Day: October 18, 2024

Good Ones!

Mom and Dad are sitting on the sofa…Little Johnny is at the breakfast bar trying, with great difficulty, to remove the foil lid from a little tub of yoghurt…“Stupid f……… lid !” he says…Mom looks to Dad and says “I wonder where he gets that from ?”…Dad replies “Well out of the f……….fridge of course ya stupid b……….

Another…Sean says to Paddy…“Ere, Paddy, how come them scuba divers always fall backwards off the boat ?”…Paddy replies…“Well if they fell off frontwards, they’d still be on the bloody boat !”…

Another…Little Johnny returns home from school early…Dad asks “Why are you home so early ?”…Johnny explains…”Well we were having ‘maths’ class and the teacher asked “Who can tell me what 2 ×3 is ?”, an’ I put up my hand and said 6″…“Yeah, well that’s right” says Dad…“And then she asked me “And can you tell me what 3×2 is ?” “Dad says “It’s the same f……….thing ! ““Thats what I said” says Johnny “and she sent me home !”…

Soft Heart

What’s something most people don’t know about you?

I try to conceal the fact that I am soft-hearted. I tease or use humor to steer the subject away if I fear my feelings will betray me, particularly with people I know. I don’t want to appear weak or vulnerable. I learned to be stoic in early life. Sometimes that’s a good thing, sometimes not.

Morning Chuckles

'He's having trouble pronouncing his arrrrhhhs.' ‘He’s having trouble pronouncing his arrrrhhhs.’
'Ships plumber reporting for duty.' ‘Ships plumber reporting for duty.’
'If I have to perch here all day, then you really need to do something about your ear hair.' ‘If I have to perch here all day, then you really need to do something about your ear hair.’

CAPTAIN SMITHERS
 In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said,
“You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he’s really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a crooked, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, with three strands of hair on his head – a particularly unattractive man of less than three foot tall.

“Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”

“Well, sir, I graduated with honour’s from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar and three DSO’s after 12 months of expeditions behind enemy lines.

I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won Gold Medals in the middleweight division boxing, archery gold, wrestling and a 2 golds in the Olympic games. I have researched the history of…………………………”

Here the Colonel interrupted,
“Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the
CO can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to “Go chase herself.”

No Land Lovers Here
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook”

One Wish
A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.
While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth.
This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into rum!”
The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances.
The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: “Now yee’ve done it!! Now we’re gonna have to pee in the boat.”

Trick Or Treat
A little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating.
He knocks on the door of a house and a man answers.
“oh, i can see you’re dressed up as a pirate.” the man says. “but where are your buccaneers?”
The kid gets really mad, and says “on the sides of my buckin’ head!”

The Best Medical Jokes of the Day

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The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“Give me the good news,” said the patient.

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

That depends on whether the light bulb has health insurance!

You might be a E.R. doctor if …

Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
You say to yourself “great veins” when looking at complete strangers.
You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say “I have no idea how that got stuck in there!”
Your immune system attacks a dog crossing your front lawn.

A seven-year-old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor today.”

“Oh, dear,” the mother sighed nervously. “Tell me exactly what happened, darling.”

“Oh, not much. He made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”

2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

A man comes to the doctor desperate for relief from chronic migraine headaches. When the doctor takes a look at his medical history, he discovers that his poor patient has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. “Listen,” says the doctor. “I have migraines, too … and I’m going to give you some personal advice. There are no clinical studies to back this up, but this is what I do for my own migraines, and it works for me. When I feel a migraine coming on, I go home, take a nice hot bath and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand … especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex … and this almost always cures my headache. Give it a try and come back in six weeks.”

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a huge grin. “Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”

“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”

“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a really nice house.”

An elderly woman walks into a plastic surgeon’s office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says “Well, we have three options. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years.”

The old lady says “Well tell me about the various procedures.”

The doctor says, “For $1000 I can take a few years off and smooth out your wrinkles, but you’ll need to have the procedure repeated year.”

“Forget that one,” she says. “What about the other options?”

“For $3000,” the surgeon explains, “I can do a much better job. I can take twenty years off your face, but you’ll still need a touch up every three years or so.”

“No, that’s no good either,” the woman complains. “What about the last option?”

“For $5000,” the doctor replies, “you are going to get the best facelift modern medicine has to offer, with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery technology. I’ll attach a screw to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, you can come back in and I’ll tighten the screw.”

The old lady is delighted and has the surgery, but about 6 months later she returns to the office very upset. “Doctor, I want my money back!” she cries. “I look horrible! Look at these bags under my eyes!”

The doctor leans back in his chair and says, “Lady, you aren’t getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you’re going to have a mustache.

Lou and Lynn Part 15 The Pea-Shelling Party: A Tale of Community and Fun

Mr. Al had to work the three to eleven shift that afternoon. Just before he was to leave for work, a peddler came by selling peas. Mr. Al came in carrying a huge load of peas. Aunt Kat looked appalled. “Oh no! I was planning to do laundry and mop this afternoon. Now we have to shell peas!” She spread a clean sheet on the floor and Mr. Al poured out the peas. A heap about two feet high covered three-quarters of the sheet.

