Smorgasbord Reblog – Eating Chocolate – A companion piece to Coffee by Paul Andruss

The Sad Saga of Door to Door Sales Part 2

The purchase of waterless cookware deserves more attention in view of the problems it caused.  The actual door the salesman knocked on was not ours.  It was my Uncle Parnell’s where we’d spent a couple of days .  That morning, we were to journey on to my maternal grandmother’s, a trip Daddy had put off as long as possible.  While he would have never given in to his impulse to shoot Grandma, I don’t think Daddy would’ve grieved too deeply had he backed over her.  At any rate, I’m sure that salesman was thrilled.  The spiel went on for hours.  Daddy would talk to anyone who’d listen, determined to ferret out a shared acquaintance.  Eventually, the salesman caught on and acknowledged a nebulous connection, realizing the sale hung on it.  Daddy bought that damned cookware, a three-hundred -seventy-five dollar purchase, at a time when his net pay was a bit over a hundred a week.  Mother was furious, first at the delay in leaving for Grandma’s, then at the outrageous purchase, not knowing the full disaster that was about to befall.

The salesman, who we forever afterward referred to as Mr. Pots, told Daddy Mother should launch a career selling waterless cookware, an idea Daddy quickly seconded.  He’d always felt Mother could contribute more if she’d just “get organized.”  She had nothing but leisure with five children, house and farm chores which included milking a cow, gardening, and food preservation.  In her spare time, she sewed everything she and the girls wore.  I don’t know why he’d put up with her laziness that long.

Mother hit the ceiling.  “I am not selling that mess!”  Her rotten attitude dashed no one’s hopes.  The upshot was, Daddy invited Mr. Pots to come stay with us for a week or so and induct Mother into sales.  Mr. Pots eagerly accepted, glad to find a man who could bully his wife  lining his own pockets.

A week later, Mr. Pots showed up, laden with Daddy’s cookware.  Daddy was appalled and embarrassed that Mother stuck to her guns, after he’d set this up for her benefit.  Mr. Pots moved into my unfortunate brother’s room.  Daddy gave Mr. Pots a list of possible victims and Mr. Pots was off, without Mother as his protege.  There wasn’t a lot of warmth in our home that week.  Daddy was furious he hadn’t been able to force Mother into sales.  She’d failed him.  Mother was was enraged that Daddy had once again proved himself an insensitive ass.

Everyone was glad to see the last of Mr. Pots.  Eventually, the cookware was paid off.

Wedged in

Our American Eskimo Dog, Buzzy, is terrified of storms.  We had a couple of hours of noisy thunderstorms just now and Buzzy was trembling, hyperventilating, and crying.  I couldn’t comfort him.  When I got off the sofa for a minute, Buzzy dived for my spot.  He wedged in when I got back, refusing to move.  He was greatly comforted, blanketed in tightly between Mother and me.  He tolerated the rest of the storm quiet well, despite the thunder and lightning.  He finally went on to sleep.  As you can see, Mother was also terrified by the storm.

Buzzy was mentored in storm terror by Sissy, our dog who was two years older.  He wasn’t afraid as a small puppy, but Sissy showed him the ropes.  Sissy was well-trained by her predecessor, Bubba.  Bubba wasn’t afraid till he stayed with my sister while we were on vacation.  Lightning blasted her house and blew a lot of brick off.  The sound must have been horrendous!  He was terrified forever and made sure to pass it on.  Thanks, Buzzy.  Your legacy lives on.

All better.

The Sad Saga of Door to Door Sales

Daddy would buy anything sold door to door.  He probably would have bought a helicopter had a salesman shown up and offered one on a no-money-down, three-year-payment plan.  He bought waterless cookware.  It was supposed to cut cooking time, save money and increase Mother’s effiency. He was all for anything that made Mother more organized. I guess it never occurred to him a string of babies and unending farm and house work might be a factor.

When the vacuum salesman came around, Daddy didn’t feel he could afford the new model, so he bargained for the used model the salesman had taken in trade on his rounds that morning.  The purchase probably saved the guy a trip to the dump. The salesman jimmied with it enough to get it running that day, but it never started again.  I don’t believe that helped Mother’s organization or her attitude a bit.  The good news was, the salesman took five dollars cash, and Mother was to send payments afterwards.  The good news was, Mother never sent a payment, which meant the guy only beat them out of five bucks.

