Ask Auntie Linda, August 12, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  I am a seventeen years old, a senior in high school, make good grades, and have never done anything to make my parents distrust me.  We live thirteen miles outside town.  Most kids don’t want to come out this far before going out at night.  My parents let my brother take the car and go out at night or meet friends in town.  I am allowed to use the car in daytime, but they don’t want me driving alone at night in case I break down.  I have a cell phone.  I don’t always want to stay over with a friend or have a guy drive me home.  How can I get them to relax this double standard?  Unfair

Dear Unfair,  That’s a sticky one.  It’s not about trusting you.  It’s about protecting you, which you don’t like a bit better, I’m sure.  Maybe if you promised to call right when you were leaving they could deal a little better while you could wean them off gently, after all, you will be off at college next year.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, As a teenager, I worked in a local store video rental store.  While working there, I stole several porn videos, probably worth $600.  I feel very guilty about this and would like to make restitution.  The owner has since died.  I know his elderly widow needs money, but this confession could ruin me if it came out.  How can I make this right, without ruining my life?  Sorry now

Dear Sorry, Send the lady an anonymous letter with a cashier’s check explaining you wronged her husband and would like to make restitution, asking her to accept it in his honor.  She will probably be touched.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My husband I can never agree. We just can’t discuss things.  When we are trying to talk about issues, he doesn’t listen to a word I have said.  He thinks if he tells me how he wants things done, we have made a decision.  How do we solve this?  Trying to work things out.

Dear Trying,  These things usually work themselves out after fifty or sixty years.  Auntie Linda

Joke of the Day

Walks Into a Bar… Three Tests

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s up with the jar?”

“Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money.”

“What are the three tests?” asks the man

“Gotta pay first.”

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

“OK, here’s what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila — the WHOLE thing at once — and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her.”

“Well, I know I’ve paid my $10 bucks,” says the man, “but I’m not an idiot. No wonder you’ve collected so much money — that’s impossible!”

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

“Wherez zat teeqeelah?” he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside — barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

“NOW,” he says, “wherez at ol’ lady with the sore tooth?”

Mother’s memories

Reblog from Ritu

Evening Chuckle

A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano.
“Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!” Says the man.
“Oh, well there’s this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want.”
Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.
“You grant wishes right?”
“Yes.” replies the genie.
“Hmm, I’d like a million bucks.”
Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar.
“Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!”
His friends sitting at the table replies,
“Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?”

Library Magic

image

The world opened up to me on my first visit to the library the summer before I turned four.  My sister had just finished first grade.  Mother took her to enroll her in the summer reading program, bland enough sounding, as we pulled up to a white clapboard building jus next to Davis’s Barber Shop.  I knew Sandra Davis was in first-grade with my sister, so that was important.  The small library was divided into an adult and children’s room and lined floor to ceiling with shelves.  The picture books were on low shelves under the huge windows of the front room.  I stood there staring, till a tiny, white-haired lady came out from behind a desk, pointed to the shelves and told me, “Choose anything you like.”

I’d never seen such wealth.  We had books at home, but nothing like this bounty.  I’d never thought the world might hold such wealth.  I dropped to the floor and pulled one out.  Seeing little girls at a tea-party, I hastily slid it back in its place, looking for something more attractive.  I rejected a valentine book, a kitty, and an A B C book, I had just settled on a cowboy book when Mother said we needed to go.

“I didn’t get to read my book yet!”  I wailed.

“We can read it when you get home.  Don’t you want some more? You can get three,” she finished.

I’d never been offered more of anything this good.  I was stunned.  “That ol’ woman is gonna’ give me three?”

Mother tried to cover  my “that ol’ woman outburst” the best she could.  She grabbed the te apart, the valentine book, while I handed over my cowboy book.  Miss Temple stamped the little date sticker in the the books, had Mother sign the cards, and we were on our way.  As soon as we got to the car Mother hissed. “”Don’t ever call somebody an old lady again. Or I’ll tear you up.”

