memoir

Dear Auntie Linda, October 2, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I am sixty-four and just found out I have terminal cancer. I am currently having chemotherapy and radiation.  My daughter’s parental rights have been terminated since she is in  prison for life without parole.  I have adopted her eleven-month-old son.  She expects to deliver her second in three months.  I was planning to take this child as well, but now know I won’t live to raise either.  It breaks my heart, but I need to find a home for them together. They won’t have any family left when I am gone and they’ll need each other.  I don’t want them to end up in the foster care system. Where do I start? Loving Grandma

Dear Loving, What a heart-breaking story.  I am so sorry.  Since you are currently going through chemotherapy, you must be in a clinical setting. Discuss this with the social worker.  He or she should be able to point you in the right direction. Your doctor or minister should be able to help as well.  I know there have to be people who would welcome two little ones into their homes.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I am fourteen years old, a cheerleader, an excellent student, and very popular.  I was voted the cutest in the Freshman Class and Christmas Festival Princess.  The problem is my parents.  They are good people and I love them, but wish they looked and dressed better.  My mom ties her hair back in a ponytail and wears clothes off the discount rack at the store where she works.  My dad has a big gut and hasn’t had a decent haircut in years.  My dad has to present me at the Spring Festival, and I know I will be embarrassed.  How can I tactfully ask them to dress better or not to come?  Cute and Smart

Dear Cute and Smart,  Try this.  “Mom and Dad, I know you spend everything you can scrape together to support me being a cheerleader, school activities, and social activities, but that is not enough.  I want you to somehow reinvent yourselves because I am ashamed to be seen in public with you.  I am a very important person, the center of my world, and you’ll never be able to do enough for me.  If you can’t look and act like I want you to, I wish you’d try to stay out of the way.  I know you put some effort into raising me, but compared to the embarrassment I’d suffer if you made me look bad in front of my friends, I appreciate it if you’d continue to make sure I have everything I could ever want, since I deserve the best.”  You might try reading this aloud to an adult you admire and trust to make sure you get everything just right before you tell your parents.  They might have a little feedback for you.  Auntie Linda

Afternoon Funny

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn’t care.” The second Englishman remarked, “You just don’t know how to set him off…watch and learn.” So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!”

“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right. He’s unshakable!”

The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I’ll really tick him off… just watch.” So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!”

“Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”

pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks down and says “You know that you have a steering wheel in your pants”
The pirate replies “Ay, it’s drivin’ me nuts”

What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a Tupperware party?

A: They’re both out looking for a tight seal.

At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, “Midnight, just like I said.”

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, “Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said ‘Shit!,’ cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling.”

An Irishman named O’Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O’Malley in the eye, and said, “I’ve some bad news for you.
You have cancer, and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month to live.”

O’Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O’Malley said, “Well son, we Irish
celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer,  and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O’Malley’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O’Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told
his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends gave O’Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O’Malley’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion. “Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”

O’Malley said, “I am dying of cancer, son. I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”

Office Wisdom

 


 Eagles may soar high, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

There may be no ‘I’ in team, but there’s a ‘ME’ if you look hard enough.

Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.

Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow.

Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a LOSER!

Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency – welcome to a day in the average office.

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would Chuck Norris handle this?”

If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven’t understood the seriousness of the situation.

If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you’re trying to get them fired.

If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’. But then there’s no ‘I’ in ‘useless smug colleague’, either. And there’s four in ‘platitude-quoting idiot’. Go figure.

Joke of the Day

The Blonde and the Final Exam

A blonde reported for her university final examination which consists
of “yes/no” type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and
marking the answer sheet “Yes” for Heads and “No” for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating
it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the
coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

The blonde replies, “I finished the exam in half an hour, but I’m rechecking
the answers”.

Old Man McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

“S’cuse me,” said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. “What was that all about?”

“Nothing,” said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.”

Paddy O’Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”

An Irishman and his wife entered the dentist’s office.
“I want a tooth pulled, ” the man said. “We are in a big hurry to get to the pub, so don’t fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff.”
“You are a very brave man,” remarked the dentist. “Which tooth is it?”
“Show him your bad tooth, honey,” said the man to his wife.

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
“Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.
“Well, she spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said the Irishman.

Two Irishmen are walking up a hill and they see a head roll by them. The first Irishman says “Wasn’t that old Paddy O’Tool? The second Irishman says “I thought he was taller than that!”

Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid

 

A few clowns short of a circus.
 *
A few fries short of a happy meal.
 *
The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
 *
All foam, no beer.
 *
The butter has slipped off his/her pancake.
 *
The cheese slid off his/her cracker.
 *
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
 *
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
 *
Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
 *

He/She fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
 *
As smart as bait.
 *
Doesn’t have all his/her dogs on one leash.
 *
His/Her sewing machine’s out of thread.
 *
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
 *
His/Her antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
 *
His/Her belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
 *
Receiver is off the hook.
 *
Not wired to code.
 *
Skylight leaks a little.
 *
His/Her slinky’s kinked.
 *
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
 *
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
 *
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.
 *
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
 *
Is so dense, light bends around him/her.
 *
If brains were taxed, he’d/she’d get a rebate.
 *
Standing close to him/her, you can hear the ocean.
 *
Some folks drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he/she just gargled

Momma’s View 21 Days of Inspiration

image

Oh, to have the wisdom to fill

my wings at the precipice

fearlessly taking the leap,

trusting I will soar!

Evening Chuckle

Brian walked into work and saw his coworker looking particularly sour. “Hey what’s wrong buddy?” His friend looked up with a forlorn expression on his face. “You remember last month how my Grandmother’s sister passed on and left me $2,000?”

“Yes,” said Brian nodding his head.

“And you remember how the month before that her brother passed on and left me $5000?

“Uh huh” said Brian again.

“Well this month is almost over,” said the coworker with a wave of his hand “and………………..NOTHING!”

Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”

“I sure do” Grandpa replied. “What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”

“How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”

“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”

“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”

“Huh?” Questioned Grandpa. “Why’s that?”

“Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”

Jim grabbed his suitcase off the luggage carousel and headed outside to hail a taxi. A taxi promptly picked him up and they were on there way. Twenty minutes into the ride Jim had a question for the taxi driver, “Excuse me sir” said Jim tapping the driver on the shoulder. “AHHHH
HHH” screamed the taxi driver swerving the taxi across three lanes of traffic finally stopping the car on the opposite shoulder. “What the heck was that all about?” demanded Jim thoroughly shaken. “I’m sorry,” said the taxi driver, wiping his brow, “this is my first day on the job, I’ve been driving a hearse for the last fifty years!”

Afternoon Funny

cannibal cartoon sThe cannibal king was having dinner when a servant came running in. “Your Majesty,” he said, “the slaves are revolting!” “You don’t have to tell me,” said the king. “I’m trying to eat them. “Where did we get these slaves anyway?” “From the country next door,” replied the servant. “We must get a new butcher,” said the king. “Bring me Delia Smith.” “We can’t, Your Majesty, she’s still cooking for you.” “Well, bring her to me once she’s crispy enough,” said the king.

A man is captured by cannibals, every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food.Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, “Hey, you can kill me or you can eat me, but I’m tired of getting stuck for drinks!”

Cannibals cooking clowns - 'I don't know... it tastes funny!'

Cannibals cooking clowns – ‘I don’t know… it tastes funny!’

 

Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other, ‘I don’t like your friend.’ The other one replied, ‘Well put her to one side and just eat the greens.’

'Sorry, but it's hard to get good people these days.'

Two cannibals were having lunch. ‘Your girlfriend makes a great soup,’ said one to the other. ‘Yes!’ agreed the first. ‘But, I’m going to miss her terribly.’

Ask Auntie Linda, October 1, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I am seventy-four years old, and a widow of moderate means.  My only child, a daughter is an English Professor at a well-known university in California.  She is divorced with three children.  Her ex-husband is wealthy, but will only pay the legally required child-support.  She makes a good income, but is constantly in need of money for any extras the children require, like private school, or summer camp.  She has a lovely home (for which I gave her the down payment) and has invited me to move out and live with them, but I don’t want to be a live-in nanny.  She and the children visit for a couple of weeks twice a year now and by the time they leave, I am exhausted from babysitting since she goes out with friends most afternoons and doesn’t usually get home till after midnight.  The children are lovely, but they wear me out.  I give her ten-thousand dollars a year now since she will inherit everything I have someday anyway, but I am starting to worry that I will run out of money if I live more than fifteen more years.  I feel bad telling her “no” since she is my only heir.  How do I make her understand I am worried about my finances without offending her?  The Bank

Dear Bank, You are helping your daughter live a very cushy lifestyle.  If you never gave her another penny, you have been extremely generous.  Feel free to give her what you choose and draw the line where you need to.  She probably thinks you have money to burn.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My siblings and I were raised the same. Of the seven of us, only two are law-abiding citizens.  The other five are drug and alcohol-addicted and frequently incarcerated.  Though I care about them, I have chosen to have no association with them, due to being victimized time after time.  One brother and I stay in touch, and avoid the rest like the plague.  We each moved out of state to build lives where we weren’t known, at the first opportunity, cutting ties with everyone but each other.  A sister has reached out to me now, though I don’t know how she got my number, wanting me to “take me in and help me get a new start.”  I don’t want to see her and can’t afford to help her unless I take her in which I am not willing to do.  Is this a horrible thing to do?  Burned

Dear Burned,  No.  People who want to change their ways and rebuild their lives can find a way to do it.  “Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!”