Day: October 29, 2024

Afternoon Funnies

The old farmer just got married and as he was driving home with his new wife the mule stopped and wouldn’t pull 
the wagon. The farmer smacked him over the head with a 2×4…..and said, 
“That’s One! …..
…The second time the mule refused to move the farmer went over and hit him with the 2×4 and said…”That’s Two!………
……The third time the mule refused the farmer took his gun and shot him…….
The new wife started to criticize the old farmer for shooting his mule and he says;

That’s one…………….

A cardiologist who was nearing the end of his career to leave the spotlight and stress of leading the cardiologist staff of the Mayo Clinic, and moved to a small, rural hospital in the Florida Panhandle.  He told the staff at the Mayo Clinic, “I am tired of dealing with CEO’s and millionaires who are too busy to take care of their hearts, and look forward to the simple country lifestyle of patching up farmers and their bankers who have simply worn their hearts out.”

Sadly, after only four short years of simpler life, the Cardiologist died of cancer.   When his comrades from the Mayo Clinic heard the sad news they told the family that they wanted to help them plan a very elaborate funeral, to pay their respects for this great man who had so much influence on doctors all over the world. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service at the church, and all in attendance were in awe, having never seen such an event. Following the eulogy, as harp music played, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

All of a sudden, one of the mourners in the back of the church burst out in laughter. Every head turned to see the source of this disrespectful laughter.  It was one of the country doctors from the small town hospital.  With the whole crowd glaring at him in disgust, the doctor held up his hand and said, “I am so sorry folks, I didn’t mean to be disrespectful, he was a great friend.  I was just thinking of my own funeral. I’m a proctologist.

Harold was a farmer, who had stayed healthy and happy out on the farm for over 60 years. As the years slipped by, however, his wife worried about him out in the summer heat for long hours each day.  She had been right to worry as one summer, while out fixing fence, the heat got the best of Harold.  He got dehydrated and had to be hospitalized. Harold hated it there, because he kept wanting to get home to check on his crops and cattle.  The doctor warned him that he needed to spend at least 4 days in the hospital, so they could run a series of tests on his heart and other systems.  Plus he just wanted to make sure Harold’s strength had returned, because he knew he would be right back out farming again in the heat.

There was one young nurse that just drove Harold absolutely crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning?” or “Are we ready for a bath?” or “Are we hungry today?” Old Harold had had about all he could stand of this particular nurse, and just had to get out of that hospital.  He was more sick of people poking, prodding, testing and talking to him like an helpless old man, than he was from the heat stroke.

One day at breakfast, he came up with a plan. The nurse came to his room and left him a urine bottle to fill for testing.  After she had left his room, Harold got a twinkle in his eye as he spied the apple juice on the breakfast tray on his bed side stand.  Well you know where the juice went, right into the urine sample vial.

A little while later when the patronizing nurse returned, she picked up the vile and said, “My oh my, it seems we are a little cloudy today?” At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it right down, saying, “Well, let’s run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!”

The nurse fainted!  Harold boomed out, “This nurse needs help!”  Within seconds 4 nurses and two doctors were fussing all around her.  Harold just smiled and said to himself, “Now’s my chance to get the heck out of this place.” He snatched his clothes out of the closet, got dressed in the restroom down the hall, headed to the elevator, and was out the door before anyone knew what happened!

A Kid at Heart

What does it mean to be a kid at heart?

A kid at heart feels joy at the quirkiness of life even if incapable of acting like a child. They are not jaded. They are still awed by the miracle of sunrise and sunset. Every newborn brings promise. A kid at heart appreciates fun, love, and life. A kid at heart is vibrant.

Morning Funnies

imageimageimageimageimageimageimageA hunter stumbled across another hunter. Hunter 1: “Am I glad to see you, I’ve been lost for three days.” Hunter 2: “Don’t get too excited, friend, I’ve been lost for three weeks.”

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!” The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.” The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room. About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.” The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.” The man continued, “I work for 7-UP.”

A Texas mountain lion slipped across the line into Oklahoma to visit his cousin and couldn’t help noticing how sleek and well-fed his cousin looked.

“Hey Buddy, what’s your secret to eating so well?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s easy, cousin. All you gotta do is sneak up behind a cowboy and scare the crap out of him. Then you eat’im,” he answered.

“All right! I’ll give it a shot!” He took off across the plains and they didn’t meet up again for about six months.

“Well, I thought you be looking a lot better by now, but it looks like you’re ’bout to starve to death. Didn’t that advice I gave you help at all?” said the Oklahoma cat.

“Naw, it didn’t,” said the Texas cat. “I sneaked up and scared the crap out off ’em all right, but once you scare the crap out of a Texas cowboy, all you got left is boots and a belt buckle.”

