memoir

Evening Chuckle

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment – a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. He remarks, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the young man and asks, “Can you top that?”

“No problem,” replies the young man, “just get that lion out of the way.”

Joke

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different!

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earline with me.”

–

Lovely Old Barn

Old barn

Though my father saw a barn a’building, I saw a cathedral of rough-hewn lumber rising in the lot behind our house. Mr. Bradley, a crotchedy old grandpa in khakis, showed up about daybreak every morning for coffee, then shuffled on to his barn building. He and a helper worked all day till Daddy and a couple of his buddies took over and worked on as Continue reading →

Ask Auntie Linda, August 16, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My husband and I have been married since I was eighteen.  He is stingy, mean, and controlling and always has been.  I would have left him long ago if it hadn’t been for the times we share with our grown children, our only good times together.  My mother left my father after I was grown and I was just devastated.  I have lots of friends and would love to have a good sex partner.  What do I do?  I hate to waste the rest of my life.  Miserable at home

Dear Miserable, Chances are, your adult children aren’t blind.  If you are miserable, there is no need for you to stay with a man who is stingy, mean, and controlling.  What would you tell your child or best friend to do?  Take your own good advice.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My girlfriend and I have been together four years and have a three-year-old.  She just gave birth to a daughter.  The timing is wrong for this baby to be mine.  I have not confronted her, since I haven’t made up my mind how to handle this.  I love the baby and want the children to grow up together.  How do I handle this?  Crossed

Dear Crossed,  It’s not a good idea to hide from the truth.  You may get past the problem, but it’s better to sort this out now.  You have trust issues with your girlfriend and may have trust issues with this child later down the road.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am so mortified.  I gave a co-worker, Maggie,  a ride to and from work for years since she didn’t drive.  Every evening, as a matter of routine, we stopped off at the corner grocery for her while I waited in the car.  She was never more than five minutes.  She’d always called ahead so her groceries were bagged.  She just zipped in and out.  Last week, Maggie was admitted to the hospital with a bleeding ulcer and died.  Turns out, she was an alcoholic.  Everybody at work was wondering how on earth she got her beer.  Her husband never let her go anywhere alone.  Turns out, I had to be the source.  I feel so awful.  Her “groceries” were a case of beer.  I was the “one.”  Enabled

Dear Enabled, You did not enable.  You did a friend a kindness in providing transportation to and from work.  You have nothing to feel guilty about.  Auntie Linda

Joke of the Day

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs.”
The rancher says, “Okay , but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? ”
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis Bull……
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..

“Your badge… Show him your badge!!”

The Great Doll Funeral

Vintage baby doll

https://atomic-temporary-73629786.wpcomstaging.com/2015/08/14/rocky-and-the-great-doll-funeral/

The same Christmas I got Rocky the Rocking Horse, the best Christmas present of my young life, and Monkey, my sidekick(until I left him outside for the dogs to chew up),  I got a big hard, plastic baby-doll with molded hair.  It came with a bottle, was dressed in pajamas and had exactly one diaper. That diaper was history once Mother demonstrated its amazing ability to pee its diaper. It made me mad when I saw the baby doll, anyhow, since I’d told Mother, “I don’t want a doll.  I hate dolls.”  The wet diaper was the last straw.  I pitched it into the bowels of the toy box to keep company with Tinker Toys, broken crayons, and last year’s despised doll.

Before Christmas this year when Mother asked what I wanted, my list included a live pony, cowboy boots, pistols and holsters and a real monkey in a cowboy suit.  My list did not include a doll.  Insanely, she had insisted, “But, every little girl has to get a doll.  Now what kind do you want?”

Remembering last year’s floppy baby doll, I tried to come up with something I could stomach.  I heard girls at school say they wanted a Bride Doll.  In my complete disinterest, I forgot exactly what kind of doll to ask for. “Uh, I GUESS a wedding doll would do.”  I didn’t want one,  but at least it wasn’t a stupid baby doll. When another baby doll showed up under the tree, I was disgusted, thinking I had confused Mother into thinking I wanted a “wetting doll, not a “wedding doll.”    Daddy handed me my final gigantic gift from under the tree.  Since I’d already gotten Rocky the Rocking Horse as a pony substitute and a stuffed monkey instead of real-live monkey in a cowboy suit, this was my last shot at pistols and a holster set.  I ripped into the package, and horror of horrors, discovered a tin tea-set with a Dutch Boy and Girl on a background of blue and yellow tulips.  Mother went into raptures over it.

“Oh, I always wanted a tea-set like this when I was a little girl.”  Well, if she’d had that tea-set and I had a feather up my butt, we’d have both been tickled to death.  Fortunately, I’d learned long ago to keep my mouth shut when I didn’t like presents.  Rocky and Monkey and I went on our way, making the best of that Christmas.  That tea-set, still in the box, went under my bed.

Months later, one of the neighbors died.  I didn’t get to go to the funeral, of course, but my cousin did.  It sounded pretty entertaining to me.  We decided to stage our own.  I scavenged through the toy box and found my Christmas doll and dug the tea-set out from under my bed.  Dumping the dishes, I lined the box with one of Mother’s better towels and we prepared the body for burial.  My cousin Sue and I conducted the services, complete with plenty of hymns and wailing.  My brother Billy and Cousin Troy attended, but only because we promised to provide penny candy afterward.  It was a lovely service, the burial site mounded up with gorgeous roses we’d rounded up from the bushes belonging to Mrs. Dick, the seventh-grade teacher who lived next to us.  Mother made us return the roses to Mrs. Dick and apologize, though I can’t imagine they’d have been much use to her since we’d snapped them all off right below the head.  There would have been enough of them to fill a tub for a romantic rose bath, though I seriously doubt the lady was in the mood judging from the expression on her face when we apologized.

Evening Chuckle

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson …

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.

You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, “TIMES UP”?

– See more at: http://thebesthilariousjokes.blogspot.com/2011/05/old-italian-mafia-don-is-dying-and-he.html#sthash.EbNCi8EO.dpuf

Joke of the Day

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general …

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, “Looks like a duck, flies like a duck … it’s probably a duck,” shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, “Hmmmm … green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound … might be a duck.” He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, “Go see if that was a duck.”

My Picks Of The Week #33

Reblog, I was one of Momma’s Pick’s

amommasview's avatarA Momma's View

How was your week? Did you have a good time? Are you looking forward to the weekend? I for sure do! It will be a busy one with lots of activities of the kids going on and therefor early mornings on Saturday and Sunday… Oh well, sleeping in is overrated anyway, right? Right…

So here we go, here are my picks of this week. Please check them out. Some of them are new bloggers sharing some interesting thoughts and in need of a little boost in form of encouraging comment. Some of them you probably already know and follow as well.

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