Month: December 2024

Tea with Ralphie and Barbie

Connie’s first grade class picture.  Connie sits directly in front of the teacher.  Mother made her dress.

Ralphie’s mom had coffee with Mother several mornings a week.  A quirky little guy, he played happily with Connie and Marilyn in their bedroom.  Mother never let them shut the bedroom door.  She still hadn’t gotten over my brother poking holes in Barbie’s nipples with a straight pin.  One morning, Mother heard the door shut.  She left her coffee and opened the door.  “Leave the door open.  It’ll get too hot in here.”  Ralphie was digging happily in the toy box, obviously in pursuit of some prize.  In just a minute, Mother heard the door shut again.  Leaving her coffee, she opened the bedroom  again.  Barbie dolls, clothes, and accessories were spread all around.  Hurriedly, Ralphie hid a half-dressed Barbie behind his back.  “Leave the door open.  It’s hot in here.”

”I want the door shut,” said Ralphie.  “I’m cold.”

Realizing Ralphie hadn’t wanted to be seen playing Barbie, Mother answered.  “Tell you what, kids.  Bring your Barbies and tea set in the living room and I’ll make you some KoolAid.  We’ll all have a tea party.”  The kids gathered up their toys and set up in the living room at their mama’s feet.  Ever after, when Ralphie came to play Barbie, they all had a tea party in the living room with the ladies.

Circumcision

The Retiring Rabbi A rabbi is planning on retiring from his main occupation, which is performing circumcisions. Over the years he’s saved up all the foreskins from all the circumcisions he’s taken part in. He looks at them and decides to take them to the local leatherworker to see if something can be made of them. The rabbi explains that he’d like to have a retirement gift made out of the foreskins and the leatherworker agrees and tells the rabbi to come back in a couple weeks. A couple weeks later the rabbi comes back and the leatherworker hands him a wallet. “All those foreskins and you only made me a wallet?!?” The rabbi exclaims. The leatherworker replies, “Don’t fret, if you rub it a bit it becomes a suitcase.”

A Bizarre Request A man walks into the doctor’s office and says: “Doctor, my name is Mark, and I’d like to be castrated.” “What? Are you sure about this? Why?” asks the doctor, amazed. “It’s something I’ve been considering a long time and I’d like to have it done” replies Mark. “But have you thought it through? REALLY through?” asks the concerned doctor, “It’s a very serious operation and once it’s done, there’s no going back. It will change your life forever!” “I’m aware of that and you’re not going to change my mind, so please book me in to be castrated or I’ll simply use another doctor.” “Well, OK,” says the doctor, “But I’ll have you know that it’s against my better judgment!” So Mark has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. “Hi there,” says Mark,” It looks as if you’ve just had the same operation as me.” “Yes, it seems like it,” said the patient. “As for me, I finally decided after 37 years of life that it was time for me to be circumcised.” Mark stared at him in horror and screamed: “Darn it! THAT was the word!!!”

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

The Priest, The Rabbi and the Bear A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped almost head to toe in a body cast. “Looking back,” he sighs, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

The Jewish Samurai Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai. “Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two! “What a feat!” said the emperor. “Number Two Samurai, show me what you do.” The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish! *Swish!* The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. “That is skill!” nodded the emperor. “How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?” The Jewish samurai, Hiroshi Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoosh!* flourished his sword mightily, but the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the emperor said, “What kind of skill is that?? The fly isn’t even dead.” “Dead?” replied Cohen in contempt. “Dead is easy. Now circumcision, that takes skill.”

Some Things Won’t Be Forgiven

A harried mother came to the urgent care center where I was working. Her five-year old-boy was wearing nothing but a sheet and a scowl. He was obviously unhappy with his mother and in distress. I assessed him and asked him the problem. 

“I’ve got this big hard piece of tape stuck on the end of my pecker and it won’t come off.  She’s had me sitting in the bathtub all morning, and it ain’t come off yet!”  With this he shot her a murderous look.  She explained he’d had a circumcision recently and the dressing was still clinging stubbornly.

He broke back in furiously, “I told you I didn’t want no surgery!  Ever’thin’ was workin’ just fine till you hired somebody to whittle on my pecker.”

I wasn’t getting in that family fight!

 

Miss Laura Mae’s House Part 8

creekMiss Laura Mae had news for me when we showed up for coffee. “My grandson, Petey, is comin’ to stay for a few days. He’s about your age. Y’all can play together.”

Great! I was delighted. I was a friendly kid who’d have played with a rattlesnake, as long as it didn’t bite too many times. I played with Billy, but he was three years younger than I. I was always waiting when my sister Phyllis got off the school bus, but the prospect of a playmate at Miss Laura Mae’s house was thrilling.

