Wishes?

You have three magic genie wishes, what are you asking for?

I only need one. People would treat others fairly

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Tarzan joke

Tarzan had just taught his new girlfriend, Jane, how to swing from a vine.

Jane saw a long, thin stick hanging among the vines. “Can I try swinging from that?” she asked Tarzan.

“You can try,” replied Tarzan. “But trust me, it won’t work.”

So Jane grabbed the stick. Then, much to Tarzan’s amazement, Jane was swinging from the stick just as well as he had ever swung from a vine!

When Jane came back, Tarzan was shocked. “I’ve tried to swing from that thing my whole life!” he said. “But it’s impossible! And you managed it on the first try! How did you do it?”

Jane rolled her eyes. “Typical. I start dating a guy I like, and it turns out he can’t drive a stick.”

Joke of the Day

Mike met his badly battered friend Bryan at the bar one Saturday night.

“Faith and Begorrah, man.  What happened to you? ”

“Mike McGarrity came at me with a baseball bat and caught me with no way to defend myself.”

image“Good heavens, Bryan.  Don’t you know better than to let yourself get caught with nothing in your hand!”

“Well, I did have Mrs. McGarrity’s breast in me hand, and a thing of beauty it is, but not of much use in a fight!”

Six of ’em Got Me!

imageDuring World War II, the Army had soldiers doing maneuvers in the woods near Aunt Mary and Uncle Willie’s house in Sibley.  Aunt Mary had been raving about the sex-crazed GIs running wild in the woods thereabouts, probably more to keep her girls in line than anything else.  She wouldn’t even let them go to the toilet or hang clothes on the line by themselves.  They always had to do everything three at a time.  It must have been lovely crowding three girls in a two hole toilet on a hot day.  God knows, one of them couldn’t have stood outside alone and unprotected.

At any rate, due to Aunt Mary’s unrelenting vigilance, her three terrified girls had remained chaste and unmolested by the lusty soldiers.  One hot August afternoon, Aunt Mary broke her own rule and slipped out to the toilet alone for a little personal time.  Just as she settled her generous bottom on the wooden seat, she disturbed some nose-blind red wasps building a home over the stinking quagmire of human refuse below.  The offended wasps couldn’t resist the tempting target she presented and launched a viscious attack on her tender nether portions.

Aunt Mary burst out of the toilet, shrieking in pain and shock, peeing herself while trying to run with her drawers around her ankles.  Bursting through the screen door to the back porch rubbing her wounds, with tears running down her face, she shrieked at her terrified girls, “There were six of ’em.  They got me when I went to the toilet!”

Assuming she’d been accosted by the fearsome soldiers she’d warned against so often, all thee girls ran down the road, screaming for the neighbors to come to their rescue.  Even though poor Aunt Mary was in no condition for company, very soon she had plenty!

 

 

Lou and Lynn Part 21 Exciting Day of Swinging Vines and Puppy Rescue

Sue and Troy, the cousins, were playing in the yard when everyone got to the house. They came running, excited to see their cousins. They were overjoyed when they saw their mother bringing in the puppy she’d been hoping to catch. They danced with excitement, begging to hold him. Aunt Julie insisted they had to give him a little time to get accustomed to his new home and family.

Aunt Julie gave the puppy food and water as soon as she got him home. A flea bath was the next order of business for the rescued puppy. Aunt Julie wrapped him in a towel till he was dry. Finally, she sprinkled him with flea powder. He thought that was awful. She put vaseline on about twenty ticks to smother them, then came back and got them off with tweezers. She made him a bed with a blanket so he settled down to rest as soon as she was through. She said he knew he was home.

Lynn told Sue all about Lou. Sue got big-eyed when she heard Lou’s story and all about Grandma. “Golly, Lou. How did that that happen? How are you going to get home? Do you think the sheriff will come get you?” Sue asked questions faster than the two of them could answer.

“I don’t know why but a big bolt of lightning blasted me back in time and from Texas to Louisiana. Grandma is in another time and place but she’s getting some to help her get me back home. She’s given me a couple of proofs that she’ll get me back but she’s got to get it safe. She got me home for a few minutes but I popped back. She tried to get her bike back and stretched it out and broke it down n half. She has to make sure it’s right before trying again.

“Yeah,” Lynn broke it. Some of it looks like spaghetti. Wouldn’t it be awful to get stretched out like spaghetti! And guess what. Lou said her mom doesn’t know Lou’s gone. It’s like she’s in the future and here at the same time!”

“Wow! That’s really weird!” said Sue. “ Do you think the sheriff will come back and get you? Are you scared?”

“Mother won’t let him.” said Lynn. “He already tried.”

“Yeah! She’s really brave!” said Lou. “She chopped a snake’s head off with a hoe! Two dogs grabbed the pieces and ran off with it. The rest chased them trying to get it away from them. It was so funny!”

“ Golly!” said Sue. “Come on. I found a big Tarzan vine in the edge of the woods! We’d better get there before the boys find it!”

The girls took off. A little creek ran through the edge of the woods. Sue ran and grabbed a thick vine hanging from a tall tree. She backed up enough to get a running start. She swung across the creek and turned loose of the vine, landing on the far side. After wading out and retrieving the vine, she swung back across the creek, yelling like Tarzan.

“Your turn now.” She handed the vine off to Lynn. The fun was on! They started off swinging one at at time. Before long, Lou fell in the shallow creek. In no time, all three girls were purposely dropping off in the creek, muddy from head to toe. The boys heard the ruckus and showed up, joining the fun. It seems they’d just st gotten started when Aunt Julie called them to lunch.

When they showed up muddy and wet, she didn’t even get mad.

“Whoa! Y’all aren’t coming in the house looking like that! Wash up at the faucet and I’ll bring your lunch to the picnic table.” They squirted each other with the hose till she came back out with a tray of baloney sandwiches and milk.

“You little boogers turn that water off. I’ll skin you if you get me wet!”

Lou loved Aunt Julie.