’Twas the month after Christmas and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales, there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber),
I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared:
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt,
And prepared once again to battle with dirt,
I said to myself, as only I can,
“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”
So, away with the last of the sour cream dip.
Get rid of the fruitcake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
’Til all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie—not even a lick.
I’ll only just chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or cornbread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m grouchy, can’t fit through the door,
But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
~ Author Unknown

New Year’s Resolution Prayers

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to
run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Dear Lord,
So far this year I’ve done well. I haven’t gossiped, I haven’t lost my temper, I haven’t been
greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for that. But in a few
minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on, I’m probably going to need a
lot more help. Amen

New Year’s Resolution over the Years
2019: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2020: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2021: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2022: I will work out three days a week.
2023: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

Football or Food
As in many homes on New Year’s Day, Janet and Jim, a happily married couple, faced
the annual conflict of which was more important—the football game on television or the
special meal.
Hoping to keep the peace, Jim ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered
for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.
Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was. She even graciously brought him a
cold beer. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek, and asked what the score was. Jim told her it
was halftime and that the score was still 0–0.
“See?” Janet said happily. “You didn’t miss a thing.”

©ActivityConnection.com – Funny New Year’s Resolutions & Jokes – Page 2 of 3
New Year’s Morning Lecture
Early New Year’s morning, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the
parking lot and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.
“What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?” asked the police officer.
“I’m on my way to a lecture,” answered Roger.
“And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of the night?”
inquired the constable sarcastically.
“My wife,” slurred Daniel grimly.