memoir

I Didn’t Do Nothing!

Connie and Marilyn, my younger sisters were great friends with Ralphie, the neighbor boy.  They never fought, playing happily for hours.  Most often, they shared a seat on the school bus, since his stop was right after theirs.  A skinny little guy, Ralphie’s nose dominated his face, causing him to endure taunts on a regular basis.

One afternoon, Connie flew in crying to Mother the instant she got off the bus.  “Ralphie hit me in the stomach!”

Mother was shocked.  They’d always been such good friends.  “Why did he do that?  He never hits.  What did you do to him?”

”Nothing!  I didn’t do nothing to him!”  Marilyn was right behind her, backing her up.

”Are you sure you didn’t  do anything to him?”  she queried.

”No!” Connie insisted.

”Come on then.  I guess we’d better go talk to his mama.  I can’t have him hitting y’all.”  She got her purse and herded Connie and Marilyn into the car, determined to put a stop to Ralphie’s bad behavior before it got out of hand.  The girls were delighted, knowing Ralphie anticipating Ralphie’s big trouble.

Miss Betty invited Mother in, though she did seem a little cool.  Ralphie and the girls settled to play, as they always did.

Miss Betty brought Mother a cup of coffee and took a seat at the kitchen table with Mother.  “ I need to talk to you, Betty.  Connie said Ralphie hit her in the stomach for no reason.”

”I know.” Betty answered. “Did Connie tell you she called him Banana Nose?  His daddy told him to do that when kids call him that. He has to stick up for himself.”

Mother was mortified.  “Connie, did you call Ralphie Banana Nose?  You know better than that!  No wonder he hit you!  You tell hm you’re sorry, right now.”

Connie was in it, deep. “I’m sorry, Ralphie.”

Hastily, Mother made her goodbyes, heading home to eat crow.

Connie learned not to call names that day.  Mother learned not to believe a kid who “didn’t do nothing.”

 

 

 

Tea with Ralphie and Barbie

Connie’s first grade class picture.  Connie sits directly in front of the teacher.  Mother made her dress.

Ralphie’s mom had coffee with Mother several mornings a week.  A quirky little guy, he played happily with Connie and Marilyn in their bedroom.  Mother never let them shut the bedroom door.  She still hadn’t gotten over my brother poking holes in Barbie’s nipples with a straight pin.  One morning, Mother heard the door shut.  She left her coffee and opened the door.  “Leave the door open.  It’ll get too hot in here.”  Ralphie was digging happily in the toy box, obviously in pursuit of some prize.  In just a minute, Mother heard the door shut again.  Leaving her coffee, she opened the bedroom  again.  Barbie dolls, clothes, and accessories were spread all around.  Hurriedly, Ralphie hid a half-dressed Barbie behind his back.  “Leave the door open.  It’s hot in here.”

”I want the door shut,” said Ralphie.  “I’m cold.”

Realizing Ralphie hadn’t wanted to be seen playing Barbie, Mother answered.  “Tell you what, kids.  Bring your Barbies and tea set in the living room and I’ll make you some KoolAid.  We’ll all have a tea party.”  The kids gathered up their toys and set up in the living room at their mama’s feet.  Ever after, when Ralphie came to play Barbie, they all had a tea party in the living room with the ladies.

Monday Funnies…

Three of the Deadlies

Tragically, three pastors and their wives were killed in a crash on the way home from a conference.  They found themselves standing before Saint Peter.  Saint Peter addressed the first pastor as he looked in his book.

“Well, I see here you lived a pretty good life.  You worked hard for your church.  You were faithful, but there’s one thing I need to look into further.  Your love of money got in your way.  In fact, you loved money so much you even married a woman named Penny.  Just have a seat over there while I do a little more checking.”

The second pastor came forward.  Saint Peter addressed him.  “You were a faithful pastor.  You served well except for one flaw.  Your love of alcohol caused you some problems.  You loved alcohol so much, you even married a woman named Sherry.  Have a seat over there while I do some balancing.”

