| Advantages Of Being A Woman | |||||||
| Why it’s better to be a Woman! | 1. We got off the Titanic first. | 2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. 4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. 5. We can cry and get off speeding fines. 6. We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game. 7. Taxis stop for us. 8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. 9. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies … (you get the point). 11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we’re gay. 12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE’RE gay. 13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. 14. It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. 15. We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves. 16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt. 18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. 19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 20. If we’re dumb, some people will find it cute. 21. We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. 22. We have the ability to dress ourselves. 23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot. 25. Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth. 26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 27. We’ll never regret piercing our ears. 28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. 29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark. 30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions. |
memoir
Joke of the Day for Mysogynists
| ABC’s of ex girlfriends | |
| A
is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn’t care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!! C is for Call ya later.She won’t. She never has before. D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained? E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said “I’m not hungry” so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies. F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her. G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period. H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out. I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors. J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn’t Jim have a nice car ? Doesn’t Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy. K stands for Kill. L is for Love. It’s a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties. L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love. M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for. N stands for Necropheliac. She didn’t move very much, did she? O is for On top. When on top she has another O word. P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month. Q is for Quitter. She couldn’t last. R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it. S stands for Suffer. That’s what she made me do. T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies. U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement. V is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place. W stands for Whine. She was a pro at this. X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone. Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you. Z stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled “QUICK! They’re home!” . stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won’t get any for a week. |
E-mail Addresses It Would Be Really Annoying to Give Out Over the Phone.
BY MICHAEL WARD
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MikeUnderscore2004@yahoo.com
MikeAtYahooDotCom@hotmail.com
Mike_WardAllOneWord@yahoo.com
AAAAAThatsSixAs@yahoo.com
One1TheFirstJustTheNumberTheSecondSpelledOut@hotmail.com
Joke of the Day
A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head. The barman asks, “Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?”
The man replies, “It’s a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday.”
The barman remarks, “But it’s Wednesday.”
Sheepishly, the man says, “Man, I must look like a real fool.”
Dear Auntie Linda, August 17, 2015
Dear Auntie Linda, My husband and I have been married about six years. Lately I just feel like a housekeeper and Mommy. Our couples class recently had a Sweetheart Banquet. The men were supposed to name their wife’s favorite flower. When it was Jim’s turn, He said, “Well, my mama always liked plain, but I think Becky likes self-rising.” Everybody laughed, but it ruined the night for me. Once again, I felt about as interesting as somebody’s granny. I’ve kept myself nice, but Jim just doesn’t seem to notice. He’s a good man, but has little interest in me or the baby. It’s supper, TV, bed, maybe quick sex once in a while, but no togetherness. He doesn’t need me for a friend. If I try to talk, he says he’s tired, or he’s watching TV. I’m thinking of leaving, but only because there’s no real reason to stay. Nothing Here.
Dear Nothing, Have you told Jim how exactly how dissatisfied you are? It’s possible he thinks you are happy as a dead pig in the sunshine. One person can’t make a marriage. Before you make up your mind to go, be sure to tally up the pros and cons of leaving. It might be worth working out. Jim may think everything is just fine Men and women don’t speak the same language. Auntie Linda
Dear Auntie Linda, An older man lives next door who looks like his thinking might not be that great. His house and yard aren’t well-kept. Quite a scruffy-looking guys are starting to hang around who look suspiciously like they are taking advantage of him. Police officers have made numerous calls to the house, and a time or two, have left with a shady looking character. Today, an obviously drunk man was stumbling around in the front yard with a bottle of wine. I had the baby and my little girl outdoors and didn’t want to encounter him, so I took them back indoors. Not thirty minutes later, the drunk man was on the back porch using an electric saw. I was home alone with the children, so I just locked the doors. What can be done about this situation? Worried
Dear Worried, Sounds like time to make a call to the police if if there is a repeat wit the drunk man and adult protection. If you don’t want to identify yourself, it can be anonymous. Things are getting out of hand. Auntie Linda
Dear Worried
Robert Gordon, Wayne, Robbing Nanny, and Look Out Pope!
L to R Johnny Bell(cousin) Mary Elizabeth Perkins (Lizzie) with Kathleen Annie Lee Holdaway, Roscoe Gordon Holdaway, John Arthur Holdaway about 1930 (note how well-dressed the children are and Roscoes’s mended overalls. I have one of these chairs in my writing room today. Kathleen helped Roscoe replace the bottom in 1932. That story will be in her memoirs, soon to be published.)
