Month: October 2024

Evening chuckle

Alcohol jokes
Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!” The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word. His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!” The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!” The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, “Damn it, Grandpa, you’re drunk! Go home!”

Little Johnny jokes
Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?” “But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me!” “Johnny,” the father said. “You don’t do those kind of things to women.” Sure enough, the very next sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, I thought we had a talk!” “But Dad,” Johnny said, “It wasn’t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn’t like this, so I pushed it back in!”

Cop jokes
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police. The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls. The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, “Don’t worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!” In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, “I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. ” The old man replied, “I thought you said, there weren’t any officers available.”

Good Neighbor

What makes a good neighbor?

A good neighbor is friendly but non-intrusive. My groceries were recently delivered to my neighbors l’s house and he brought them over. I tended his dogs when he was hospitalized. My other neighbor caught my dog when it slipped out. I was grateful. I share baked goods or canned goods sometimes. My neighbors say they appreciate it. We share pertinent news, burn bans, boil water advisories, and other important information. We all try to make life easier for each other.

Morning Giggles

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9.  You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8.  You ask for high fiber candy only.

7.  When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
you lose your Balance and fall over.

6.  People say: ‘Great Boris Karloff Mask,’
And you’re not wearing a mask.

5.  When the door opens you yell, ‘Trick or…’
And can’t remember the rest.

4.  By the end of the night,
you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3.  You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2.  You’re the only Power Ranger in the
neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go
Trick Or Treating…
*
*
*
1.  You keep having to go home to pee.

No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway

Lou and Lynn Part 12 Escalating Tensions: Family Vs. Sheriff in a Small Town

As soon they finished breakfast, the menfolks headed outdoors. The dogs kicked up a ruckus. The sheriff was back.

Al invited him in. Everyone gathered in the living room, anxious to hear what he had to say. He addressed the adults. “None of this gal’s story checks out.” He said “gal” like it was something nasty on his shoe. “ I need to ask her a few questions. I called the Houston Police Department to ask about a missing kid and old lady. There ain’t no record of Eloise Daly or her grandmother reported missing. Besides that, there is no 3412 Crawford Road in Houston. Crawford Road numbers stop at 242. After that it runs out to the country. There’s nothin’ but cows out there. That phone number you gave me ain’t no good. How come I can’t find out about nothin’ you told me?”

Lynn’s daddy looked hard at her. The sheriff shifted in his chair, looking at her hard. “Now I’m gonna ask again an’ I don’t want anymore of your lyin’. “What’s your name and birthdate?”

Lou was scared now. “My name is Eloise Daly. I was born July 2, 2015. I just had my ninth birthday a couple of weeks ago. I live at 3412 Crawford Road, Houston, Texas, just like I told you.” She waited.

The sheriff’s face flushed. He stood up. I guess you think you real smart don’t you? You know as well as I do it’s 1964, You know what I think? I think your grandma put you out here so you could you could open the door for her. Y’all are plannin’ on robbin’ folks. There’s been some break ins last week. Don’t be lying no more about Houston or being born in 2015. You might be crazy, but I ain’t. I’m takin’ you in till your grandma shows up: Then I’ll deal with her. Come on.”

“Now hold on a minute.” said Lynn’s daddy. “This kid may be telling crazy stories but you can’t take a kid to jail for that. She ain’t hurt nothing. She ain’t no bigger than my girl. You can’t put a kid in jail.” he said.

“You’re steppin’ over the line here,” said the sheriff. Do you really want to get arrested over this lyin’ kid?”

Aunt Kat interrupted. “He’s right, Al. You don’t want to go to jail over this. Lou, come with me. We’ll get your stuff.” Lou looked like she’d been slapped but she followed Aunt Kat, to the back of the house still holding the baby.

Aunt Kat got two belts from her husband’s closet. She looped them together and fastened one around herself and the infant, and the other around Lou. They could only move together. She stuffed a few diapers in the diaper bag. “Now don’t you say a word. You’re not going anywhere. Come on.” They walked in lockstep back to the living room.

“Sheriff, you know me. I’m a decent woman and a church member. I can’t let you take this child off by herself. It’s not right. Me and the baby have to go with her. I’m the only one that can feed the baby. You can lock us all up together. She doesn’t cry too much. Al, you and Lynn can manage somehow with Connie. She’s on the bottle.” Al panicked. He’d never been responsible for the house or baby.

“No! Sheriff. You can’t take my wife and baby. She’s never done a wrong thing in her life. Kathy, you can’t go off! You’ve got a family to take care of.” Al was determined not to let her go. Little Connie clung to her mother’s leg screaming. Right on cue, she soiled her diaper.

“Al, I’m not letting a nine-year-old girl go off alone with the sheriff. You’ll just have to manage.” She responded. Al thought she’d lost her mind.

“Sheriff, This family can’t manage without her. If you’ll leave the girl here I’ll take responsibility for her. If her grandma shows up, I’ll get you word. You know I am a man of my word. I’ve never been in any trouble.” Al held out his hand.

The sheriff actually looked relieved. He’d opened a can of worms. He held out his hand to shake. “I expect to hear from you if her grandma shows up.

To be continued:

Chicken Jokes

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Psychiatrist: What seems to be the problem?

Patient: I think I’m a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I came out of my shell.

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”

“What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I used a different rooster,” he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”

On my way to climb Mt. Everest, I came upon a local villager who said he had a rooster that laid eggs.

“How is that possible?” I asked.
“Himalayan rooster,” he replied.

A farmer goes to the market to buy a rooster

He sees one he likes, so he asks the seller:”Is he any good for mating?”