The third pastor turned to his wife.  “Come on Fanny.  There’s no use in us even getting in line.”

Mother, You Need Shoes — Art by Rob Goldstein

I would not have noticed her had the subway car not cleared of people at Lexington Avenue. She removed a tattered stocking cap and stuffed it into a grimy army jacket. She held a smudged white bag between her legs. She reached into it and pulled out half a doughnut. That was when I noticed […]

via Mother, You Need Shoes — Art by Rob Goldstein

Be kind.

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Have they lost their mind?

jilldennison's avatarFilosofa's Word

Okay, folks … I want you to be sure that you are sitting down for this one.  Sitting?  Good.  Now, take your left hand and firmly cup your jaw so that it cannot fall to the floor.  Ready?

Facebook had plans to take health records – such as a patient’s age, prescriptions and number of hospital visits – and link it to their Facebook data. Facebook had already approached hospitals and health organizations with the idea, touting that it could (somehow?) help improve patient care.  “For example, the Facebook data might reveal that a patient did not have many friends or did not receive many messages, so might need a nurse to visit them at home. It might also reveal that a patient did not speak English as their first language, which would help the hospital plan the person’s care.”  Pardon, but wouldn’t the hospital already be aware that…

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Sunday Jokes

Latest from the Church Pews News

Tonight’s sermon: ‘What is hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday, at 4pm, there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk come early.
Thursday, at 5pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please meet with the vicar in his office.

Five Funny Signs Spotted In Sunday RestaurantsSunday Jokes

At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation:

Eat here and get gas.

At a Sante Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New Hampshire jewellery store: Ears pierced while you wait.

Free jokes courtesy of Will and Guy

 

The Sad Saga of Door to Door Sales Part 3

IMAGE COURTESY OF PIXABAY

Reading is as essential as breathing to me.  Imagine my joy when a salesman knocked on the door selling books!  The Book of Knowlege to be exact!  He even involved us children in the act, demonstrating its beauty and seducing us further by reading us “The Tale of Rumplestilskin.” The kids were sold, but alas, we had no buying power.  I would have gladly traded one of my siblings for that set of books, but the salesman wasn’t interested.  Daddy was not a reader, but the image of smart children hooked him, coupled with his proclivity for buying in that manner.  He did want his children to succeed.  Guess what!   This entire compendium only cost three-hundred dollars!  That must have been the going rate for door to door sales back in the fifties.  Daddy went for the whole deal:  The Book of Knowlege, Grolier’s Encyclopedia, Lands and Peoples and the dictionaries.  One fine day, box after box of books arrived.  We were giddy with joy, but Mother made us wait till Daddy got in so he could open them.  Solemnly, he took each volume out and stacked the sets on the floor beside the empty boxes.  He thumbed through a few volumes, before handing each one on to Mother to peruse.  It was like church.

Then we got the talk.  We were never to touch the books without washing our hands.  Volumes were to be returned to the shelf, IN ORDER, immediately after use.  Volumes were no to leave the living room.  Never eat or drink with a book.  These books were not to be treated as toys.  The books belonged to the whole family and treated with respect.  We were not to behave in our usual heathenish manner around these books, very good advice, indeed.

I loved those books and spent endless hours emmersed in their pages.  I particularly loved the stories they told.  I was disappointed to learn “The World Book” was preferred by my teachers, but “Grolier’s Encyclopdia” sufficed.  I particularly enjoyed the images of the naked people in “Lands and Peoples” when I could be sure of privacy.  Equally pleasurable were the classical nude statues portrayed in “Groliers,” though the fig leaves confused me.  I’d sneaked a peek at a few naked baby boys who didn’t look anything like that.

I was sharing all this with a family acquaintance and he added his own sad story.  His father sold insurance door to door.  When the encyclopedia man came calling, they worked out a deal.  Each purchased from the other, so both would benefit.  My friend and his brothers enjoyed their books, just as we had.  Sadly, neither man was able to make payments. The insurance policy was dropped and one sad day, someone came to repossess the lovely books.  I can only imagine the heartbreak those children endured.