A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the
Gorgeous A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. “I The second one in line hears this and says “I want to be gorgeous too.” Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says…… “Make ’em all ugly again” The Good Deed A guy just died and he’s at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘Yeah, there was this one time St. Peter, impressed, says, ‘Really? When did this happen?’ How Do You Spell…? A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, To which the woman replied, “Not yet. You must spell a word “What word?” he asked.
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memoir
15 Dog Breeds That Didn’t Catch On
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end
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Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
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Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
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Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
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Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
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Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
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Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
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Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
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Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
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Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
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Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by…oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway
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Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work with you
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Bloodhound + Borzoi
Bloody Bore, a dog that’s not much fun
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Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
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Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Hounds on a Picnic
Mother had been frying chicken and making potato salad all morning in preparation for our picnic with Christine who was high-spirited and laughed all the time, making any occasion a party. She left her chocolate cake and deviled eggs in an open box on the back seat of her car when she parked in our drive. We made several trips loading the goodies. Christine got the car packed to her satisfaction, then decided to run her little girls back in for one last bathroom stop. Forgetting we had dogs, she left the back car door standing open, a fatal mistake.
Ecstatically, five or six hounds bounded into the backseat, snarling and falling on the the chocolate cake and fried chicken laid out so enticingly for their benefit. Hearing the dogfight in progress, we all flew out of the house to see chocolate-covered dogs fighting tooth and nail for the remains of the feast. Christine beat us all to the car, cursing and flogging dogs, thinking there might be something left to rescue. Reluctant as they were, faced with a kicking, cursing wild-woman, the dogs grabbed whatever was in reach and ran for their lives.
The car was coated in chocolate and deviled egg-filling, littered with chicken scraps, and a monumental pile of dog-poop one of the dogs left as a thank you. Mother came out to find Christine kicking at a dog hoping slip in for seconds. She collapsed into gales of laughter at Christine’s enraged antics. Fortunately, Christine saw the humor in the situation, too. We cleaned up the car, went by the hamburger joint for burgers, and went on our picnic. It was more fun than I’d even hoped.
Homemade Liverwurst Recipe
1.25 lbs liver frozen and cut into 1″ cubes. (Can be pork, beef, chicken or any combination)
1/2 lb beef tongue or pork shoulder frozen and cut into 1″cubes
3/4 lb fat(I added butter or margarine to make enough fat)
3 tsps table salt
1 1/2 tsp sugar
1/2 onion +1 TBS oil, grated and cooked till soft and golden
1/4 tsp ground cardamom
1/2 tsp ground ginger
1/4 tsp ground mace
2 tsps dried marjoram
1/4 tsp ground coriander, optional
1 1/2 tsp freshly ground black pepper
1 TBS crushed garlic
I TBS ground sage
Grind chilled, raw meats together.
Mix in sauteed onion, garlic and spices.
Grind again.
If you want to use as spread, cook mixture until 160 degrees and store in covered container for up to 5 days. Will be dark brownish, gray mix.
Or
Can stuff into casings(may have to add 1/2 cup ice water to get proper consistency to press into casings) Can smoke 1 1/2 hours to get temp to 160 degrees interior. To have fresh, grill or pan cook. Unsmoked sausages will keep up to 5 days.
Or
Bake in loaf pan at 350 degrees till internal temp of 160. Slice when cooled and use within 5 days.
I double or triple amounts depending on amount of meat I have. Works great.
We started making all our own sausage to avoid nitrites. It is much cheaper and more delicious.
Evening Chuckle
Okay, so a Texan rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine. The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, “Say, how much land you think you got here?” Mainer: ‘Bout 10 acres I’d say.” Texan (boasting): Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!” Mainer: “Yep, I got one of them trucks too.”
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor.
After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, “At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day.”
“Can’t”, replied the farmer. “At night I haul water for the hole.”
After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, “At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day.”
“Can’t”, replied the farmer. “At night I haul water for the hole.”
A man’s car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. “Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh! I would not listen to Bessie,” said the farmer. “She does not know anything about cars.”
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh! I would not listen to Bessie,” said the farmer. “She does not know anything about cars.”
Sandy McTavish had an old friend, Jock Murdock, who was quite ill. Sandy came to visit and Jock said, “Sandy, I’ve only a short time to live, I’m on my death bed lad.” Sandy knew that and in a non-committal way he said, “Aye, that a’ know old friend.” Jock turned to Sandy and said, “Sandy, de ye nay ken that old bottle of Scotch that I hae been saving ah these years.” Sandy, an aficionado, was immediately attentive and said, “Aye Jock, that I do.” Jock said, “ye are guid friend and when I’ve passed I would have yee pour that Scotch on ma grave.” Sandy was profoundly moved for his own reasons. After considering Jocks request for an agonizing period he brightened, turned to Jock. “Aye- aye Jock I’ll de that for an old friend, but ye wouldna mind if I put it through my kidneys first.”
Joke of the Day
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the man, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below responded, “You must be a manager.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “how did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”
The man below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the man, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below responded, “You must be a manager.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “how did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Flowers.” “That’s right,” the boy said, but how did you know “Oh, just a wild guess,” she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.” “That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl. “Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. “Is it wine?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. “Is it champagne?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, “I give up, what is it?” With great glee, the boy replied, “It’s a puppy!” SURPRISE!
Haven’t verified this on Snopes but it sounds legit.
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I Love This Job (Lost Dr. Seuss Poem) anonymous author
| I Love My Job! |
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The Lost Dr Seuss Poem
I love my office and its location, I think my job is really swell,
I love my computer and its software; I’m happy to be here. I am. I am.
I love my job – I’ll say it again – |
Ghastly Wound
My elderly mother had her foot on a stool the other evening when I noticed what appeared to be a ghastly wound. I flew over to inspect it when she started laughing. She had laid an elastic strip across the insole of the shoe and colored it with shoe polish, which later rubbed off on her foot, creating the wound impression. Before you feel sorry for her, you should know she probably has twenty pairs of shoes, most in boxes.
Joke of the Day
A gorgeous blonde walked up to the roulette table, slapped down twenty-thousand dollars . Turned to the attendants and said, “I hope you don’t’ mind if I strip down. I have better luck when I’m nude.” She stripped down, to the guys eye-dropping amazement. “Seventeen!” She said and spun.
They stared, slack-jawed.
“I won! I won!” She shouted, jumping up and down in an incredible show! She picked up all the chips and her clothes, and walked off, hips swinging.
When they regained their composure, one guy asked the other, “Did she really roll seventeen?”
“I don’t know,” said the first. “I thought you were watching.”
Nutsrok 