| I Thought You Were My Wife | |
| A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.” “Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!” she screamed. “Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.” |
Dear Auntie Linda, August, 9, 2015
Dear Auntie Linda, My husband and I underwent genetic testing before attempting to start a family, since a genetic disorder runs in his family. He was found to carry a dominant gene. I carry the recessive gene, meaning our natural children would be affected. When I shared this devastating news with my mother, she confided that she had always feared I had been conceived during an indiscretion during a bad patch she and my father went through. I am the second of three children, the only daughter. I love my mother, but have always been closer to my father. She has begged for my forgiveness and asked me not to tell my father. I would never consider hurting him this way, but I am furious at my mother of robbing me of a family through her selfishness. How do I deal with this? Heartsick
Dear Heartsick, This is a sad situation. I feel for you, your husband, and your mother in your disappointment. Your mother must be heartbroken to know her indiscretion is the reason you can’t have children. But by the same reasoning, it it the reason you are who you are. You and your parents are all exactly the same people you were before you found this out. I know your mother will always regret this. I hope for your sake and hers, you can forgive her. Bitterness is a heavy burden. I hope there will be a way for you to have children in your life. Auntie Linda
Dear Auntie Linda, Mother is seventy-four and in love with the telephone. She is healthy and independent, but can’t leave the phone alone. I try to head her off by calling her before I go to work every morning, but almost without fail, she calls me back to tell me something she forgot to tell me, even though I ask if that’s all she had to tell me before I hang up. I check in when I get in in the evening. Same routine. As soon as the call is finished, she remembers one more thing she just has to tell me and calls right back. I’ve asked her to hold her news for the next call, but she refuses. Sometimes, if I’ve already talked to her a couple of times that day, I just don’t answer, calling back a few hours later, hoping to consolidate a few calls. Is this horrible? Then my sisters get rapid-fire phone calls telling on me. I’ve asked Mother not to call till she has a few things to say, but sometimes, I get separate calls purely to tell me the mailman is late, Kroger has apples on special, or Walgeen didn’t have the PruneLax and now she’ll be constipated for three days. By the way, talking on the phone isn’t my favorite thing since I work in a call center. Don’t call me, please.
Dear Don’t Call, Sounds like your best bet is to make Mama mad. No really, I doubt there’s much you can do except say you’ll call back when you can. She will probably be mad, but that’s better than both of you being mad all the time. Auntie Linda
Dear Auntie Linda, My husband is a prominent Baptist Minister. He had an automobile accident and was brought to the emergency room wearing lacy women’s underwear, as is his habit. His clothes were cut off and not returned to me. He is now recovering well. He is an excellent minister, a good husband and father, but I have always lived in fear that this secret would come out and ruin our lives. I have been waiting for days, but haven’t heard a whisper. Is it likely this will leak out? I am so worried. Pins and Needles.
Dear Pins and Needles, I worked as an emergency room nurse for many years. I am sorry to disappoint you, but it would far take more than a minister wearing lacy panties to get a second glance in the emergency room. Had he walked in shading himself with a parasol, wearing a tutu and carrying his severed head under his arm, he might have gotten a look, otherwise, forget it. Hospital personnel face severe legal penalties should they violate patient confidentiality.
Joke of the Day
| I’m God |
| Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.
‘My son,’ said the holy man, ‘what are you doing? Who are you?’ ‘I’m God,’ said the stranger. ‘Pardon?’ ‘I’m God,’ he repeated. ‘This is my house!’ Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop. ‘Your reverence,’ said he, ‘I hate to trouble you, but there’s a man sat on me altar who claims he’s God. What’ll he do?’ Take no chances,’ said the archbishop. ‘Get back in the church and look busy!’ |
Laughter the best medicine.. Chihuahuas, nuts and wheezes
Dear Auntie Linda, August 8, 2015
Dear Auntie Linda, My daughter left town with another man, abandoning her husband and three small children.. Her husband and I have never been close, but we are cooperating to raise the children. I am a widow and have always kept the children while they both worked, He gets off at 3:30 but doesn’t sometimes doesn’t get here till nearly 6:00 to pick up the kids. Of course, by that time, they’ve been fed. The situation is tense. We both have more responsibility than ever before and are dealing with a lot of anger at my daughter. We can’t discuss problems in front of the children, of course. You could cut the tension with a knife. I don’t want to be paid for baby-sitting, but I do need him to pick them up when he gets off work. If he has to work late, they sleep over. That leaves me exhausted, with breakfasts, lunches to fix, and the problem of getting them ready for school and day care. We are both exhausted, worried financially, stressed and angry. How do I make him take responsibility? There is no reason to expect a happy ending with my daughter. Stressed Grandma
Dear Stressed, Boy, there are no easy answers here. You and your son-in-law will have to sit down and come up with a clear arrangement. It is clear, he is willing to let you take on all the responsibility you will tolerate. He is getting a free ride if you continue to provide unrestricted babysitting. You need to make clear what hours you are available and stick to your guns. Those kids need to be in their own beds at night and you definitely need your rest. Your daughter has child-support responsibilities as well. Auntie Linda
Dear Auntie Linda, my aunt left my daughter twenty-thousand dollars. Several years ago, I spent that money. My daughter is now approaching twenty-one. She expects to get her twenty-thousand dollars. We are on very poor terms. What do I do? No Cash
Dear No Cash, I hope you daughter is very forgiving, otherwise, you are probably in trouble.
Dear Auntie Linda, l have a terrible time getting school supplies and school lunches for my kids. I wish people who could afford it would send peanut butter crackers or breakfast bars or a few extra school supplies to the school room. It would really help a kid. Struggling Mom
Dear Struggling, Maybe a few will. I hope so!
I Might Not Be Right but….
