Day: December 18, 2024

Izzy’s Stressful Life

I thought I was giving Izzy at treat and inadvertently introduced stress into his happy little life. He is now obsessed with this chew. He normally spends a good bit of his time lap-sitting but the last couple of days, he’s been moving this to keep it out of our big dog’s reach. He seems to derive no please from it. I think I may need to swap it out for a toy so he can get back to business as normal.

Good Man

Describe a man who has positively impacted your life.

My husband, Bud, has positively impacted my life. He supports me in what I need to do. Though he shares his opinions freely, he understands I will do what I feel I feel is best. When I realized I was not cut out to be a teacher, he supported me in pursuit oof my nursing career. He is a strong, kind man. I wish there were more like him.

Tea with Ralphie and Barbie

Connie’s first grade class picture.  Connie sits directly in front of the teacher.  Mother made her dress.

Ralphie’s mom had coffee with Mother several mornings a week.  A quirky little guy, he played happily with Connie and Marilyn in their bedroom.  Mother never let them shut the bedroom door.  She still hadn’t gotten over my brother poking holes in Barbie’s nipples with a straight pin.  One morning, Mother heard the door shut.  She left her coffee and opened the door.  “Leave the door open.  It’ll get too hot in here.”  Ralphie was digging happily in the toy box, obviously in pursuit of some prize.  In just a minute, Mother heard the door shut again.  Leaving her coffee, she opened the bedroom  again.  Barbie dolls, clothes, and accessories were spread all around.  Hurriedly, Ralphie hid a half-dressed Barbie behind his back.  “Leave the door open.  It’s hot in here.”

”I want the door shut,” said Ralphie.  “I’m cold.”

Realizing Ralphie hadn’t wanted to be seen playing Barbie, Mother answered.  “Tell you what, kids.  Bring your Barbies and tea set in the living room and I’ll make you some KoolAid.  We’ll all have a tea party.”  The kids gathered up their toys and set up in the living room at their mama’s feet.  Ever after, when Ralphie came to play Barbie, they all had a tea party in the living room with the ladies.

Circumcision

The Retiring Rabbi A rabbi is planning on retiring from his main occupation, which is performing circumcisions. Over the years he’s saved up all the foreskins from all the circumcisions he’s taken part in. He looks at them and decides to take them to the local leatherworker to see if something can be made of them. The rabbi explains that he’d like to have a retirement gift made out of the foreskins and the leatherworker agrees and tells the rabbi to come back in a couple weeks. A couple weeks later the rabbi comes back and the leatherworker hands him a wallet. “All those foreskins and you only made me a wallet?!?” The rabbi exclaims. The leatherworker replies, “Don’t fret, if you rub it a bit it becomes a suitcase.”

A Bizarre Request A man walks into the doctor’s office and says: “Doctor, my name is Mark, and I’d like to be castrated.” “What? Are you sure about this? Why?” asks the doctor, amazed. “It’s something I’ve been considering a long time and I’d like to have it done” replies Mark. “But have you thought it through? REALLY through?” asks the concerned doctor, “It’s a very serious operation and once it’s done, there’s no going back. It will change your life forever!” “I’m aware of that and you’re not going to change my mind, so please book me in to be castrated or I’ll simply use another doctor.” “Well, OK,” says the doctor, “But I’ll have you know that it’s against my better judgment!” So Mark has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. “Hi there,” says Mark,” It looks as if you’ve just had the same operation as me.” “Yes, it seems like it,” said the patient. “As for me, I finally decided after 37 years of life that it was time for me to be circumcised.” Mark stared at him in horror and screamed: “Darn it! THAT was the word!!!”

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

The Priest, The Rabbi and the Bear A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped almost head to toe in a body cast. “Looking back,” he sighs, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

The Jewish Samurai Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai. “Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two! “What a feat!” said the emperor. “Number Two Samurai, show me what you do.” The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish! *Swish!* The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. “That is skill!” nodded the emperor. “How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?” The Jewish samurai, Hiroshi Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoosh!* flourished his sword mightily, but the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the emperor said, “What kind of skill is that?? The fly isn’t even dead.” “Dead?” replied Cohen in contempt. “Dead is easy. Now circumcision, that takes skill.”

Some Things Won’t Be Forgiven

A harried mother came to the urgent care center where I was working. Her five-year old-boy was wearing nothing but a sheet and a scowl. He was obviously unhappy with his mother and in distress. I assessed him and asked him the problem. 

“I’ve got this big hard piece of tape stuck on the end of my pecker and it won’t come off.  She’s had me sitting in the bathtub all morning, and it ain’t come off yet!”  With this he shot her a murderous look.  She explained he’d had a circumcision recently and the dressing was still clinging stubbornly.

He broke back in furiously, “I told you I didn’t want no surgery!  Ever’thin’ was workin’ just fine till you hired somebody to whittle on my pecker.”

I wasn’t getting in that family fight!

 

Miss Laura Mae’s House Part 8

creekMiss Laura Mae had news for me when we showed up for coffee. “My grandson, Petey, is comin’ to stay for a few days. He’s about your age. Y’all can play together.”

Great! I was delighted. I was a friendly kid who’d have played with a rattlesnake, as long as it didn’t bite too many times. I played with Billy, but he was three years younger than I. I was always waiting when my sister Phyllis got off the school bus, but the prospect of a playmate at Miss Laura Mae’s house was thrilling.

Petey was a mean kid. He stuck his tongue out at me and pulled the corners of his eyes down behind Miss Laura Mae’s back before we even got out of the kitchen. He shoved me off the top step and the dog got my biscuit first thing. Laughing my skinned knees, he chanted, “Cry baby, cry. Go tell your mama!” I was insulted by his use of the word “gals,” a word I’d always despised. I knocked him off the steps, giving him a taste of his own medicine. He ran off to play with the Clarkston boys next door, which was fine by me. I wasn’t the crying or the tattling kind, but made up my mind he was going to mess up and I’d be ready.

crawfish-crayfish-on-sidewalk
I talked Miss Laura Mae out of a string and bacon rind for crawfishing. Crawfishing was simple. Just drag a bacon rind on a string through shallow ditch or creek and crawfish hang on. I had forgotten about Petey and had half a coffee can full before he slipped up on me as I admired my finest crawfish. As he tried to push me in the ditch, I dodged, swinging the big crawfish onto Petey. It grabbed a hank of his hair and hung on for dear life. You’d have thought it was a snake, the way he squalled like a little “gal” half the way back to Miss Laura’s house.

I snagged a few more before I made my way back with my can of crawfish, wondering if Petey had tattled, but he was nowhere to be seen.

“I brought you some crawfish, Miss Laura Mae.” She loved to put them in her soup.

“Bring ‘em here and let me see,” she said. “Ooh! That’s a pretty nice bunch. I think me an’ Petey might go back to the crick and get enough for supper,”

“That’d be good,” I said.