“I know said Mr. Al “but we have to get peas when they’re available. These should get us through the winter.”

“I know, “ said Aunt Kat, “but it will be a big job for me and the kids to get these done by ourselves. They’ll go bad if I don’t get them in the freezer tonight.“

“I’ve gotta go. I gotta pick up Arnie for work. I’ll see if Betsy and her girl can come help.”

“That would really help.” She cheered up, knowing they would probably come help. They often helped each other on big jobs.

Soon enough, Miss Betsy and Sharon peeked in the front door. “Yoo hoo! Your help’s here.” called out Miss Betsy.

“Oh, thank you! I couldn’t imagine how I’d get all these done. Girls, get everybody a pan and let’s get started.” Lou had never seen peas shelled but she caught on quickly. The bad thing was, the purple of the pea shells stained her hands and under her fingernails. Aunt Kat told her it would wear off in a day or two.

Miss Betsy was a lot of fun. She had them laughing hysterically over her stories. Even the big baby liked her. The best thing was, Sharon loved babies. She held the little baby all the time except when the she napped. She teased Connie and kept her giggling.

Aunt Kat introduced a game called gossip they could play as the pile of peas decreased. The leader whispered a few words into the ear of the person next to them. The words couldn’t be repeated once spoken. The whispered message obviously got mangled as it passed from person to person. The last person in line revealed the message. It was hilarious. The original message “My kitten has blue eyes,” turned into “My wigwam has fried pies” They played till everyone got a chance to whisper the starting message.

After that, they all sang songs. It was like a party. Even seven-year-old Billy took his turn leading them in song. They played I Spy. They were making tremendous progress on the pile of peas when Aunt Kat took a break to make peanut butter sandwiches and kool aid for the pea shellers. By the time they were through with the peas, it was getting dusky dark. “We’d better head home before it gets too dark,” Miss Betsy said.”We have flashlights” We heard them singing far down the road.

We’d shelled two big dishpans of peas. They’d be eating peas long after I was back home. That almost felt a little sad.

Unlike washing dishes, the pea-shelling party was fun. I wished it could have gone on longer.

I was exhausted when I went to bed, too tired to talk. Loua woke me upu still had the big light on when I went to sleep. She was awakened by Grandma humming, “You are My Sunshine.”

“Grandma, I knew you’d get me home! I woke up in my own bed this morning.” said Lou, excitedly.

“Quiet!” said Grandma. “They can’t hear me but they can sure hear you. I almost messed up this morning l. It’s a wonder I didn’t spaghettify you. I can’t take that chance agin. I tried to get the bike and tore it in half. You’ll see in the morning. I’m not going to try again till I’m sure. You’re going to be here a little longer.”

“Where are you? Lou asked.

“ I think between yesterday and tomorrow. I like it. The strange thing is, a person can be in more than one place at a time. You are still at home with your parents and you are here. I’m trying to get all of you safely together at home. I’m at home and here in between.” said Grandma.

“So that’s why Mom’s not worried. I’m home, too.”

“Yes, it is but I will get you home. Don’t get discouraged.” Grandma said.

“I’ll try.” said Lou. I’m actually having a lot of fun. I like Lynn. She seems kind of familiar.”

Grandma seemed a little somber.”I won’t be back for a while. I’m getting some help from some really smart guys. We will get you home!”

The next thing she knew, Aunt Kat was waking her up.

To be continued:

Enjoying the Day at the OMV: A Personal Experience

I am at the Office of Motor Vehicles and made up my mind to enjoy myself. First of all, I had to renew my license and get a Real ID. We had some business to conduct with my son, so Bud and I are meeting him in Alexandria. We woke up to a glorious, cool day, such a relief after the blazing summer. We had a beautiful drive down. We will have lunch with John after our business, always a pleasure. He lives in Baton Rouge so it’s treat to see him without a four hour drive.

I love people watching. Amazingly, there has not been a single ugliness at the OMV. I am not accustomed to this. The last time I had to visit I joined a roomful of defeated-looking people.

I had the pleasure of seeing the kid in the red-checked pajamas get his first license. He was all anxiety until his victory, then pure jubilation.

His mother’s anxiety was unrelieved by his success. He drove home! If I had to the whole process of teaching a kid to drive again, I’d just lead the them out to the car, beat it with a baseball bat, and tell them, “Now we’re ready! You won’t have to use that excuse about swerving to miss a dog” It would get a couple of things out of the way.

Afterward, John treated us to lunch at Lea’s Lunchroom., a well-known local restaurant in LeCompte, Louisiana. We all had a fine ham sandwich. I had lemon meringue pie. Bud said it was like taking coal to Newcastle since I have three freshly baked strawberry-rhubarb pies waiting at home but life is too short to neglect pie. It has been a wonderful day!

Bud and John,