“Help, I’ve fallen and can’t get up!”

Help! I've fallen and I can't get up.

Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.

Please don’t read if you are easily offended.  This is nursing humor.

My husband I are both retired RNs so we frequently spot errors in commercials.  The other evening, one of those frequent “Help, I’ve fallen and can’t get up!” commercials came on.

Bud watched the poor woman intently for a moment and said, “I know damn good and well she didn’t fall.  She didn’t piss her pants.”

He knows whereof he speaks, having worked on a physical rehab floor for more than twenty years.

Afternoon Funny

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers. With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’
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A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. “Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.” “I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?” “Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.” “Sure,” answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!” As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. “How can that be?” He asked, “I only purchased a few things!” “Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will five times!”

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back — wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? “Ma’am,” the officer replies, you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour! “The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time, “the officer asks. Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

“How was your game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.
“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went,” he answered.
“But you’re 75 years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”
“But he’s 85 and doesn’t play golf anymore,” protested Jack.
“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you,” Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.
“Yup,” Scott answered.
“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
“I forgot.”

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

On Melvin

fire and brimstoneOn Melvin’s good days, he was eccentric.  Other days, he tipped toward fanaticism.   While he was in the army in Korea, he wrote home asking Mama how she’d like a Korean daughter-in-law.  Mama wouldn’t like that at all.  Answering her it was just a joke; that was the end of it.  After mustering out, he came home and married Maggie, a young widow with a son.  Almost immediately, they had a son, then a year later, a second who was born with birth defects.  Melvin became was inconsolable and melancholic, sure his child was being punished for his sin of abandoning the woman and child in Korea he’d not having the courage to marry and bring home to his disapproving family.

Isolating himself, Melvin gave his life to God becoming an evangelical, Hell-fire and brimstone preacher in a sect of his own concoction.  Sadly, his fanaticism made life on his family so hard, poor Maggie left when he tried to force her into following his fanatic beliefs.  Eventually, his membership abandoned him to preach to an empty church, which he still does.  He brushed the divorce aside, insisting that “What God had put together, no man could put asunder.”  Though she could barely tolerate him, he considered himself still responsible for Maggie under the eyes of God, visiting her periodically and providing her with things a man should provide a wife, clothes, assistance with upkeep on her house, and money.  She wasn’t afraid of him and really needed his financial help.

He was unyielding in his beliefs, demanding that his children follow rules he lay down, disowning his adult son, a fine man, for drinking beer, alienating the second with his bizarre demands of fealty.  Eventually, he “adopted” a family of immigrants who were faithful to his religious beliefs, cutting his own children off.  He eventually got so deep in debt supporting the family, that he filed bankruptcy.  At the age of seventy-eight, he still works full-time to pay off debts he co-signed for them.  Maggie has since died.  From time to time, I still see Melvin, standing on the rural roadside, holding up his Bible, hoping to find someone to preach to.

I feel for this lonely man who has alienated himself from society and everyone he loves for what looks to me like to be an unnecessary sacrifice in the service of God.  I hope there is a blessing for him, sometime, somewhere.

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https://atomic-temporary-73629786.wpcomstaging.com/2015/11/04/yall-got-a-snake-in-yalls-tree-2/

Joke of the Day

'Hey guys! He just said we'll all be in gravy soon! We're going to be rich!'

‘Hey guys! He just said we’ll all be in gravy soon! We’re going to be rich!’

'Is that cow meditating?' 'Dyslexic.'

‘Is that cow meditating?’ ‘Dyslexic.’

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Farm 4

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'For some reason, I've never been able to bring myself to part with Elsie here.'

‘For some reason, I’ve never been able to bring myself to part with Elsie here.’

Gathering chickens

The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”

“Well, you done real good, son,” the farmer beamed. “You left with seven.”

Lacking all religion

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer’s soul the preacher asked the man, “Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?”

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, “Naw, these are soybeans.”

“You don’t understand,” said the preacher. “Are you a Christian?”

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, “Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here.”

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, “Are you lost?”

“Naw! I’ve lived here all my life,” answered the farmer.

“Are you prepared for the resurrection?” the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer’s attention and he asked, “When’s it gonna be?”

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, “It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day.” Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, “Well, don’t mention it to my wife. She don’t get out much and she’ll wanna go all three days.”

Dem’ smart city folk

A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.

A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.

“Where can I buy one?” he is asked.

Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.

“I’ll take him,” says the other man as he counts out the money.