Petey was a mean kid. He stuck his tongue out at me and pulled the corners of his eyes down behind Miss Laura Mae’s back before we even got out of the kitchen. He shoved me off the top step and the dog got my biscuit first thing. Laughing my skinned knees, he chanted, “Cry baby, cry. Go tell your mama!” I was insulted by his use of the word “gals,” a word I’d always despised. I knocked him off the steps, giving him a taste of his own medicine. He ran off to play with the Clarkston boys next door, which was fine by me. I wasn’t the crying or the tattling kind, but made up my mind he was going to mess up and I’d be ready.

crawfish-crayfish-on-sidewalk
I talked Miss Laura Mae out of a string and bacon rind for crawfishing. Crawfishing was simple. Just drag a bacon rind on a string through shallow ditch or creek and crawfish hang on. I had forgotten about Petey and had half a coffee can full before he slipped up on me as I admired my finest crawfish. As he tried to push me in the ditch, I dodged, swinging the big crawfish onto Petey. It grabbed a hank of his hair and hung on for dear life. You’d have thought it was a snake, the way he squalled like a little “gal” half the way back to Miss Laura’s house.

I snagged a few more before I made my way back with my can of crawfish, wondering if Petey had tattled, but he was nowhere to be seen.

“I brought you some crawfish, Miss Laura Mae.” She loved to put them in her soup.

“Bring ‘em here and let me see,” she said. “Ooh! That’s a pretty nice bunch. I think me an’ Petey might go back to the crick and get enough for supper,”

“That’d be good,” I said.

Life today

Is your life today what you pictured a year ago?

My life is better in some ways than I had hoped. Last year at this time , my ninety-six-year-old Mother lived alone in her home. I spent a great deal of my time helping her, taking her to do errands, and just taking her out. Despite all the time I spent with her, I knew it wasn’t enough. She was starved for company and wasn’t thriving. Her weight was dropping and she was weak. With encouragement, she made the difficult decision to move into an independent living apartment, an excellent decision.

She enjoys sharing meals with her friends in the dining room, has walks twice a day, has gained weight, and attends church again. Every day she tells me how happy she is now. I visit her two to three times a week because I want to, not because she needs my care. Both our lives are much better.

https://youtu.be/9xCleR6y4A0

Click link to go to youtube.

Miss Laura Mae’s House Part 7

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We could hear laughter as we opened the screen door. Miss Laura Mae and Miss Oly were dawdling over coffee when we walked in, tears running down their cheeks.

I stared, having no idea people could laugh and cry at the same time. “You ladies are having a great time. No don’t get up. I’ll get my own coffee. What in the world is so funny?” Mother wanted to know. They both took hankies out of apron pockets, wiping their eyes before cleaning glasses.

“It’s just so good to be together again after twenty-five years apart. Ory was just tellin’ me about her ol’ man comin’ in drunk an’ blackin’ her eye one night. Once he went to sleep acrost the bed, she took a bed slat to ‘im an beat’im black an’ blue.”

She gave me my biscuit as Mother shooed me out to my roost on the back step.

Miss Ory broke in, “Yeah, Harvey was a Holiness preacher but it didn’t keep ‘im from gittin’ loaded an’ chasin’ anything in a skirt of a Saturday night. After I beat ‘im, he was so sore he could’n’ hardly move the next mornin’when it was time for preachin’. He got up in the pulpit an’ said he’d been a’cuttin firewood an’ a tree fell on him. It was only the Lord’s mercy that saved him. I wasn’t gonna let him got away with that. I got up an’ testified askin’ to Lord to forgive me for tyin’ ‘im up in a sheet an’ beatin’ ‘im up so bad for tomcattin’ around.

I was gonna leave ‘im after that. I wasn’t gonna take no whoopin’ from no man, but his brothers come by after church. They was deacons an’ their daddy had been the preacher there till he passed. They said if I’d stay, they’d see Harvey did’n’ never lay a hand on me agin’ but I was still set on leavin’. Then all three of ’em’said they’d church me if I left, an’ I’d go to Hell. The little fellers was listening an’ set up a howl. ‘Don’t make my mama go to Hell!’ 

They was a carryin’ on so, I didn’t have the heart to git up an’ leave, with them a’scared I was ‘goin’ to Hell. No youngun ought to have to worry ’bout somethin’ like that.

They was good as their word. If Harvey got out ‘o line, they’d straighten ‘im out. Harvey was still a Heller,but he ain’t whooped on me ner the younguns no more an’ that’s all I keered about.

