheriff Mason. He wants to talk to you.” Daddy looked worried. “This is my daughter Lynn and the friend she met today, Lou.”

“Young ladies.” Sheriff Mason said seriously. “The mailman stopped by my office when he finished his route telling me a strange story. He said a girl showed up here claiming her Grandma had been kidnapped today and maybe killed. Lou, Do you know anything about that?”

Lou started to cry. “No. I don’t say anything about her being kidnapped or killed. I just said she disappeared during the storm. I don’t know what happened. I just want to find her. I want to go home.”

“Sure, you do.” Sheriff Mason said. “Tell me what happened so we can get you home. How did you get way out here. Start at the beginning.”

Lou sniffed and wiped her nose on the handkerchief Daddy handed her. “Grandma and I were out riding when a big storm started. We got under a tree when lightning flashed and jolted us. It was terrible. When I looked for Grandma, she was gone. She just disappeared!” Then Lynn fell out of a tree onto me. That’s all. “

“You didn’t see or hear anything else?”

“No. The lightning flashed and Grandma disappeared.” Lou insisted.

“You know that’s a strange story. You aren’t playing with me are you? I need to ask you a few questions. What’s your name and age?”

“Everybody calls me Lou but my name is Eloise Daly and I’m nine years old.” she answered.

“What’s your address?” Sheriff Mason asked.

“3412 Crawford Road, Houston, Texas. My mother’s phone number is 724-678-5367. She’ll come get me if you call her.” offered Lou.

“If you live in Houston, Texas, you couldn’t have ridden here on a bike.” the sheriff said.

“I wasn’t on a bike. I was on a scooter. Grandma rode a bike but we didn’t get far from home before she got tired and wanted to take a break. I doubt we rode more than ten minutes.” Lou explained.

“Wait a minute. You’re telling me you rode here from Houston in ten minutes? You and an old lady? That makes no sense. Houston is more than two hundred miles away. We are in Bossier Parish , Louisiana.What really happened? Did you run away from home? Did your folks dump you off. Is this a big joke, because if it is, you’re in big trouble starting a story about your Grandma getting kidnapped and maybe killed. This ain’t funny! It ain’t funny at all! I got a mind to haul you in till your grandma turns up.” The sheriff was mad.

Lynn’s daddy spoke up.”Look Sheriff Mason. I just got in. I don’t know any more than you do. Can we let this rest for now? Maybe you can call her mother and find out what’s going on. She’ll be okay here. We’ll look after her till you do some checking”

The sheriff thought about it. “Well, if you want to put up with her, go ahead. I ain’t got nowhere to put her tonight no how.”

To be continued: