I once dated a girl who broke up with me because I only have 8 toes. Yes, she was lack-toes intolerant
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.
If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. Now that’s humerus.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.
Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?
Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers; the big ones at the end of the wing are called pinion feathers. A crow has only 16. Therefore, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.
I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, “That lizard is really funny!” The leader replied. “That’s not just any old lizard … he’s a stand-up chameleon.”
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it, but nobody saw it.
Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
My friend said she wouldn’t eat a cow’s tongue because it came out of a cow’s mouth.So, I gave her an egg.
Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King, but he made a great ruler.
Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg and tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That’s right ……. Jack and the beans talk.
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of herbivore.
I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.
Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. You guessed it ……… the steaks were pretty high.
Month: October 2024
Croc’s Breakfast Adventures: A Morning Routine
Things went Croc’s way for once this morning. For once I slept later than Bud, I normally feed and water the dogs first thing in the morning. It’s written in stone for Croc. I picked up Croc’s dish, filled it and put it in front of him. He gobbled his food, like always, looking at me plaintively like Oliver Twist. “Please Ma’am? Can I have some more?” He got no more.
jLittle dog turned his nose up at his breakfast, like he usually does. When given the word, Croc gobbled it, too.
just then, Bud walked in the living room. “I fed Croc.” He told me.
”Oh no! I did, too!. He was begging when I came through.”
Finish the Story #3
Becca and Joey had been high school sweethearts. They’d been married four rough years. Joey had finally gotten a good job with benefits. Becca was three months pregnant and finally capable of giving up babysitting the neighbor kids. One awful morning, little Joey woke up with a fever of one hundred two degrees. She hurried him in to the doctor. Within an hour, she got the worst news of her life. He had leukemia. He was going to St. Jude’s for treatment immediately. Once he was in remission, it was likely to need a bone marrow transfusion.terrified
Becca was devastated as she waited for Joey. She was terrified for two reasons. First of all, her baby was sick. She might lose him. The second was, Joey might not be Little Joey’s father. She’d turned to his buddy, David, for comfort after Joey cheated on her with her friend Cara. Three weeks later, suspecting she was pregnant, she forgave Joey and they’d reconciled. They’d married three weeks after graduating from high school.
Lou and Lynn Part 17 Family Bonds: A Day of Hard Work and Laughter
Uncle Albert was in his sixties, the weathered family patriarch. He’d had a hand in raising all his sister’s children since their father died young. They were all well aware that they might have starved without him. He was grouchy and not particularly fond of youngsters, so the young cousins had learned to steer clear of him.
Well-digging was an arduous task. A sturdy frame was built over the chosen spot. The nephews took turns using a pick and shovel to dig. Others pulled up buckets of the hard, red clay. Before long, they were all shirtless and sweating. Despite the difficulty, the work continued at a rapid pace since there was always a fresh worker to take the place of a fatigued one.
They enjoyed working together and laughed frequently.
The women laid out a feast and called the children to eat before calling the men. Lou had never seen so such a large family. There must have been twenty children, most under twelve. Lynn had three cousins her age. Billy had three his age. There was a gaggle of babies and toddlers. There was never a quiet moment. The frantic mothers served their children plates of potato salad, beans and fried chicken and sent them off to sit on the ground and eat. The kids gobbled what they wanted and wasted the rest, rushing back to play.
The men crowded around the table, heaping their plates high. The women served themselves last. “This sure is some fine cooking.” one said.
”Pass the beans!” said another. They teased each other and the women all through the meal.
”Ronnie! Get out’a the road.” shouted Aunt Bessie! “Don’t make me get my switch.”
Warnings were frequently shouted at the wild children if they went near the well, hill, or river.
Lou had never played so excitedly. There were simultaneous games of baseball and hide and seek. General chaos ensued when younger children got too close and went down like bowling pins.
There were scoldings and swats aplenty when kids pushed their harried mothers too far, something that Lou had never seen. Most amazing of all, Lou was introduced to the outdoor toilet, a crude outbuilding built over a hole in the ground. “This is gross!” Lou said as she examined the facilities.
“You think this is gross! Wait till it’s been here a while. Whew!” Lynn laughed. “You won’t stay any longer than you can help”
They’d all been warned away from the log cabin in progress but eventually the parents’ vigilance wore thin. Mothers were putting the youngest ones down to nap on pallets. Suddenly, a rumble, clatter and shrieking came from the cabin. A couple of kids had slipped in and climbed on the log walls, collapsing them. Fortunately, nothing more serious than scrapes and bruises resulted.
Uncle Albert was clearly furious at the destruction of the cabin he’d worked so hard on. “You little devils. Y’all was told to stay out’a there! If you was mine I’d tan yore sorry hides.” The culprits were sternly lectured and some spanked by their fathers. The embarrassed men left the digging to the others and spent the rest of the day restacking logs. They brought them to an even higher level to make up for their boys’ bad behavior. Uncle Albert’s mood improved as the walls grew higher, though he continued to glare at the reckless boys.
