A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the officer.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

I am a Home Health Nurse, I was always speeding. I love to drive fast. One afternoon, I saw the familiar lights, behind me, and pulled over. I lit a cigarette, got my insurance card, and license in my hand. Ready to hand it to the officer, I knew the drill. I noticed the officer really eyeing the mess my car was in. I hadn’t cleaned it out the weekend before. So, now almost 2 weeks worth of trash was almost level to the passenger seat, from the floorboard. The officer said, with doubt that his eyes, and tone, “Are you sure it’s safe to smoke a cigarette, that close to that mess.” Without missing a beat, I returned, “Officer. I’d appreciate it if you’d give me a ticket for speeding, and not for hauling trash without a permit.” The officer gave me a split second double take. Then started laughing, and kept laughing. He couldn’t even get out what he was trying to say. Finally, he waved me on. Said that was the best response he ever heard.

Helpful Wife

An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer’s salary—in the passenger seat.

“I stopped you because you were going 75 in a 55 zone,” the officer says.

The driver replies, “No sir, I was going just a little over 55.”

The woman says, “Oh Stuart! You were going at least 80 and hit the brakes when you saw the cop car on the side of the road!”

The man gives his wife a dirty look.

The officer says, “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”

“Broken tail light?” the man replies. “I didn’t know about a broken tail light.”

The woman exclaims, “Stuart! You’ve known about that tail light for weeks!”

The man gives his young wife another dirty look.

The officer then says, “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”

The driver replies, “Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”

“Stuart,” the pretty woman says, “you know you never wear your seat belt!”

The husband bursts out, “Shut your mouth, woman!”

The officer takes a moment, and then says, “Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?”

“No,” she says, “Only when he’s drunk.”

2. Prescription Glasses

Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he’s not wearing his required prescription glasses.

Officer says, “I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses.”

Driver says, “Officer, I have contacts.”

Officer says, “I don’t care who you know, you’re still getting a ticket.

3. The Clairvoyant

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

4. Energizer Bunny

The energizer bunny was recently arrested. He was charged with battery.

5. Two Peanuts

Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in a bad neighborhood? One was assaulted.

6. Forty Over

An officer conducting speed enforcement stops a young man for traveling in excess of 40 mph over the speed limit. The officer approaches the driver and says, “Well, 40 over…I been waiting for you to come along all day.”

Without pause, the young man replies, “I got here as fast as I could!”

7. California Roll

After making a “California Stop” at a stop sign, a man is pulled over by a patrol officer. The officer walks up to the car, gets the driver’s license and registration, and tells him he was stopped because he failed to come to a complete stop at the stop sign.

The driver replies, “I slowed down. There was no one coming, so I drove on through.”

The officer replies, “You are required to come to a complete stop before proceeding through the intersection.”

The driver argues back. “There was no one coming. What’s the big deal?”

The officer tries again. “Sir, all four wheels must cease motion before you can proceed past the stop sign.”

The driver is not convinced. “If there’s no one coming, then, stop or slow down, what’s the difference?”

The officer asks the driver to step out of his car. Once he has done so, the officer takes out his baton and begins striking the man at various points on his upper and lower body. After 30 seconds or so of this, he pauses.

“Now, sir—would you like me to stop, or is it okay if I just slow down?”

8. The Hospital

An officer observes a woman standing in the middle of the street. He approaches her and asks, “Are you okay?”

The woman replies, “Yes, but how do I get to the hospital?”

The officer replies, “Just keep standing there.”

9. The Lecture

An officer sees a man exit a bar at closing time and get into his car. After observing some erratic driving, he pulls the man over. The officer asks the driver, “Where are you going at this time of night?”

The man replies, “I’m on my way to attend a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

The officer then asks, “Who would be giving that kind of lecture at this time of night?”

The man says, “My wife.”

10. Drug Test

An officer comes upon a man clearly under the influence of some illegal substance. He says to the man, “We’re going to have to give you a drug test.”

Without hesitation, the man replies, “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”

11. The Wedding

An officer pulls over a man for speeding.

Before the officer can even say a word at the stop, the man—dressed in a tuxedo—blurts out, “Sir you have to listen to me…”

The officer cuts him off, “Sir, you were going twice the speed limit, I’m going to issue a ticket.”

Insistent, the man pleads, “Please! I have to…”

The officer interrupts, “Don’t bother, you’re getting this ticket.”

This back-and-forth continues for several minutes, eventually escalating to where the man was becoming openly hostile. The officer places the man under arrest.

At the holding cell, the officer says, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the man in the cell. “I’m the groom.”