One time after we had a row, all of a sudden he calmed down an’ took me fish in’. We left the little fellers with his mama an’ walked down to the crick. He wanted to go out in his ol’ boat, even though he knowed I’d ruther fish off the bank. I could’n’ swin an’ I was a’scared o’water. He said he’d been gittin’ them fine white perch just off the point. I do love white perch. Anyways, when we got a ways out, he stood up an’ was a’rockin’the boat back an’forth till he tipped us over. I knewed he meant me to drown. 

I heard later he was a’slippin aroun’ with that Garrett woman. I let his brothers know an’ they told him nothin’ better happen to me. Not long after that he had a stroke an’ needed me to take keer o’ him. Couldn’t of planned it better myself. He never was no more trouble to me, so it all worked out fine. I didn’ git churched an’ worry the kids, I still had my home, an’ Harvey could’n’ worry me no more. Things was peaceful after that, but I shore don’t miss puttin’on up with him ner makin’ them durn biscuits ever’ mornin’. I don’t aim to ever make another biscuit!”

The Joy of People-Watching

img_1660The best part of traveling is people-watching.  A young family was sitting a sat or two behind me.  The mother had to take the little girl to the bathroom and interrogated the little boy vigorously as to whether he had to go.  Emphatically, he did not.  Mom annoyed him by asking again.  He stalwartly denied a need to go, despite her insistent interrogation.  Giving up, she took the little girl.  Not long after they were reseated and buckled in, imminent landed was announced.  He’d missed his chance.  Immediately, he set up a howl.  “Mom, get me out of here.  I gotta go! I gotta Go!  The pee is coming down!”

“What!  You said you didn’t have to go!”

 

Next I watched a young mother bouncing her wailing newborn.  Clearly, she was exhausted.  A young man walked up and she handed off baby, bottle, and pacifier. He skillfully bounced and fed the baby with pacifier in his mouth.  What a man!

 

Another couple was corralling two little guys.  The older knocked the smaller off a climbing toy.  Dad exploded.  “That’s it!” and stormed off.  Mom simultaneously calmed the little one and put the other in time out.  He howled.

“You hush and think about what you did.  I don’t like the way you treated your brother.”  He snuffled a while before quieting.  Before too long, he was playing with his brother.   Eventually, Dad was back.

Little Rules of Life

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Sing in the shower.
Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.
Watch a sunrise at least once a year.
Leave the toilet seat in the down position.
Never refuse homemade brownies.
Strive for excellence, not perfection.
Plant a tree on your birthday.
Learn 3 clean jokes.
Return borrowed vehicles with the gas tank full.
Compliment 3 people every day.
Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
Leave everything a little better than you found it.
Keep it simple.
Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures.
Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
Floss your teeth.
Ask for a raise when you think you’ve earned it.
Overtip breakfast waitresses.
Be forgiving of yourself and others.
Say, “Thank you” a lot.
Say, “Please” a lot.
Avoid negative people.
Buy whatever kids are selling on card tables in their front yards.
Wear polished shoes.
Remember other people’s birthdays.
Commit yourself to constant improvement.
Carry jumper cables in your truck.
Have a firm handshake.
Send lots of Valentine cards.
Sign them, “Someone who thinks you’re terrific.”
Look people in the eye.
Be the first to say hello.The Little Rules of Life
Use the good silver.
Return all things you borrow.
Make new friends, but cherish the old ones.
Keep a few secrets.
Sing in a choir.
Plant flowers every spring.
Have a dog. (Or cat)
Always accept an outstretched hand.
Stop blaming others.
Take responsibility for every area of your life.
Wave at kids on school busses.
Be there when people need you.
Feed a stranger’s expired parking meter.
Don’t expect life to be fair.
Never underestimate the power of love.
Drink champagne for no reason at all.
Live your life as an exclamation, not an explanation.
Don’t be afraid to say, “I made a mistake.”
Don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know.”
Compliment even small improvements.
Keep your promises no matter what.
Marry for love.
Rekindle old friendships.
Count your blessings.
Call your mother.

by H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Santa’s Finest Moment

imageOne year when my son was in high school he was especially full of himself. I snagged him to help decorate. Making no complaints, he offered to do the mantel, using the traditional garland, candles, sleigh and elves, paying careful attention to his Grandma’s hand-made Santa, the special centerpiece she always looked for. His enthusiasm was refreshing. The extended family had gathered, and of, was admiring Grandma’s lovely Santa gracing the mantel yet another year. That’s when it became apparent he’d made especially, good use of a giant red and white striped candy cane, enhancing Santa’s holiday charm. I hope he has five boys just like himself!