Growing up on a farm in the sixties had its bright spots. Farm life was long on work, but we were at liberty to swim and fish in the pond and ride horses when we weren’t working. My brother and I counted on riding late Saturday afternoons and every Sunday after church with friends, then maybe swimming later in the day in the summer. It was the high point of our week. Winter wasn’t so bad because there wasn’t so much work and there were school and friendships to look forward to. That tells you a lot about how much social life we had, doesn’t it?
When I was a young child, I adored Daddy who was very indulgent and loving, but as I aged out as a small child and became a girl, I felt he withdrew his love. This was extremely cruel and painful. I felt as though my heart had been amputated.
Daddy was fiercely stern, certainly not worried about being a friend to his children. He was proud of taking a stand, always being right. More than once, I remember him him saying, “I may not be right, but I am never wrong,” feeling it was a weakness to back down.
By the time I was a teenager on the farm, the work on the farm was unrelenting, particularly during the summer months. My brother and I spent hours every day at tasks Daddy had assigned us and with him when he was home, an altogether miserable experience. Through the misery of the long week, we looked forward to our Saturday and Sunday afternoons off. I even looked forward to church, remarkable for me, since I’d never cared for the monotony of church, but it was a rare chance to see friends over the summer. Our only socialization was family activities.
One Sunday I was impatiently helping Mother cooking Sunday dinner after church, just like always I had to, wild to be cut loose to go riding, when I saw Daddy open the pasture gate for the neighbor girl, Kim on her horse and her friend Susie on “my horse, Pixie ” while I was still stuck in the kitchen, like a mindless drudge. No one had even had the consideration to mention the plan to me, though all three knew I rode every Sunday. I was livid. I went straight to Daddy and asked if it was true, “Did you really loan my horse without saying anything to me?” It’s a wonder he didn’t knock my teeth out!
“I did. I bought that horse. I pay for every bite that goes in its mouth and yours. That horse and everything on this place belongs to me.”
I turned and went back in the house, more determined than ever, that no one would ever own me.
Later that evening, I had the shock of my life. My father came as close to apologizing as he ever did. He said. “I should have asked you if you were going to ride before I loaned that horse.” I cried as I wrote this. Maybe he was softer than I thought. I wish I could talk this over with him today. I know I have hurt my kids without meaning to.
“He did.”
“
Dear Auntie Linda, August 7, 2015
Dear Auntie Linda, I am retired and live in a nice neighborborhood in the suburbs in the Northeast in a college town. The taxes are very high in our neighborhood. I need to rent out my upstairs apartment to cover my taxes. It is a one bedroom with a small sitting room and bath, including a microwave, fridge but no kitchen. The renter would have to share my back entry way. My point is, I have had an application from a nice middle-aged woman who is a college student. Her daughter is also a student and would want to stay here on weekends. The woman has a dog. I really hadn’t thought of renting to someone who had a dog or would have regular guests. Additionally, this woman is very obese and had difficulty with the stairs. She will have to walk nearly a mile to the train. She also has bad credit. I would like to help her, but I am afraid I will end up with a big problem if I rent to her. What do you advise? Need the rent.
Dear Need, This lady sets off a lot of alarms. If she has trouble with the stairs, a dog, and is planning for an “occasional” guest, I suspect you’ll have two full-time roomers and a dog who messes up the house a lot because it doesn’t get walked. I wouldn’t ever rent to someone with bad credit. I strongly suggest you tell her this won’t work for you. It is very hard to get rid of a bad renter. Run, run, run!
Dear Auntie Linda, i am eighty years old. I never talked back to my parents in my life. No matter how upset, I became with them, I just swallowed my feelings and kept my mouth shut. I am glad now I didn’t ever sass them. My kids are good people in their fifties and sixties and often answer sharply, or dispute with me. I don’t understand why they do thisi raised them to be respectful. I would have felt so guilty if I had ever crossed Mama or snapped at her. Hurt feelings.
Dear Hurt, I am glad you feel good about never having had conflict with your mother. It’s hard to imagine, in your whole life, you never lost you patience once. Either she had you completely buffaloed or you were a saint. Some conflict is normal, especially if you spend much time together. You sound like a fine person. I’ll bet your kids feel bad if they do snap at you. I surely would.
Dear Auntie Linda, My husband and I had wanted a baby for a couple of years. We had a little boy a month ago. I feel so guilty. I feel absolutely nothing for this baby except frustration with all the crying, baby care, and sleep loss. I wonuldn’t care if I never picked him up. My husband just dotes on him. Other new mothers act like they adore their babies. I pretend to care, but I feel nothing but frustration for my lost good life. What kind of monster am I? Icy Mama
Dear Icy, Sounds like post-partum depression. Talk your husband and doctor today. You need medical and family support immediately. Auntie Linda
Samsonite
Reblog from Vanbytheriver
There was a recent news story about airport terminal baggage theft. It seems to be so easy to walk up to the luggage carousel and lift a bag undetected. Not all airports have security guards at the exits, matching claim tickets to the bag in question.
They recommended using bright or unusual colors, since the popular black bags could be removed, unnoticed by the owner. One reporter joked that might use your mother’s old Samsonites from the 1960’s.
That would be mine. The set of 3 pieces were given to me by my parents as a high school graduation gift. They reinforced the message that all of us had heard since we were teenagers.
Eighteen and Out.
After high school, we were to be out of my parents’ home. It was college, or military service, our own business, whatever.
My father never had a role model in his own childhood…
View original post 174 more words
Joke of the Day
Milady called Jeeves the Butler to her room. “Take off my shoes and stockings.” He did. “Take off my dress.” He did. “Take off my underwear.” He obeyed. “Now, if I ever catch you wearing it again, you are fired!”
