A woman visited the psychiatrist. “I think I’m a nymphomaniac.”
“Well,” said the psychiatrist. “Before we start, I have to tell you my fee is eighty dollars an hour.”
“How much for all night?” she asked.
memoir
Worst Sandwich, Ever
Long, long ago when I was a but child-bride, I yearned to please my handsome husband so I dreamed of concocting hearty breakfasts, luscious lunches, and delightful dinners. This wasn’t to be. We had wisely married while still in college so were in possession of two things money couldn’t buy, abject poverty and true love. We were just scraping by. After about two weeks, about all we had left in the refrigerator was a half-loaf of bread, mustard, a couple of lonely, frozen chicken gizzards, and an old, dry sliver of cheddar cheese. I fried those chicken gizzards up nice and hard, sliced them as thin as possible, added the slivered cheddar cheese and sat down with My Darling to enjoy the amazing delicacy. It was the worst thing I ever tried to eat. The piquant taste of overdone gizzard slathered with mustard was not a good companion taste for the dried out cheddar cheese. I was never tempted to try that combo again.
Charley’s Tale Part 21
Bobby scooped up an empty can for worms as they headed for the manure pile back of the barn. The fat, pink earthworms frantically tried to tunnel deeper into their happy home as the boys plucked them out with their bare hands.
“Wouldn’t you hate to be a worm and have to live in …”laughed Charley. “ I wonder if horse, cow, chicken, or hog …..is the best.”
“Judging by the smell, hog ….. must be the best. Flies just love that stuff. They act like it’s dinner on the grounds. They flies right by cow pies and horse flop to git to it. I hope I don’t ever wake up an’ find out I’m a fly,” remarked Freddy as they picked up worms.
”How ‘bout being a worm? You’d have to live in it and eat it.” Charley reminded him. “And the fish just gobble up them nasty worms like they was fried chicken.”
”Then we eat the fish that loves them nasty worms. I guess folks ain’t the pickiest, neither. Look how Daddy saves up this manure for his garden, just like it’s pure gold. It don’t make no sense, does it? Seems like it’d save time to learn to like manure,” Freddy quipped.
””You go ahead. I’m gonna try for some fish,” said Charley. “Look, the cats beat us down here. and got our fishing spot.” Bubbles and her half-grown kittens lay on their bellies on a wide log extending into the deeper water. All three lay flat on their bellies. Bubbles lay with a paw stretched out peering intently into the still water. Seconds later, she adroitly dipped down, scooping up a minnow. She batted the flopping fish a time or two before the kittens jumped on it. In typical cat manner, the kittens tussled with it till they got all the good out of it, finally chowing down when it gave up the ghost. Bubbles seemed pleased when they both stretched out with a paw extended over the water. She let them try a time or two before snagging another minnow for herself, just to show them how it was done. When one of the kittens lost interest and tried to walk off, Bubbles cuffed him back to his lesson.
“Would you look at that!” Charley laughed. It’s just like they was in fishing school.”
”Yeah, farm cats have to earn their own livin’. If you feed’em good an’ let ‘em lay up in the house, they might not learn to hunt. They keep the snakes and rats down real good. Bubbles was raised outside, but Mama lets her come and go, now, as she pleases. We don’t never have to worry ‘bout no mouse turds in our sugar. Bubbles is a good cat. She just works for a little cream.” Freddy told Charley.
Charley’s Tale Part 20
The heavy meal in the heat of the day soon had them all nodding. Bessie stacked the dishes and put them in steaming water to soak. Covering the leftovers with a cotton tablecloth she left them for a cold supper. No woman heated the house up in the late afternoon by building another fire in the stove. Enough is enough! “You menfolk can find you a cool spot and catch a little snooze. I’m gonna lay on my bed awhile. Freddy, you got to git Miss Cora’s hen took care of before Dr. Charles is ready to go. I don’t mean for you to keep ‘im waiting. Be sure you take her a good piece outback of the chicken yard. I don’t want my layers upset.” Hanging her apron on the icebox door handle, she went to the bedroom just off the kitchen, lowerdnthe shades a bit, and hung her cotton house dress before an open window to air. After dusting herself with scented talcum and folding the quilt back, she slipped under the sheet. A lazy breeze ruffled her dress against the window shade, giving the illusion of cool. Knowing they couldn’t be seen from the road, Robert and Charles stripped down to their undershirts to take their ease in wooden rocking chairs in the deep shade of the front porch, chatting till first one, then the other nodded off. Bobby went home to rest till they were ready to go back to work.
“Come on Charley. I ain’t layin’ around takin’ no nap with the old folks. I better git that chicken took care of.” Freddy said, leading Charley to a coop In the chickenyard. Charley had seen chickens “took care of” many times, but still found it macabrely fascinating. The suspicious hen puffed her plumage, pecked Freddy’s hand and threatened him with a scratchy “brock, brock, brock!” Unperturbed by the promised violence, Freddy grabbed her legs and pulled her out to meet her maker.