Mother is eighty-seven. She swears if she ever meets up with her cousin, Robert Gordon, she intends tell him what a hellion he was, even if he is the Pope and has a beard down to his knees. Well, I am pretty sure our Pope wasn’t previously known as Robert Gordon and doesn’t have a beard down to his knees, but if he was, and does, please tip him off. A whacked-out little eight-seven year old lady down in Louisiana might knock his block off if she gets a chance. From the many stories I’ve heard over the years, I know Robert Gordon had a little brother, Wayne, who was also horrible, but nowhere nearly as mean as Robert Gordon.
Robert Gordon’s initial transgression that put him on Mother’s dirt list was not his fault. He was her Grandma’s favorite. Her grandma paid no attention whatsoever to Mother, or most of her other grandchildren, openly doting on Robert Gordon with warm waves of affection washing over his brother Wayne. No matter that her cousins had lived next door to her grandma from the day of their birth. Mother, hereinafter known as Kathleen, was still steamed to see them with the run of the place, their toys littering Grandma’s yard, and watch them cuddled in Grandma’s lap, when she was never noticed.
Kathleen’s prized possession was a little wagon that her father had acquired second-hand and painstakingly repaired by the broken tongue. The very next tme Robert Gordon visited, he ferreted out her precious wagon, sneaked the hatchet from the kindling pile, and smashed the tongue to smithereens so effectively that the wagon was a total loss. The destructive act wasn’t discovered till after his departure. The family later remembered hearing banging when Robert Gordon had claimed time to go to the toilet. From that day forward, Kathleen hated him.
Kathleen had but a handful of toys, mostly homemade or hand-me-down, so of course she cherished every one. She had learned, to her great sorrow, that Robert Gordon and Wayne would steal, given the chance. Before they left after a visit, her older brother, who usually only lived to torment her, held the boys upside down by ther and shook them, while she retrieved her toys raining to the ground.
One one visit, Robert Gordon who was younger than she, but bigger, entertained himself by hiding and jumping on Kathleen’s back as she rounded corners, pushing her to the ground and enjoying the ride to the ground as she fell face-first into the dirt and muck of the yard. John helped her plot, so she was ready on his next visit. As she pranced alluringly around the corner, he jumped. She threw herself backwards, the back head bashing satsfyigly into his face and nose. Blood and snot poured from his nose and split lip as he ran bawling for his mama. It was difficult to convince anybody she had started it when he’d jumped on her back, though he tried.
The most memorable, and adult-infuriating trick Robert Gordon and Wayne ever pulled of was The Great Goat-Milk Robbery. Though they were as poor as any farmers during The Great Depression, her parents were excellent providers. They had but one cow, but they kept a goat or two as a secondary source of milk. Cows don’t produce milk just before and immediately after calving. Milk production drops drastically during periods of low feed availability such drought. At any rate all live stock is preciouos and to be treated well. The Evil Robert Gordon and Wayne were beyond the Pale. They slipped away from the visiting adults and robbed poor Nanny Goat of her milk in a way that no Christian ever should. The repulsed neighbors were watching horrified while one boy held the goat and the other nursed, just like he was a kid goat. Kathleen’s daddy and mama and the horrid boy’s parents got there just as Nanny was being rescued and flogged by an outraged neighbor. Robert Gordon and Wayne’s parents left in disgrace and Kathleen’s family had another long, enjoyable talk about how hideos they Devil-ridden were. Poor Nanny didn’t give milk for three days.
This is the same chair from vintage picture above, one of my most treasured belongings.
Homeless Sessions: No Shelter
We could all be homeless
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/38702878021640088/
Recently, I moved into a house. I must have my poker face on because my mom keeps asking me why I’m not more excited.
I didn’t think that I would ever move into a house. In my mind, I believed that my forever and ever housing arrangements would be rentals and subsidized apartments.
A house that my kids and I belonged to was too much to hope for. For a several weeks, I wake up and look around. I still cannot believe that I have been blessed. Is it a dream? Am I going to wake up in a rundown apartment?
About eight years ago at Christmas time, I was homeless. In some ways, I was lucky. I didn’t have to sleep on an actual sidewalk in an actual cardboard box. I did see plenty of people that had no where else to go. I saw too many children…
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I Smell a Rat
Reblog of an older post from Nutsrok
Connie and Marilyn and two of their friends had been talking about sleeping in the barn for quite a while. They’d built themselves a lovely hideaway over the feed room where they spent many hours together. On one of the coldest nights of the year, they convinced themselves the time had come. Mother and Daddy weren’t concerned about
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Creepy Vintage Picture
I just love vintage pictures. What in the world do you suppose was going on here? I am going to hang on to this on. I know I will need it for a story sometime. It deserves screams for one!
Nutsrok 