As the day dragged on the sun went down and mosquitoes started to bite. Somebody built a bonfire. Mothers put insect repellent on the children and began to rock their sleepy babies.
”I sure wish they would knock off so we could get these kids home to bed.” Aunt Kat said.
”I know.” said Aunt Bonnie. “ They’re gonna have to finish tomorrow anyway.”
The kids raced in and out of the shadows of the fire, drunk on the joy of cousin-play. Finally the men gave up their digging, making the decision to continue Sunday morning. Sleeping babies were loaded in to vehicles for the trip home. Lynn, Lou, and Billy climbed into the back of the truck. Aunt Kat wrapped a them snuggly in an old quilt.
”Mother, it’s too hot!” Billy protested.
”It won’t be when we get going.” Aunt Kat said.
Sure enough, as soon as they started it was cool. The night was glorious. They looked up at the brilliant stars in the dark sky while bouncing along the wooded road. They were asleep before they’d gone a mile.
To be continued:
Family
What are you most proud of in your life?
I am most proud of my family. They are good people I would choose for friends.. They do the things they should and go the extra mile. They persevere through difficult times. They do not hate they should. I love them.
Best of the Morning Funnies
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
“Daddy,” a little boy asked his father. “How much does it cost to get married?”
“I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it.”
Talent does what it can, genius what it must.
I do what I get paid to do.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
“What men know about women.”
What do you call a womanwho works as hard as a man?
Lazy.
What not to say to the nice policeman:
I can’t reach my licenseunless you hold my beer.
What is the differencebetween a sofa and a manwatching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.
Three of the Deadlies
Tragically, three pastors and their wives were killed in a crash on the way home from a conference. They found themselves standing before Saint Peter. Saint Peter addressed the first pastor as he looked in his book.
“Well, I see here you lived a pretty good life. You worked hard for your church. You were faithful, but there’s one thing I need to look into further. Your love of money got in your way. In fact, you loved money so much you even married a woman named Penny. Just have a seat over there while I do a little more checking.”
The second pastor came forward. Saint Peter addressed him. “You were a faithful pastor. You served well except for one flaw. Your love of alcohol caused you some problems. You loved alcohol so much, you even married a woman named Sherry. Have a seat over there while I do some balancing.”
The third pastor turned to his wife. “Come on Fanny. There’s no use in us even getting in line.”
Lou and Lynn Part 16 Uncle tAlbert’s Riverfront Cabin: A dangerous Family Adventure
Uncle Albert was building his house atop a hill over the river. Actually, he was taking apart his old log cabin and moving it near the river where he was reassembling it log by log with the help of his many nephews. Before he could get to that, he had to have a water well. Even though most people would have hired a business to drill one. Uncle Albert wouldn’t be doing that. He had no money. His nephews agreed to pitch in and dig one for him knowing they’d have to dig at least twenty feet to reach water.
The work had already started when Mr. Al came bumping up. Numerous cousins came running up to the truck calling “Lynn!” Or “Billy!” The children jumped out of the truck, ready to play with their cousins.
”Be careful!” called Aunt Kat, her warning falling on their disappearing backs. She went to join the women at a makeshift picnic area. Mr. Al joined the diggers at the well site.
One of the children had brought his red wagon. “Hey! Let’s take this wagon to the top of that hill and coast down!.” Several children climbed the gravel road up the steep hill, prepared to do that. Once they got there and looked down, Allen, the wagon’s owner reconsidered. The river’s high banks stretched near the bottom of the ride. “I changed my mind. Somebody else go first.”
”We’ll go.” called Lynn, glad for the first turn. She and Lou climbed in Allen gave the wagon a shove. They fairly flew down the hill, Lynn guiding the rattling wagon through the gravel. Dust fogged up behind them. The clattering of the descending wagon and cheers of the children caught the attention of their elders, who were horrified at the sight of the wagon flying down the hill toward the river below!
They dropped their work, shouting “Stop! Stop! The wagoneers could do nothing but hang on and pray for their lives. It turns out, Lynn and Lou got not only the first ride but the only ride. Lynn narrowly avoided crashing them off the high bluff into the river below.
The girls were rewarded with an angry lecture on how they’d nearly killed themselves. The wagon was confiscated!
To be continued:
Finish the Story #2
Joe met Francie working in kitchen at Oklahoma State Correctional Center. She was in for breaking and entering. He’d been busted for car theft. Thy found they had a lot in common. Frankie moved in with her sister Sue when she got out. Joe followed her to Sue’s when he got out. Joe came up with twenty bucks. Sue was broke but needed cigarettes. They agreed to buy her a pack if she’d give them a ride to the store. She waited in the car while they went in. Remembering something she needed, she decided to go in. Once inside, she saw Joe and Frankie stealing Finish the story in the comments.
Nutsrok 