Ignoring his mother’s instructions to “git her away from the chickenyard before you kill her,” Freddy did the job on the spot, grasping the luckless hen firmly by the neck and giving her body a whirl, snapping her neck, instantly. When he dropped her, the poor hen’s brain hadn’t gotten the message yet. She made a few wild circles around the chicken yard in a bizarre dance with death, terrifying the sisterhood. A necrophiliac rooster jumped her, enticed by her sensual moves. The squawking hens fled, a couple escaping over the fence, into the trees. “Mama ain’t gonna be happy about them hens running loose. I’ll be pluckin’ ‘em out of the trees once the sun goes down. This ain’t good.”
Eventually, they got back to work on the hen. Freddy chopped off her head and plunged her in the black washpot full of boiling water. They plucked her clean before delivering her to Bessie.
”I seen my hens up in them trees. You kilt that hen right slap-dab in the middle of ‘em, didn’t you? I bet half of ‘em ain’t gonna lay tomorrow. If I run short a’eggs, you gonna be the one doin’ without. I swear, when you git grown, I’m gonna come to your house an’ scare your hens out of layin’. Just git on out’a here. I knows you wantin’ To slip off fishin.” Bessie grumbled on as the boys grabbed the gear.
My Favorite Joke
The crowds had been packing the traveling tent revival every night that week, grateful offerings filling the pockets of the evangelist. Cure after cure was enacted in the sweltering heat of those July evenings. Emotions were at an all time high on the last night as the last two afflicted souls reached the evangelist at the front of the tent.
Struggling up the steps on her crutches poor Mrs. Smith hobbled up to the evangelist. “Heal me! I haven’t been able to walk without crutches in twenty years.”
“Yes, Sister! You will be healed! Go behind that curtain and wait with the others waiting for healing.” Mrs. Smith slowly and painfully made her way behind the curtain.
Johnny Jones was the last in line. “I have a lifth. It hath made my life awful. Pleath heal me of my lifth!”
“Yes, Brother! You will be healed! Go behind the curtain…
View original post 131 more words
Warm Welcome
The best part of being a nurse was getting to know the patients. Most days brought a surprise. Late one afternoon I was hurrying to return a patient to his room after a treatment. I helped him into his chair, wrapped him in a blanket, and zipped down the hall. As always, I was in a bit of a hurry to get home to my children. I wheeled him into what I thought was his room only to find the bed already occupied by a little old lady. “Oh excuse me Ma’am. Wrong room!” I apologized.
“Just bring him right on in, Honey. I’ve been here quite a while!” We all got a good laugh out of that.
Hint for anyone in hospital. Always ask that your wheelchair seat be covered and be wrapped in a blanket when you leave your room. Wheel chair seats can be soiled and those halls get cold.
Oldies but Goodies
An older couple came out of a cafe on morning to find a police officer putting a ticket on a car whose meter had expired. Irate the man accosted him, “You Nazi Turd! Don’t you have any respect for yor elders.” The officer coolly wrote a second ticket for worn tires.
His wife jumped in, “You dog, if you didn’t have on that uniform, you wouldn’t have the nerve to face a real man.”
The insults continued on for several minutes, with the officer writing several more tickets till a bus pulled up to the corner and the elderly couple boarded.
Sometimes it’s good to be thought senile.
An Old couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
Theiy’d married as childhood sweethearts and had
moved back to their old neighbourhood after retirement.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
I t was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk
they’d shared where Andy had carved ‘I love you, Sally.’
On their way back home, an armored truck whizzed by and a bag of money fell out, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure
what to do with it, the two took it home.
There, she counted the money:
fifty-thousand dollars!
Andy said, ‘We’ve got to give it back.’
Sally said, ‘Finders keepers.’
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood
looking for the money and knocked on the door.
‘Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag
that fell out of an armored car yesterday?’
Sally said, ‘No.’
Andy said, ‘She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.’
Sally said, ‘Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.’
The agents turn to Andy and questioned him.
One says: ‘Tell us the story from the beginning’
Andy said, ‘Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ..’
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, ‘We’re outta here.’
Advertisements from long, long ago — relationship savers edition — bluebird of bitterness
Doctor Jokes
“Doctor, doctor! Come quick. Little Johnny just swallowed a razor-blade.”
“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?”
“Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”
“Doctor, doctor, You’ve got to help me! I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”
“Uh oh! Do you drink a lot?”
“I try, but I spill most of it!”
“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course…”
“Great! I never could before!”
A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are five minutes apart!”
“Calm down. Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”
Nutsrok 