I can’t bring him over today. I don’t work on Sunday morrow OK?

“Sure.”

The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, “sorry, bad news.”

I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.

The city feller says just give me my money back then.

“Can’t, spent it already!”

“Well… unload the mule then.”

“What ya gonna do with him?”

“Raffle him off!”

“Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!”

“Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks.”

One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.

“What did ya do with that dead mule?”

“Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit.”

“Didn’t anyone complain?”

“Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!”

 

Ask Auntie Linda, November 5, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My father died last year.  He and my mother owned two homes.  Mother doesn’t want to live alone in a distant city since Dad died.  She moved into the apartment attached to my home in rural Tennessee.  She gets along really well and my family and I enjoy her company.  My three small children love having their grandmother here.  Mother is only sixty-two and in excellent health.  She wants to sell her two homes, one in New York and one in the Bahamas and build a house nearby.  Two of my siblings are furious that she wants to sell “their inheritance.”  They are both single with no children and believe I am using my children to influence Mother.  They are making her miserable.  How do I convince them I don’t have a finger in the pie? Spoiled Siblings

Dear Spoiled, Your mother will have to handle this.  If I were in this position, I’d remind the all my children that I planned to live awhile and need home now.  When I am dead, they will get whatever I feel the deserve in my will.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My husband has started attending a  bizarre fundamentalist church.  He contributes way over what we can afford.  I have attended this church and feel it is cult-like.  I told him I want nothing to do with it.  Last Sunday, he came home telling me he is entering the ministry, selling our house, and moving into the church compound.  He has always been too dominant but now he is moving toward irrational.  What do I do  I don’t work and have small children.  I don’t know if I can make it on my own.  Not Churchy

Dear Not Churchy,  Talk to a lawyer.  You can go to legal aid if needed.  Sounds like you need to have a plan.  Women make it all the time who think they can’t.  Best the heck out of trying to escape from a cult and then figuring out how to make it on your own.

Email Auntie Linda  lbeth1950@hotmail.com

Afternoon Funny

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If I Were a Rich Man!

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I hate this.  After the recent storm, we had a leak around the flashing around our chimney.  Bud is perfectly willing and able to do repairs, but I hate seeing him pull out the ladder to climb on the roof.  He finished the repair and was back safely on the ground in ten minutes and saved the cost of a repair.  He’s always reminding me he’s not a rich man, but I believe he would still do this if he were.   What you don’t see is me waiting and watching below.  We are both retired RNs, with extensive experience taking care of those who have fallen of roofs.  Thank God, all went well!

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Joke of the Day

Cowboy Jokes

Talking Animals

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Old Friend sitting on his porch. He figures he’ll have a little fun… Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?” Old Friend: “Dog no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?” Dog: “Doin’ alright.” Old Friend: extreme look of shock

Cowboy: ” Is this man your owner?” pointing at Old Friend. Dog: “Yep”

Cowboy: “How does he treat you?” Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.” Old Friend: look of disbelief.

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?” Old Friend: “Horse no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?” Horse: “Cool.” Old Friend: extreme look of shock

Cowboy: “Is this your owner? ” pointing at Old Friend. Horse: “Yep”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?” Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Old Friend: total look of amazement

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Old Friend: “Sheep Lie.”

Be Careful What You Wish For

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy’s horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. “Hold on there, partner,” said the snake, “don’t shoot – I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.”

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake’s striking range. He said, “Okay, first, I’d like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I’d like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I’d like to be built like this here horse I’m riding.”

The rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.” The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, “Oh my God, I was riding the mare!”

Lost Control…

At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, “That new bull nearly did me in today, pardner.”
“Oh yeah, what happened?” asked the other cowboy.

“I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!” replied the first cowboy.

“So, how’d you get away?” asked the other cowboy.

“The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over,” replied the first cowboy.

“Man, that’s scary! If it’d been me, I would probably have crapped all over the place,” remarked the second cowboy.

The first cowboy replied, “I DID! What do you think that bull was slipping in?”

Sweet Hour of Prayer

imageMaggie married Melvin shortly after her first husband died.  Maybe she should’ve waited longer, but she was exhausted after her long struggle to support Ray through his illness and then Little Ray after he died, so she was glad to have Melvin’s companionship and support, even though he was odd from the start.  Things went well enough for several years, but by the time Melvin reached his late forties, he’d developed religious delusions that made him impossible to live with. Continue reading →