“Why doesn’t she know?” I asked.

“Well, if she doesn’t, it’s not your place to tell her.”  She was mad.

As soon as we got home,  Mother read me Rory and Rocky the Cow Pony.  After a couple of readings, I had it memorized.  I had to take back in two weeks, but checked Rory and Rocky out all summer.  I never did read the tea party or valentine books.

Dear Auntie Linda, August 11, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My parent are in their seventies.  I am their only child.  They are more than comfortable.  My husband and I have two children.  We’d like to move into a better school district but would really struggle to make the payments.  I’ve asked my parents but they don’t want to loan us the money for a down payment.  I am hurt, since I am their only child and heir.  Is this selfish of me?  Only Child

Dear Only, Without knowing the whole story, it’s hard to say.  Your parents may have every penny tied up.  Maybe, like me, they don’t loan what they can’t afford to gift.  A loan, not repaid, creates hard feelings.  It’s always better not to go in too deep.  Your parent’s money, however much or little it is, is theirs to do with as they please, not something you are entitled to.  They may live long enough to need every cent. Best to spend only what you can afford, not rely on anticipated money.   Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda,  My husband drives me crazy picking his toenails.  He knows this  but doesn’t stop.  What do I do?  Whacked out.

Dear Whacked, There’s nothing you can do except walk out of the room or try to ignore. Does it bother him that you hate it.  He could avoid being barefoot when relaxing. Hope he doesn’t start picking yours!  Aunt Linda.

Dear Auntie Linda, I called my mom to tell her my new boyfriend and I were dropping by in a few minutes for coffee.  When we got there, she was stomping around out in the backyard in knee-high black-rubber boots, green plaid knee-pants, and an orange polka dot top with the sleeves cut out chopping on a snake with a machete.  Why would she do this when she knew I was coming over?  Embarrassed

Dear Embarrassed, When a snake’s got to be chopped, it’s got to be chopped.  They don’t wait around for introductions.  How did it work out with the boyfriend?  Auntie Linda

Joke of the Day

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.
Rob’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
“Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”
“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said ‘guess who’?”
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, “now, you can do what ever you want.”
So here I am.

Dear Auntie Linda, August 10, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, Frannie and I have been friends since we were n our twenties.  We are in our early seventies now and are neighbors again in a small retirement community.   I am widowed; she is divorced.  For a long time we enjoyed doing things together, hitting a couple of sales, maybe seeing a movie or having coffee, and finally stopping at the market on the way home.  Now, Frannie is changing our plans without notice and taking advantage of me.  We’ve always used my car, at my suggestion, since she is a timid driver, and she helps on gas.  Sometimes, she lets me get all the way to her house before making her grocery list.  Then she tells me she’s decided not to go after all, asking me to pick her items up and bring them back.  When this happens, she only plays the exact ticket amount, no tax or gas money.   It annoys me to have her cancel.  I have no desire to be her errand boy and spend the extra time for pick up and delivery.  Had Just About Enough

Dear Just About, Since Frannie isn’t shy, you needn’t be.  It wouldn’t hurt to check and make sure Frannie hasn’t changed her mind before you leave your house.  If she pulls a quickie on you after you get there, tell her it’s not convenienient for you to do her shopping.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!

Dear Auntie Linda, My son and daughter-in-law stayed with me three weeks while they were waiting for their house to be completed.  My thirteen year old granddaughter told me something that really disturbs me.  I loaned them twenty thousand dollars to put down on this house.  Betsy wants her room painted sky blue so she can paint a butterfly on one wall and birds and flowers on the others.  A crazy paint job like that might ruin the resale value of the house.  I know my son will pay me back what he owes me, but he found out he was diabetic last week.  I am worried now my daughter-in-law might not pay me back if something happens to him before he repays me.  Should I ask my son to make provisions to pay the loan?  Worried Mother

Dear Worried, I don’t think that paint job will do irreparable harm to the house, but I do think your callous request will irreparably harm your relationship with you son and his wife.  Auntie Linda