A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!” “Okay,” said his father. “What does the Bible mean?” “That’s easy, Daddy….” the young boy replied excitedly,” It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'” =======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. “Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk. “Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady. =======

Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.” ========  There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.” ========

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign… “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.” ========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?” A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy. “Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked. “You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven… ” ========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. “Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.” The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.” ========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.. ========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. “Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.” During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.” At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.” And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

‘That’s your Uncle Joe. He’s the black sheet of the family.’

School Reunion

Jack hadn’t been to a school reunion in decades.
When he walked in, Jack thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting.
“You look like Helen Brown,” he remarked.
“Well”, replied the angry woman, “you don’t look so great in blue either!”

Old is when… your sweetie says, “Lets go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”…your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’rebarefoot….a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garagedoor nearest your car….you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick….going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face….you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’thave to go along….when it takes longer to rest than to get tired….when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by thepolice….”getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today….”getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot… an “all nighter” means not getting up to pee! Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn’t that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds? Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

At their high school reunion Sarah and Esther meet up for the first time in fifty years.

Sarah begins to tell Esther about her children: “My son is a doctor and he’s got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?”

Esther replies, “Unfortunately, Morty and I don’t have any children and so we have no grandchildren either.”

Sarah says, “No children…. and no grandchildren! So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?”