Have you ever performed on stage or given a speech?
I was a nurse educator for many years as well as a member of a nurses association. Public speaking was a large part of my job. I got totally comfortable with it since I was totally knowledgeable about my subject matter. After a few years I got involved politically on the national level advocating for nephrology nurses and patients. I visited Washington DC. Several times to speak to lawmakers. Nutses can do a lot politically.
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
I told Santa you were good this year….and He hasn’t stopped laughing since!
Entering Heaven
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s glasses.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”
You Better be Good
Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.
Sarah’s parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn’t like it when children fight. This had little impact.
“I’ll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior,” the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah’s eyes grew big as her mother asked “Mrs. Claus” (really Sarah’s aunt; Santa’s real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah’s mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah’s uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa’s remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, “What did Santa say to you, dear?”
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, “Santa said he won’t be bringing toys to my sister this year.”
A Christmas Gift A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”
Signs of Christmas EverywhereSubmitted by L Jon Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”
Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”
Outside a church: “The original Christmas Club.”
At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd.”
A Texas jewelry store: “Diamond tiaras — $70,000. Three for $200,000.
A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”
In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything… a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”
A Sign of the TimesAs a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?” The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”
There are currently 78 people named S. Claus living in the U.S. — and one Kriss Kringle. (You gotta wonder about that one kid’s parents)
December is the most popular month for nose jobs.
Weight of Santa’s sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.
Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton s sleigh: 214,206 — plus Rudolph.
Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour. With real beard: $20.
To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound.
At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame instantaneously.
Do You Know Santa’s True Profession??? Submitted by KSmith
Consider the following:
1. You never actually see Santa, only his “assistants.” 2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire. 3. Santa doesn’t really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he’s the one who everybody credits with the work. 4. Santa doesn’t work anywhere near a 40 hour week. 5. Santa travels a lot.
Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!
At Grandma’s- Written by Tab Nettleton Submitted by Joke-Of-The-Day.com member Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
“I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE… I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO… I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR…”
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.” To which the little brother replied, “No, but Gramma is!”
Christmas FiremanIn a small Southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a “Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said “See, it says right here,
The picture above stimulated the first mystical experience of my life. One of three first experiences in a twenty-four hour period for me. Quite a record for a six-year-old I’d say, not to mention, my future husband was linked to one of them. My mother and her dear friend Mildred who’d just learned to drive, decided one cold evening when their husbands were at work they’d like to drive over and spend the evening with Mildred’s sister, Mary, who many years later was fortunate enough to become my mother-in-law. While we were there Susie, Miss Mary’s prissy big girl, showed us little kids the glorious pictures in the big family bible, complete with terrifying stories of angels, devils, fire reigning down on Sodom and Gomorrah, and Adam and Eve being cast out of Eden. It was awesome.
Long after dark, we started home. Naturally, all the kids immediately fell asleep as soon as the car got warm and dark. The next thing I knew, I saw blazing lights as we whirled around. I realized immediately we were ascending into heaven in a whirlwind of fire but I wasn’t to happy about it! Howling kids were tossed all over the car. It turned out to be a far less heavenly experience. We’d been hit by a drunk driver but somehow escaped serious injury or a trip to heaven. The last thing my mother told me the next morning was not to tell my class that Johnny Jones daddy got drunk and hit our car. I had no idea it was Johnny’s daddy who’d hit our car
I had my next new experience first thing the next morning at school. I was the first up at our class’s first and last Show and Tell the next morning. I had a black eye to Show and plenty to Tell. Despite Mother’s warning, I felt the first grade really would be interested to know Johnny Jones’s father got drunk and hit our car. Miss Angie made me hush and sit down. We never had Show and Tell again, ever. Johnny Jones and I got in a fight at recess. We had to sit in the hall. The third first for me.
I admired the way Miz Laura Mae’s daughter Glomie got her name, though I only learned later it wasn’t spelled the way it was pronounced.
“Betty Lou was the purtiest baby I had, even if I do say so myself. With her fat little legs, blue eyes, and curly hair, I thought for shore somebody would try to steal ‘er. She was my first an’ I held her all day. I didn’ know no better then. It’s a wonder she ever learned to walk. When she was about a year and a half old, Myrtle came along, red-headed and kind of puny. She had colic and squalled non-stop for seven months till my milk dried up. That’s when I found out for shore nursin’ wouldn’t keep me from gittin thataway. I had to put her on the bottle and table food and she took off. Purty soon, she was going ever’where. She wasn’t but about sixteen months old when Glomie come along.
Glomie was born long after midnight. Floyd had been drinkin’ and was purty well-lit by the time me and the baby was cleaned up an’ I was ready to get some rest. My two sisters, Oly was settling us in when Dr. Garnet asked Floyd if we’d picked a name for the baby.
“I done decided to call this one, Glomie, no matter if it was a boy or girl.” He asserted.
“Glomie. I ain’t never heard that name,” said Dr. Garnet. “How do you spell it?” He was filling out the birth certificate.
“Glomie. It’s got the first letter of ever’ state I ever been in,” Floyd answered morosely. “G for Georgia. L for Louisiana. O for Oklahoma. M for Mississippi. A for Arkansas. I don’t reckon with all these youngun’s I’ll ever git to go nowhere else.’
“If you’re sure,” said Dr. Garnet. “I hate to hang that on a kid, but I guess I’ve heard worse.”
By the time I found out the next mornin’, the namin’ was all over an’ that pore baby was stuck with Glomie. I never did let Floyd name another one.
My work friend, Charlotte, told me of running her credit card up calling “Miss Cleo” a TV psychic who advertised on daytime TV. “She tells me good stuff but keep stringing me on to run my bill up.
“Oh Charlotte.” I said. “Don’t call her. She’s a fake. She just tells you what she knows people want to hear. I can forecast as well as she can and won’t charge you a penny! Let’s see. You are going to meet a tall man with really dark skin who will really like you. Also, you will come into some money”
“Well, I sure hope I get some money.” she said. “It’s a week till payday and I ain’t got a penny.”
Monday morning she came in walking on air. “You told my fortune better than Miss Cleo.” she said. “I found a hundred dollar bill on the parking lot Friday on the way out. Then I went to the club on Saturday night with Cherry Dale and I met this tall, handsome man. He was just crazy about me. He’s picking me up after work today. You got to tell me another fortune.”
“Charlotte, I can’t tell fortunes. I just told that as an example of a fortune like Miss Cleo tells. I didn’t want her to get any more of your money.” I told her.
“Well, you sure told me right!” She insisted.
“It was a total shot in the dark.”
She clearly believed I had a talent. Quite a few times after that she asked for a fortune. They were all general things a woman might want to hear. A few times I got something she thought happened. She remembered those and she insisted I could foretell. At least I didn’t run her credit card up. I guess even a blind hog gets an acorn sometime.
HumorMatterstm
You Better be Good
The picture above stimulated the first mystical experience of my life. One of three first experiences in a twenty-four hour period for me. Quite a record for a six-year-old I’d say, not to mention, my future husband was linked to one of them. My mother and her dear friend Mildred who’d just learned to drive, decided one cold evening when their husbands were at work they’d like to drive over and spend the evening with Mildred’s sister, Mary, who many years later was fortunate enough to become my mother-in-law. While we were there Susie, Miss Mary’s prissy big girl, showed us little kids the glorious pictures in the big family bible, complete with terrifying stories of angels, devils, fire reigning down on Sodom and Gomorrah, and Adam and Eve being cast out of Eden. It was awesome.
I admired the way Miz Laura Mae’s daughter Glomie got her name, though I only learned later it wasn’t spelled the way it was pronounced.
Nutsrok 