“Oh, no problem there, he took care of every single chicken I had. He even tries to carry on with ducks, turkeys, even pigs!”

“Then why” asks the puzzled farmer “are you even selling him?”

“You see” answers the seller “lately he’s been looking at me kinda funny.”

Dancing

What could you try for the first time?

I suppose I could try dancing. I have attempted a few times and felt totally ridiculous. I’ve always been clumsy with absolutely no sense of rhythm. I’ve always admired dancers but believe I could probably fly as well as dance.

Revenge Joke

Betty Smith called John Jones saying, “I have proof my husband and your wife are having an affair and I am good and mad.  We need to meet at a motel and get some revenge.”

He agreed.  They got a room and set about getting revenge.  He was about to catch a nap when she shook his shoulder and said, “I’m still mad.  Let’s get some more revenge.”

They got more revenge.  As he got ready to leave, she complained.  “I’m still mad.  I need more revenge.”

John Jones was a forgiving man.  “Good Lord, woman, I ain’t never seen no one to hold a grudge like you. Let it go.  I ain’t got no more hard feelings.”

My Husband’s Humorous Encounters with Religious Visitors

My husband is the only person I know who looks forward to having pesky religious visitors drop by in hopes of illuminating and converting him.  We used to have fairly regular concerned visitors from various denominations come to call, but I fear his reputation has spread and our house bears a hidden mark of some type, warning the pious to avoid us like the plague. Continue reading →

Lou and Lynn Part 11 From Dream to Reality: Lou’s Waffle Surprise

Lou woke to the smell of her favorite breakfast, maple syrup and waffles. Mom was wrapped in her big fluffy robe. “Mom, I’m home! I’m home She jumped up and danced Mom around. “I knew Grandma would get me home!”

”You funny girl! Of course you’re home! You’ve been home since you and Grandma got back from your ride yesterday Now put a tshirt and shorts on over your swimsuit and come down to breakfast. We’re leaving for the beach as soon as we eat!” Mom said.

”Mom! I had the worst dream! Me and Grandma were riding and I got zapped by lightning into Louisiana. Grandma disappeared and a mean sheriff was gonna take me to jail! It was awful!” Lou couldn’t talk fast enough.

”That would have been awful.” said Mom, “but it was just a dream. Get dressed and come on down to breakfast, so we can go!”

Lou pulled on the closest clothes off her floor, grabbing her IPad and charger. She put them in her backpack and raced down the stairs. Lou grabbed a plate of waffles off the counter and loaded them with maple syrup. “Hmmmmm!”

Lightning flashed and Lou smelled a strange clorox-type smell. She found herself on the far side of the bed from Lynn, still holding her plate of waffles, backpack slung over her shoulder. “Where did you go?” Lynn asked. “I woke up and you were gone! Not in the bathroom……..nowhere! I thought maybe the sheriff came and got you. Where did you get waffles? Mom never makes waffles. You have to have a special pan. Did she say you could eat in here? We can’t bring food in the bedroom!”

Lynn was ready to chatter on but Lou said, ”Stop! Lynn, I woke up in my own bed this morning. Mom gave me these waffles for breakfast. We were getting ready to go to the beach. Then, I popped back here!”

“That’s crazy!” Lou said. “You can’t just pop in and out.”

“Just look.” protested Lou. “I’m in my own clothes! I have a plate of waffles! I couldn’t have gotten them here. I’ve got my backpack and IPad . This had to come from my house! Mom said I hadn’t been gone.!”

“None of this makes sense!” Lynn said. “We’d better tell Mother and Daddy.”

They headed up front, Lou still holding the plate of waffles with her backpack on her shoulder. “Did y’all make your bed before you came up front?” Lynn’s mother noted the plate of waffles. “Where did you get those? I don’t have a waffle iron! Where did you get those clothes and that bag on your shoulder?”

“Aunt Kat, you aren’t gonna believe what’s happened!” Lou started to tell her.

“Wait, you need to tell Al about all this, too! Let me go get the baby. I need to feed her. Lynn, can you change Connie, put her in her walker, and give her a cracker? I’ll be right back.”

The girls busied themselves with Connie. Lou’s daddy and seven-year-old Billy came through the back door, tracking in mud and grass. Daddy settled himself in his easy chair. Billy plopped on the floor and switched the TV to cartoons. “ Boy, turn that TV to the news. Lynn, get me a cup of coffee. Where’s your mother? She needs to be cooking breakfast. I’ve got stuff to do.”

Lynn brought him a cup of coffee. “Biscuits are in the oven. The grits are ready. I’ll start making gravy.”

Aunt Kat came from the back with the baby. “I’m going to have to take time to feed her as soon as I get breakfast on the table.” She handed the baby to Lou and loaded the hot biscuits on a platter. While Lynn put the gravy in a bowl, her mother put the bowl of grits in front of her husband’s plate. “Y’all come eat” she called out.

With Connie in her highchair, Lynn gave the baby her bottle while Mother served the kids. Daddy and Billy dug in. “Al, we need to talk. Something strange is going on. Lou thought she woke up at home, but then found herself snapped back here in an instant. Look at her clothes and her bag. They’re not from here. And look at her plate…waffles! I don’t have a waffle iron. There’s definitely something strange going on.” She paused, waiting for him to answer.

“That’s nonsense. I don’t know what she’s trying to pull, but I’m not putting up with any of her foolishness. I don’t want to hear any more about it.” He glared at Lou. “You watch yourself.” She dropped her head. She knew he wanted her gone. He pushed his chair back and went outside. Billy followed.

To be continued: