Month: October 2024

In Progress

What have you been working on?

Thank goodness, I don’t have to think about this. I am crocheting a gift for a friend. I expect to finish in a day or so. I start projects with great anticipation but my enthusiasm flags toward the end. When I finish this project , I will make my friend a purple and gold sweater. She is a great fan of LSU. She dresses up for all the games.

Finish the story #1

Two brothers were walking to school. As they passed the gas station, a tall redheaded girl in a green hoody waved at Jerry, the older of the two. He told Lane, “Uh oh, I forgot my English homework. I have to run home and get it. You go on.”

Finish the story in the comments.

Lynn and Lou Part 15 Gathering Eggs: A Chicken Farm Tale

”Hurry and get dressed! We’re going to Uncle Albert’s today. The men are going to pitch in and dig him a well. Lynn, you and Lou go let the chickens out of the henhouse and feed them. Take this bucket and gather the eggs on your way back in. Billy put out water for the dogs and the chickens. Do NOT get wet. Come straight back in.”

The kids took off. Lynn opened the henhouse door and the chickens swarmed out. A fat hen jumped on top of Lou’s head. It was terrifying. She screamed and ran all over the chicken yard. The hen got tired of the wild ride and jumped off. Lynn laughed till tears ran down her cheeks. “I’m sorry. I forgot to tell you they do that sometimes. We raised all our chickens from babies, so they still think they’re tiny chicks.”

Yeah, sure, I’ll bet you forgot.” Lou replied. She wasn’t much upset. It probably did look funny.

“If you’re still scared, I’ll feed the chickens. They flock all around trying to get to the feed. One of them might jump on you. They won’t hurt you.” Lynn said.

”That’s okay. I was just surprised. I’ll feed them.” She scattered chicken feed all inside the chicken yard. They quickly lost interest in her. “This is actually kind of fun.”

Lynn took the egg basket over to the row of nesting boxes. They were about head high. Rather than take the time to climb the ladder, Lynn stood on tiptoe, pulling one egg from each nest. When she reached in the last nest, she screamed and took off at a run, slinging eggs along the way. “Snake! Snake! Mother! There’s a snake in the nest!” she screamed. “I hate snakes!”

Aunt Kat came at a run. She grabbed a hoe next to the chicken yard gate. She climbed a couple of steps up the ladder and raked the snake out on the ground where she chopped his head off with the hoe. The dogs were going crazy with joy. One grabbed the head, another the body. Feeling cheated, the others took off after the two lucky ones, trying to snatch their prize. Aunt Kat laughed and put her hands on her hips, “Well, I bet I won’t have to remind anybody not to reach in the nest without looking, will I? She gathered up the few unbroken eggs. “Girls, take the hoe and scratch some dirt over these broken eggs. We don’t want the dogs to start sucking eggs. Hurry, Daddy’s almost ready to go.”

The kids were in awe of what she’d done.”Your mother is the bravest woman I’ve ever seen!” said Lou: “I’m so glad I didn’t gather eggs.”

When they got back in, Mr. Al was loading the old truck with shovels and rope. Aunt Kat and the girls brought out a big basket with picnic lunch. “Get in the back and sit down. Don’t you climb up on the rails. If I have to stop and straighten you out, it won’t be good!”

”Yes Sir” they all answered. No one could have convinced her to move. She’d never seen anyone ride in the back of a truck.

Aunt Kat came around to the back of the truck and handed Lynn a brown paper bag of hot sausage biscuits with jam. “You each have two apiece, but don’t waste them. You might want one for a snack later” she said. She got in the cab of the truck. She put Connie in the car seat and clung to the little baby as the truck bumped off down the gravel road. Dust fogged up behind the truck.

Lou dug in. The biscuit sandwiches were so good, she gobbled both. What a wonderful way to start the morning.

May I say a word?

A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He tentatively approaches the deceased’s wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, “Plethora.” The widow smiles appreciatively. “Thank you,” she says. “That means a lot.” Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a word too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “Bargain.” The widow replies: “Thanks, that means a great deal.” Another man comes up and asks for the same privilege. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: “Earth.” The widow replies, “Thank you, that means the world.” Another man comes up and asks if he could say a couple words. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: “Being alive.” The widow replies, “Thank you, he would have liked that.” Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: “Infinity” . The widow replies, “Thank you, that means more than you could possibly imagine.” Like Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: “Fhqwhgads”. The widow replies: “Thanks, you don’t know what that means.” Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a few words too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “The Mariana Trench.” The widow replies: “Thanks, that’s really deep.” Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a few words too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “water pit”. The widow replies: “Thanks, I know you mean well.”

The Grocery Debate: Whose Meal is It?

Does any other man do this? At our house, the groceries are mine. I can take my choice of uncooked rice, pasta, produce, a package of raw bacon. Strangely once it is cooked, Bud refers to it as my chicken, my fish, my biscuits. The list goes on and on.

For example, today we had company for lunch. I turned a whole bunch of my groceries into Bud’s fried chicken, Bud’s rolls,Bud’s green beans, Bud’s sweet potato casserole, and Bud’s apple pie. It was delicious. Somehow, when looking lunch was over and clean up in progress, it was as all mine again.


Tonight, after dinner Bud asked if any of his pie left. Sadly. If was all eaten. “Who ate ALL my pie. I reminded him we’d had six to lunch. I’d cut the pie in six pieces.

When he was ready for dinner tonight, he came out looking stricken. “Who ate all my chicken? There’s only three pieces left!

”That should be plenty for your dinner.” I told him. You have plenty of green beans, sweet potato casserole , and rolls left. That should be plenty.”

“Well who ate all my chicken? Did you send it all home with with your mother?”

”I did send her a leg and a thigh for her dinner. She had only weighs 102 pounds. I’m glad she got out with it before he missed his chicken. She only weighs 102 pounds. She needs protein.”

Good Ones!

Mom and Dad are sitting on the sofa…Little Johnny is at the breakfast bar trying, with great difficulty, to remove the foil lid from a little tub of yoghurt…“Stupid f……… lid !” he says…Mom looks to Dad and says “I wonder where he gets that from ?”…Dad replies “Well out of the f……….fridge of course ya stupid b……….

Another…Sean says to Paddy…“Ere, Paddy, how come them scuba divers always fall backwards off the boat ?”…Paddy replies…“Well if they fell off frontwards, they’d still be on the bloody boat !”…

Another…Little Johnny returns home from school early…Dad asks “Why are you home so early ?”…Johnny explains…”Well we were having ‘maths’ class and the teacher asked “Who can tell me what 2 ×3 is ?”, an’ I put up my hand and said 6″…“Yeah, well that’s right” says Dad…“And then she asked me “And can you tell me what 3×2 is ?” “Dad says “It’s the same f……….thing ! ““Thats what I said” says Johnny “and she sent me home !”…

Soft Heart

What’s something most people don’t know about you?

I try to conceal the fact that I am soft-hearted. I tease or use humor to steer the subject away if I fear my feelings will betray me, particularly with people I know. I don’t want to appear weak or vulnerable. I learned to be stoic in early life. Sometimes that’s a good thing, sometimes not.

Morning Chuckles

'He's having trouble pronouncing his arrrrhhhs.' ‘He’s having trouble pronouncing his arrrrhhhs.’
'Ships plumber reporting for duty.' ‘Ships plumber reporting for duty.’
'If I have to perch here all day, then you really need to do something about your ear hair.' ‘If I have to perch here all day, then you really need to do something about your ear hair.’

CAPTAIN SMITHERS
 In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said,
“You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he’s really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a crooked, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, with three strands of hair on his head – a particularly unattractive man of less than three foot tall.

“Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”

“Well, sir, I graduated with honour’s from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar and three DSO’s after 12 months of expeditions behind enemy lines.

I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won Gold Medals in the middleweight division boxing, archery gold, wrestling and a 2 golds in the Olympic games. I have researched the history of…………………………”

Here the Colonel interrupted,
“Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the
CO can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to “Go chase herself.”

No Land Lovers Here
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook”

One Wish
A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.
While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth.
This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into rum!”
The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances.
The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: “Now yee’ve done it!! Now we’re gonna have to pee in the boat.”

Trick Or Treat
A little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating.
He knocks on the door of a house and a man answers.
“oh, i can see you’re dressed up as a pirate.” the man says. “but where are your buccaneers?”
The kid gets really mad, and says “on the sides of my buckin’ head!”

The Best Medical Jokes of the Day

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The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“Give me the good news,” said the patient.

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

That depends on whether the light bulb has health insurance!

You might be a E.R. doctor if …

Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
You say to yourself “great veins” when looking at complete strangers.
You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say “I have no idea how that got stuck in there!”
Your immune system attacks a dog crossing your front lawn.

A seven-year-old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor today.”

“Oh, dear,” the mother sighed nervously. “Tell me exactly what happened, darling.”

“Oh, not much. He made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”

2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

A man comes to the doctor desperate for relief from chronic migraine headaches. When the doctor takes a look at his medical history, he discovers that his poor patient has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. “Listen,” says the doctor. “I have migraines, too … and I’m going to give you some personal advice. There are no clinical studies to back this up, but this is what I do for my own migraines, and it works for me. When I feel a migraine coming on, I go home, take a nice hot bath and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand … especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex … and this almost always cures my headache. Give it a try and come back in six weeks.”

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a huge grin. “Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”

“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”

“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a really nice house.”

An elderly woman walks into a plastic surgeon’s office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says “Well, we have three options. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years.”

The old lady says “Well tell me about the various procedures.”

The doctor says, “For $1000 I can take a few years off and smooth out your wrinkles, but you’ll need to have the procedure repeated year.”

“Forget that one,” she says. “What about the other options?”

“For $3000,” the surgeon explains, “I can do a much better job. I can take twenty years off your face, but you’ll still need a touch up every three years or so.”

“No, that’s no good either,” the woman complains. “What about the last option?”

“For $5000,” the doctor replies, “you are going to get the best facelift modern medicine has to offer, with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery technology. I’ll attach a screw to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, you can come back in and I’ll tighten the screw.”

The old lady is delighted and has the surgery, but about 6 months later she returns to the office very upset. “Doctor, I want my money back!” she cries. “I look horrible! Look at these bags under my eyes!”

The doctor leans back in his chair and says, “Lady, you aren’t getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you’re going to have a mustache.