| I’m God |
| Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.
‘My son,’ said the holy man, ‘what are you doing? Who are you?’ ‘I’m God,’ said the stranger. ‘Pardon?’ ‘I’m God,’ he repeated. ‘This is my house!’ Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop. ‘Your reverence,’ said he, ‘I hate to trouble you, but there’s a man sat on me altar who claims he’s God. What’ll he do?’ Take no chances,’ said the archbishop. ‘Get back in the church and look busy!’ |
memoir
Laughter the best medicine.. Chihuahuas, nuts and wheezes
Dear Auntie Linda, August 8, 2015
Dear Auntie Linda, My daughter left town with another man, abandoning her husband and three small children.. Her husband and I have never been close, but we are cooperating to raise the children. I am a widow and have always kept the children while they both worked, He gets off at 3:30 but doesn’t sometimes doesn’t get here till nearly 6:00 to pick up the kids. Of course, by that time, they’ve been fed. The situation is tense. We both have more responsibility than ever before and are dealing with a lot of anger at my daughter. We can’t discuss problems in front of the children, of course. You could cut the tension with a knife. I don’t want to be paid for baby-sitting, but I do need him to pick them up when he gets off work. If he has to work late, they sleep over. That leaves me exhausted, with breakfasts, lunches to fix, and the problem of getting them ready for school and day care. We are both exhausted, worried financially, stressed and angry. How do I make him take responsibility? There is no reason to expect a happy ending with my daughter. Stressed Grandma
Dear Stressed, Boy, there are no easy answers here. You and your son-in-law will have to sit down and come up with a clear arrangement. It is clear, he is willing to let you take on all the responsibility you will tolerate. He is getting a free ride if you continue to provide unrestricted babysitting. You need to make clear what hours you are available and stick to your guns. Those kids need to be in their own beds at night and you definitely need your rest. Your daughter has child-support responsibilities as well. Auntie Linda
Dear Auntie Linda, my aunt left my daughter twenty-thousand dollars. Several years ago, I spent that money. My daughter is now approaching twenty-one. She expects to get her twenty-thousand dollars. We are on very poor terms. What do I do? No Cash
Dear No Cash, I hope you daughter is very forgiving, otherwise, you are probably in trouble.
Dear Auntie Linda, l have a terrible time getting school supplies and school lunches for my kids. I wish people who could afford it would send peanut butter crackers or breakfast bars or a few extra school supplies to the school room. It would really help a kid. Struggling Mom
Dear Struggling, Maybe a few will. I hope so!
I Might Not Be Right but….
Growing up on a farm in the sixties had its bright spots. Farm life was long on work, but we were at liberty to swim and fish in the pond and ride horses when we weren’t working. My brother and I counted on riding late Saturday afternoons and every Sunday after church with friends, then maybe swimming later in the day in the summer. It was the high point of our week. Winter wasn’t so bad because there wasn’t so much work and there were school and friendships to look forward to. That tells you a lot about how much social life we had, doesn’t it?
When I was a young child, I adored Daddy who was very indulgent and loving, but as I aged out as a small child and became a girl, I felt he withdrew his love. This was extremely cruel and painful. I felt as though my heart had been amputated.
Daddy was fiercely stern, certainly not worried about being a friend to his children. He was proud of taking a stand, always being right. More than once, I remember him him saying, “I may not be right, but I am never wrong,” feeling it was a weakness to back down.
By the time I was a teenager on the farm, the work on the farm was unrelenting, particularly during the summer months. My brother and I spent hours every day at tasks Daddy had assigned us and with him when he was home, an altogether miserable experience. Through the misery of the long week, we looked forward to our Saturday and Sunday afternoons off. I even looked forward to church, remarkable for me, since I’d never cared for the monotony of church, but it was a rare chance to see friends over the summer. Our only socialization was family activities.
One Sunday I was impatiently helping Mother cooking Sunday dinner after church, just like always I had to, wild to be cut loose to go riding, when I saw Daddy open the pasture gate for the neighbor girl, Kim on her horse and her friend Susie on “my horse, Pixie ” while I was still stuck in the kitchen, like a mindless drudge. No one had even had the consideration to mention the plan to me, though all three knew I rode every Sunday. I was livid. I went straight to Daddy and asked if it was true, “Did you really loan my horse without saying anything to me?” It’s a wonder he didn’t knock my teeth out!
“I did. I bought that horse. I pay for every bite that goes in its mouth and yours. That horse and everything on this place belongs to me.”
I turned and went back in the house, more determined than ever, that no one would ever own me.
Later that evening, I had the shock of my life. My father came as close to apologizing as he ever did. He said. “I should have asked you if you were going to ride before I loaned that horse.” I cried as I wrote this. Maybe he was softer than I thought. I wish I could talk this over with him today. I know I have hurt my kids without meaning to.
“He did.”
“
Dear Auntie Linda, August 7, 2015
Dear Auntie Linda, I am retired and live in a nice neighborborhood in the suburbs in the Northeast in a college town. The taxes are very high in our neighborhood. I need to rent out my upstairs apartment to cover my taxes. It is a one bedroom with a small sitting room and bath, including a microwave, fridge but no kitchen. The renter would have to share my back entry way. My point is, I have had an application from a nice middle-aged woman who is a college student. Her daughter is also a student and would want to stay here on weekends. The woman has a dog. I really hadn’t thought of renting to someone who had a dog or would have regular guests. Additionally, this woman is very obese and had difficulty with the stairs. She will have to walk nearly a mile to the train. She also has bad credit. I would like to help her, but I am afraid I will end up with a big problem if I rent to her. What do you advise? Need the rent.
