Month: October 2024

Exercise

What is your favorite form of physical exercise?

I am lax in this area. Gardening is my exercise of choice.

My Condolences

imageOne of the hardest parts of  being a nurse is comforting and supporting the bereaved family at the time of death.  Normally, family members are heartbroken, grieving at the death.  On a few occasions, I witnessed something different.  Mr. Jones, an elderly patient owned a successful insurance agency. Every morning, he donned freshly laundered silk pajamas.  When discharged,  He wore a fine finest suit, shirt, shoes, and hat and took great pride in being noticed.  He bragged of buying a new Cadillac every year, dining at the most prestigious restaurants, and enjoying a membership at The Country Club.

His son, Junior Jones was in his late fifties and had always worked for Daddy.  It appeared Mr. Jones was none to generous nor kind to Junior.  Junior dressed in cheap clothes and drove an ancient compact car.  It must have been miserable since he was so tall he had to fold up like a jackknife to fit in it.  When Junior came to the hospital to consult with Daddy about the business, Daddy was condescending, snide, and critical, never showing Junior the least respect.

One the morning Daddy died, we’d called to notify Junior his father’s death appeared imminent.  Junior came streaking into his father’s room just moments before Mr. Jones’ death.  I offered my condolences.  Junior ignored me, opened the drawer of the bedside table, dug out the keys to his father’s Cadillac, his father’s checkbook and left the room without speaking.  A nursing assistant who was a friend of the family walked him out to the parking garage.  He handed her the keys to his small car and drove off in his father’s big, black Cadillac.  That was different!  I guess he’d had enough.

Perfect Frog Jokes

Three frogs walked into a bar, the fourth frog ducked. 

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Why are frogs so happy? 
They eat watever bugs them! 

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What does a frog wear on St. Patrick’s day? 
Nothing! 

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What did the frog dress up for on Halloween? 
A prince. 

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How many frogs does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
One frog and 37 light bulbs, slippery hands, ya know. 

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Whats the preferred car of frogs? 
The Beetle. 

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What’s green and jumps? 
A frog!! (groan!) 

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What’s green and red? 
A very mad frog. 

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What’s green with red spots? 
A frog with the chicken pox! 

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What’s green with bumps? 
A frog with the measles! 

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What’s black and white and green? 
A frog sitting on a newspaper. 

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What’s green and dangerous? 
A frog with a hand-grenade. 

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What’s white on the outside, and green on the inside? 
A frog sandwich! 

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What do you say to a hitch-hiking frog? 
Hop in! 

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What happens when two frogs collide? 
They get tongue tied! 

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What kind of shoes do frogs wear? 
Open toad! 

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What do frogs do with paper? 
Rip-it! 

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What is the first book a tadpole reads? 
Metamorphosis by Kafka. 

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How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg? 
Unhoppy. 

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What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit? 
A rubbit! 

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Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes? 
He liked a good croak and dagger. 

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What happened to the frog’s car when his parking meter expired? 
It got toad!! 

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What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again? 
A dirty double-crosser! 

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What’s green green green green green? 
a frog rolling down a hill 

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What is a frogs favorite time? 
Leap Year! 

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Why did the frog go to the mall? 
Because he wanted to go hopping. 

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I was walking down the alley one day and I saw a frog kicking a can. 
I asked him what he was doing. 
He said, “I’m moving!” 

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Why did the frog walk across the road? 
He didn’t… he jumped. 
Why did the frog cross the street? 
because the chicken crossed the road. 
Why did the frog cross the road? 
to see what the chicken was doing. 
Why did the frog cross the road? 
Some mean little kid super-glued it to the chicken. 
Why did the frog stop in the middle of the road? 
To get hit by a steamroller 
Why did the frog stay in the middle of the road? 
He ran after a fly and was hit by a car. 
Why did the frog cross the road? 
If a chicken can do it so could he! 

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How can you tell if a frog doesn’t have ears? 
You yell “Free Flies” and he doesn’t come. 

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How do you confuse a frog? 
Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner. 
How does a frog confuse you? 
When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better. 

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How do you apologize to a witch? 
Ribbit! 

Go to moon.

How much would you pay to go to the moon?

Nothing. I would pay to pass.

Finish the Story #5

Ben and Kelly had been married seven years with three children. He was a CPA with a large firm, a very lucrative position. Kelly was a registered nurse. Kelly had to work alternate weekends so she wasn’t as involved in church activities as Ben. One day he announced to Kelly that he intended to leave home s CPA position, attend seminary, and become a minister.

Finish the story:

The best of the Best Bear Jokes

One day, a black bear walks into a bar…
The bear begins to get some strange looks, but he was use to this being a black bear and all.
Everyone in the bar was acting a little strange around him, but then he sat at the bar and the bartender began to serve him.

Bartender: Ummm…So what can I get you?
Bear: Let me get a shot of………………….. whiskey.
Bartender: Sure, but what’s up with the big pause?

Bear: I get them from my dad.

Two friends are out hiking, and they see a black bear on the trail in front of them
One guy takes off his pack, takes off his hiking boots, and puts on running shoes.

His friend says, “What are you doing? You can’t outrun that bear!”

The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you!”


So a man and his three friends are sitting in a bar, one of them says to the others
“I’m the greatest bear hunter there ever was,” immediately 2 of the 3 friends disagree and say in unison,
“No way I am!!”  
They continue arguing until the 4th man who said nothing pipes up and says,
“I have never been bear hunting, maybe we should all go to see whose best at it?”

The friends agree, go home for the night and the next day they all get in a truck and drive deep into the forest.
While they are driving one friend turns to the bear hunting novice and says,
“When hunting a bear be very quiet. If it sees you, you have two options.”  he said,
“You either draw yourself up and get big and tall to scare it or you run.  If you run, it will chase you until you get to safety or 
until it catches you, whichever comes first.”  his friend concluded.

The man noted this and they got to the cabin they  had rented for the hunting trip, they set up and search around for hours scouting for bears, but they find none.
Disappointed they head back to camp and fell asleep.  When the men awoke they noticed that the bear hunting novice was gone so they get up to look for him outside.  They start to call his name but no answer, they grab their guns and walk a little till they hear the sound of running feet.

The novice is running at full speed towards the cabin with a giant black bear behind him, the other 3 friends pull him into the cabin and shoot the bear dead,
the friends all curious and angry with the novice hunter asked,
“What the hell were you doing?”
And finally after the novice catches his breath he says,

“Hunting!  Now stay here, I’m gonna have a drink of water, and I’ll go get us another one!”

English Professor

What alternative career paths have you considered or are interested in?

Had I chosen at a more expedient time, I would have done well to pursue a PhD in Literature. Literature and writing were my first loves. My initial degree was English Education. I was an abysmal teacher. At the time I entered nursing, I wanted no more to do with teaching. Now I write because I must.

Best horse jokes

A horse walks into a bar. The barman confuses idioms with jokes and offers him a glass of water, but can’t make him drink.

2. I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 – and it did! Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.

3. A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks: “Why the long face?”

4. I put a bet on a horse that had excellent breeding. After the horse left the starting gate, he stopped and closed it behind him.

5. A horse walks into a bar. “Hey,” says the barman. “Yes please,” says the horse.

6. What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race? Sherbet.

7. Have you heard the one about the runaway horse? It’s a terrible tale of WHOA!

8. Where do horses go when they’re sick? The horsepital.

9. What’s black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.

10. Why should you never be rude to a jump jockey? In case he takes offence.

11. What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? Neighbours of course.

12. A pony went to the doctor complaining about having a sore throat. The doctor said: “It’s OK, you’re just a little horse.”

13. Some racehorses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won eight of them!”

Another horse breaks in: “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!”

“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!” says another.

At this point, the horses notice a greyhound, who has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”

The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog!”

14. How do you spell ‘Hungry Horse’ in four letters? MTGG.

15. A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend. “What are you planning to do with that nag?” the man asks. “Race it,” replies the jockey, surprised. “Well, by the look of it,” the man says, “You’ll win!”

16. How can you tell a police horse from a normal horse? The police horse goes “Neigh-naw-neigh-naw-neigh-naw”.

17. Why did the man stand behind the horse? He was hoping to get a kick out of it

18. How do you make an appaloosa? Shake the tree

19. Which type of cheese do horses like best? Masc-a-pony

20. What sort of horses come out after dark? Nightmares

21. When does a horse talk? Whinny wants to!

22. What disease are horses most scared of getting? Hay fever

23. What kind of bread does a horse eat? Thoroughbred

Lynn and Lou Part 19 A Day with Pixie: Adventures in the Barn

The barn beckoned the frisky children. “Oh, look There’s Pixie” called out Billy. “Let’s get pet her. Here she comes.”Pixie, a big brown horse with a black mane trotted toward them. she lowered her head and nudged the kid’s shirt pockets. “She wants a treat.” Said Billy. “Let’s get some corn.”

Lynn boosted Billy up so he could scoop corn out of a barrel. “Watch this” said Lynn. She held her hand out flat and Pixie scooped up a few grains with her soft mustached muzzle.

“Let me!” demanded Billy , offering Pixie a few kernels of corn off his outstretched hand. “It tickles!” he laughed.

“Try it.” said Lynn. Hold your hand still and flat. She won’t bite you.” Sure enough, Pixie snuffled up on her corn off Lou’s hand. Afterward, she nuzzled Lou’s cupped hands.

“She’s so sweet!” exclaimed Lou.

“Can we ride her?” asked Lou.

“Daddy said we can ride her any time we want to when we can saddle and bridle her ourselves. It’s easy to get the bridle on but the saddle’s is really heavy. Maybe if we both try, we could saddle her. Billy holds her close to the fence and feeds her corn.”

Lou had always wanted to ride a horse. “Let’s try! I’ll bet we can.” They went to the feed room and got the bridle, blanket and saddle. Lynn easily got the bridle on while Billy offered Pixie more corn. Between them, the two girls pulled and tugged till they got the heavy saddle on the top rail of the fence. After smoothing the blanket on Pixie’s back, they were able to work together to slide the saddle on her broad back, taking care to keep blanket smooth. “A wrinkle will make a sore. We’d never want to do that.” cautioned Lynn. Lynn showed her how to cinch the saddle.

“Oh no! breathed Lou. She’d never want to hurt this beautiful horse. All three children were on the top fence rail now.

Billy slid in the front of the saddle next to the horn leaving plenty of room in the saddle behind him. “Okay. Billy. Hold the reins. I’ll get behind you. Lou, scoot right behind me and hold on tight. We’ll give it a go.” Lynn said.

Lou slid over. It was a little scary on Pixie’s broad back. It would be a long way to fall. “Hang on tight!” said Lynn. With that, she nudged Pixie walked off. Lou held on tight.

She was riding!