 

PokeGet my new book on Amazon Kindle now. Soon to be available in paper back!

BUY the book: https://www.amazon.com/Everything-Smells-Just-Like-Salad-ebook/dp/B01IVUXROQ

How to connect with Linda

Blog: https://atomic-temporary-73629786.wpcomstaging.com/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/bethea_linda

 

Train Joke

A kid receives a train set for Christmas. He puts it together and begins to play with it as mom goes into the kitchen. She hears him play and run the train. She then hears the train stop.

She then hears the the boy say, Anyone who want’s to get off get the hell off now! And anyone who is getting on GET ON NOW YOU IDIOTS because we gotta go!

Well mom did not like this and yelled at the boy about proper language and such. She punished him by sending him to his bedroom for 20 minutes.

20 minutes go by she calls him and he resumes playing with his train. She hears the train run then come to a stop and the boy spoke up.
“Ladies and gentlemen we have arrived at our next stop. Please check the overhead baggage racks before leaving and thanking you for riding with us. For thos boarding please have your tickets ready. And for those who are upset about the 20 minute delay please see the b___ in the kitchen. 

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young woman. The four passengers join in a conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young woman proposes, “If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs.”

The men, charmed by this young woman, all pull a dollar bill out of their wallets. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, “If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I’ll show you my thighs.”

Men being what they are, they all pulled out a ten dollar bill. The woman pulls up her dress all the way to her stocking tops.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young woman says, “If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.”

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance. That’s the hospital where I had it done!”

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly – he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently awakens the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replies. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he exclaims.

“Good,” she replies. “Get your own damn blanket!”

After a moment of silence, he farts.

Finish the Story #7

You are a nurse. Your elderly aunt calls to invite you to her only daughter’s wedding. She has an additional request. She wants to stay with you while her daughter goes on a one week honeymoon. She is a brittle diabetic. incontinent and needs insulin injections and blood sugar checks twice daily. She has no one else to ask. Finish the story.

Boxcar Grafitti

Grafitti fascinates me.

Lou and Lynn Part 22 Exploring Old Boxcars: A Girl’s Adventure

Lou soon knew why Lynn liked Sue so much. Sue was good-natured and loved playing outdoors. They climbed trees and played in the creek as much as they wanted. Sue had no chores, so nothing interfered with playing. Aunt Julie wasn’t fussy about how dirty they got. She rinsed them off with the water hose before they came in.


The only low point was Aunt Julie made all the kids come in and take an afternoon nap. In reality, only Aunt Julie and the boys took a nap. She just made them all lie down. Lou hadn’t taken a nap in years. There was no way she could go to sleep in the middle of the day. The girls started out lying on Sue’s bed talking quietly. Of course, they soon got giggly, then rowdy. Aunt Julie kept rousing up telling them to be quiet. By the time they had a pillow fight and broke a vase, she was furious. She gave up on her nap and ran them outdoors.

Fortunately, she didn’t stay mad long and brought out popsicles. The girls had the creek and vine to themselves while the boys napped. In the late afternoon, Troy and Billy woke up and came out to play. Aunt Julie brought the rescue puppy. He was the cutest little guy. Once he got over his shyness, he got rowdy and played enthusiastically.

A railroad track lay in the woods not too far behind Sue’s house. Two abandoned boxcars stood on a sidetrack. “Have you ever looked in those boxcars?” asked Lynn. “That looks interesting.”

”Let’s go see what’s in them,” answered Sue. The girls took off running. The boxcars were a lot bigger than they’d looked from a distance. They had to boost each other up, then pull the last girl up. It took a minute for their eyes to adjust to the darkness inside the boxcars.

The walls of the interior were covered with graffiti. There were two huge dragons battling each other, spewing fire from their mouths. A huge Jesus covered the end with the giant word, “”Repent!”There were a couple of women with their clothes falling off. There were numerous poems the girls could never repeat. It would have taken hours to see everything but it was getting dusky. From the house, they could hear the honking of a car horn. Sue looked startled. “Oh no, I bet Mama’s looking for us!” They climbed out and raced back home through the tall grass.

Sure enough , Aunt Julie was waiting for them. “Where in the world have you girls been? Troy said he saw you headed for the old train.” she said. She looked upset!

”We looked in them,” Sue said. “You should have seen all the pictures on the walls!”

”Don’t you ever go around those boxcars again! That’s dangerous! There could have been hobos hiding out there. There’s no telling what could have happened to you. Lynn, if your daddy ever finds out you went in those boxcars, you’ll never get to come back. You’d better think hard about that! Oh my Lord. You girls scared me!”

Big-eyed, the girls exchanged glances. Thy knew they’d never tell!