Dear Need, This lady sets off a lot of alarms. If she has trouble with the stairs, a dog, and is planning for an “occasional” guest, I suspect you’ll have two full-time roomers and a dog who messes up the house a lot because it doesn’t get walked. I wouldn’t ever rent to someone with bad credit. I strongly suggest you tell her this won’t work for you. It is very hard to get rid of a bad renter. Run, run, run!
Dear Auntie Linda, i am eighty years old. I never talked back to my parents in my life. No matter how upset, I became with them, I just swallowed my feelings and kept my mouth shut. I am glad now I didn’t ever sass them. My kids are good people in their fifties and sixties and often answer sharply, or dispute with me. I don’t understand why they do thisi raised them to be respectful. I would have felt so guilty if I had ever crossed Mama or snapped at her. Hurt feelings.
Dear Hurt, I am glad you feel good about never having had conflict with your mother. It’s hard to imagine, in your whole life, you never lost you patience once. Either she had you completely buffaloed or you were a saint. Some conflict is normal, especially if you spend much time together. You sound like a fine person. I’ll bet your kids feel bad if they do snap at you. I surely would.
Dear Auntie Linda, My husband and I had wanted a baby for a couple of years. We had a little boy a month ago. I feel so guilty. I feel absolutely nothing for this baby except frustration with all the crying, baby care, and sleep loss. I wonuldn’t care if I never picked him up. My husband just dotes on him. Other new mothers act like they adore their babies. I pretend to care, but I feel nothing but frustration for my lost good life. What kind of monster am I? Icy Mama
Dear Icy, Sounds like post-partum depression. Talk your husband and doctor today. You need medical and family support immediately. Auntie Linda
Samsonite
Reblog from Vanbytheriver
There was a recent news story about airport terminal baggage theft. It seems to be so easy to walk up to the luggage carousel and lift a bag undetected. Not all airports have security guards at the exits, matching claim tickets to the bag in question.
They recommended using bright or unusual colors, since the popular black bags could be removed, unnoticed by the owner. One reporter joked that might use your mother’s old Samsonites from the 1960’s.
That would be mine. The set of 3 pieces were given to me by my parents as a high school graduation gift. They reinforced the message that all of us had heard since we were teenagers.
Eighteen and Out.
After high school, we were to be out of my parents’ home. It was college, or military service, our own business, whatever.
My father never had a role model in his own childhood…
View original post 174 more words
Joke of the Day
Milady called Jeeves the Butler to her room. “Take off my shoes and stockings.” He did. “Take off my dress.” He did. “Take off my underwear.” He obeyed. “Now, if I ever catch you wearing it again, you are fired!”
Parrot Joke
Once upon a time there was a cruise ship sailing. On board, a magician was giving a show to some passengers. The magician ALWAYS had a parrot on his shoulder. Whenever the magician told a joke, the parrot would give it away. One time the magician had a knife, he spun it around it dissappeared! The parrot said “It’s in his pocket, it’s in his pocket”. The crowd booed him because the parrot gave it away. The next trick he did, he waved a wand around and it vanished. Again, the parrot said, “It’s up his sleeve! It’s up his sleeve!” The magician got mad because he couldn’t keep any of his tricks secret. The parrot kept giving them away.
One day the cruise ship sank. The magician and the parrot managed to make it to an island where they stayed for about 3 months when the parrot, all of a sudden, burst out and asked:
“Ok, I give up! Where’d you hide the ship?”
Dear Auntie Linda, August 6, 2015
Dear Auntie Linda, My neighbor’s kids are always at my house. The little girl is the same age as my daughter; the little boy is four years younger. Their mother works nights and they just drop their books at home and head straight for my house. Their dad gets home after five, but never hunts them up till way after six. They are at the table for dinner, just like my kids. I have no agreement with the neighbors but don’t mind feeding them, just like any friend who is there at dinner. Should I bring this up with the neighbors? Wondering.
Dear Wondering. Don’t bother, unless you want to feed the whole family. I suspect they know. It’s good of you to feed those kids. If you send them home, it will probably be catch as catch can. They need a good meal and family time, even if it’s borrowed. Auntie Linda
Dear Auntie Linda, My daughter came home with an expensive pair of jeans she got from a friend. I made her give them back. I don’t want her having anything I don’t know was purchased. Is this too suspicious of me? I couldn’t afford jeans that expensive and don’t believe the friend’s mother would allow her daughter to give them away if she had purchased them. I don’t want to take a chance any shoplifting is going on. Worried.
Dear Worried. You are the mother. It is your job to set rules. If you don’t feel those jeans aren’t right for whatever reason, it is your responsibility to make that decision and make sure your daughter knows why. Stick to your guns. Kids need limits. Auntie Linda
Dear Auntie Linda, My daughter is seventeen. Her best friend’s father wants to take her and his daughter to Europe this summer. I could never give her this trip. He says he thinks of her like a daughter. The only problem is, he is twice-divorced and very flirtatious. Should I let her go. She says nothing is going on. Kind of worried.
Dear Kind, I have made a few substitutions in your letter. Use your best judgment. Auntie Linda
Dear Auntie Linda, My daughter is seventeen. Her best friend’s crocodile wants to take her and his daughter to Europe this summer. He is a typical crocodile, dangerous and slippery. He can be expected to behave like a crocodile. Should I let her go?
Nutsrok 