We also had the only house distinguished by lightning rods on the roof.  The theory was, the lightning would strike the rod, rather than the roof.  The charge was to follow  a metal cable downward, where it would be grounded.  The lightning rods might have been an the answer to a prayer had Daddy not bought a remote-controlled television antenna which  was probably twenty feet taller than the model that came with the TV from the next guy who knocked on the door.  He enjoyed trying to find the best reception for a month or two until the antenna was struck by lightening.  The charge ran down the wire, melted a hole in metal TV case and fried the vacuum tubes.  Sadly, it also blew out the works in the beautiful ship lamp that came with the TV and melted its lovely red cellophane windows.  I was kind of glad when the antenna motor blew out since Daddy spent a lot of time adjusting it, limiting our viewing pleasure. We were frequently sent outdoors a lot to let him know if it was moving while he adjusted.  I never could tell when it moved, so I just gave random answers.  I don’t know why it gave him so much trouble.

 

to be continued

The Great Buttocolypse and the creation of “John Stomas”

What a woman! My niece, Natalie!

Nataliemccarty's avatarNataliesJourney

They say “If you can’t laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at”? I’m not quite sure who “They” are but I’m pretty sure I’ve heard it said a million times. I would like to give my entire family and extended family credit for the humor flowing through my veins. Especially in the most difficult of times. Humor has always been my family’s go to coping mechanism in any circumstance. Usually, at the most inappropriate times, but I guess that all depends on who is deeming the moment inappropriate.

As you can see from the title, there’s a story here, mixed with that morbid humor that I can’t seem to avoid in any situation. I am going to share one of my most vulnerable and life altering moments with you. I hope that by sharing this I can help at least one person get through a health issue that they…

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Ralphie Gets Tripped Up

imageDaddy got another phone call from Ralphie, the kid down the road.

“Mr. Bill?”

“Hey, Ralphie. What’s going on?”

“I wrote a poem at school and won a contest.” (On his last phone call, Ralphie had reported making all D’s and F’s and having the papers to prove it)

“Well, that’s great, Ralphie! I’m glad you’re doing better at school.”

“I won first at my school, then at district. But when they took it to state, the judge said it came out of World Book and they threw it out.”

“Well, why did they do that?

“Because it came out of World Book. Bye”

Like a Pig in Slop

lbeth1950's avatarNutsrok

pig in slopRalphy was a quirky kid who lived just down the road from us.  When he was eight or nine, he’d call on the phone, asking to speak to Daddy.  We were always interested in hearing what he had to say.

“Mr. Bill?”

“Yeah, what’s on your mind today, Ralphy?”

“My mama just bought some of that new White Cloud Bathroom Tissue.  You should come try it!  Bye.”

Another call:

“Mr. Bill?”

“Yeah, Ralphy.  How are you today?”

“Fine.  I just got my report card.  I had all D’s and F’s.”

“No, Ralphy!  Surely not!”

“Yep, and I’ve got the papers to prove it!  Bye!”

Next call:

“Mr. Bill?”

“Hey, Ralphy.  What’s going on?”

“I wrote a poem in school today.  Want to hear it?”

“Why sure!”

“Rabbits love cribbage and cabbage.

Pigs love slibbage and slobbage.”

“That’s good, Ralphy.  What did you make on it?”

“An F.  It was supposed…

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Monday Funnies… — Chris The Story Reading Ape’s Blog

via Monday Funnies… — Chris The Story Reading Ape’s Blog

Burn Baby, Burn

Sometimes Bud can be difficult.  One lovely day, we both headed outdoors.  I had my work.  He had his.  I busied myself, digging, shoveling sand, putting out flagstones. Meanwhile, he pottered about at some uninteresting task of his own, never even asking if I needed help. After putting the last touches  on my patio, I went for the water hose.  I felt smug at finding it stretched across the backyard, since he’s always after me about winding it back up, barely letting me finish what I’m doing. Nevertheless, I pulled it back around to my new flower bed.  Bud had even left the water on, just shut off by the adapter.  That wasn’t like him at all.  I’d have to mention it when I got through.

It wasn’t long before Bud tore around the corner yanking the hose, clearly in a panic. Rudely, he grabbed the hose and took off, not even asking whether I was finished. I followed and found him spraying a pile burning yard refuse that had almost gotten away from him. It turns out, he’d had the water hose nearby just in case and hadn’t noticed when me taking it when he’d turned away to pile on more brush. Fortunately, he got the blaze under control. Unfortunately, not before it consumed the nice sweeper he’d disconnected from his tractor and left near the pile. He’s much more careful with the new one he bought to replace it and thoughtfully tells me when he’s about to burn, now.

My project certainly turned out better than his.