Once upon a time there was a cruise ship sailing. On board, a magician was giving a show to some passengers. The magician ALWAYS had a parrot on his shoulder. Whenever the magician told a joke, the parrot would give it away. One time the magician had a knife, he spun it around it dissappeared! The parrot said “It’s in his pocket, it’s in his pocket”. The crowd booed him because the parrot gave it away. The next trick he did, he waved a wand around and it vanished. Again, the parrot said, “It’s up his sleeve! It’s up his sleeve!” The magician got mad because he couldn’t keep any of his tricks secret. The parrot kept giving them away.
One day the cruise ship sank. The magician and the parrot managed to make it to an island where they stayed for about 3 months when the parrot, all of a sudden, burst out and asked:
“Ok, I give up! Where’d you hide the ship?”
Dear Auntie Linda, August 6, 2015
Dear Auntie Linda, My neighbor’s kids are always at my house. The little girl is the same age as my daughter; the little boy is four years younger. Their mother works nights and they just drop their books at home and head straight for my house. Their dad gets home after five, but never hunts them up till way after six. They are at the table for dinner, just like my kids. I have no agreement with the neighbors but don’t mind feeding them, just like any friend who is there at dinner. Should I bring this up with the neighbors? Wondering.
Dear Wondering. Don’t bother, unless you want to feed the whole family. I suspect they know. It’s good of you to feed those kids. If you send them home, it will probably be catch as catch can. They need a good meal and family time, even if it’s borrowed. Auntie Linda
Dear Auntie Linda, My daughter came home with an expensive pair of jeans she got from a friend. I made her give them back. I don’t want her having anything I don’t know was purchased. Is this too suspicious of me? I couldn’t afford jeans that expensive and don’t believe the friend’s mother would allow her daughter to give them away if she had purchased them. I don’t want to take a chance any shoplifting is going on. Worried.
Dear Worried. You are the mother. It is your job to set rules. If you don’t feel those jeans aren’t right for whatever reason, it is your responsibility to make that decision and make sure your daughter knows why. Stick to your guns. Kids need limits. Auntie Linda
Dear Auntie Linda, My daughter is seventeen. Her best friend’s father wants to take her and his daughter to Europe this summer. I could never give her this trip. He says he thinks of her like a daughter. The only problem is, he is twice-divorced and very flirtatious. Should I let her go. She says nothing is going on. Kind of worried.
Dear Kind, I have made a few substitutions in your letter. Use your best judgment. Auntie Linda
Dear Auntie Linda, My daughter is seventeen. Her best friend’s crocodile wants to take her and his daughter to Europe this summer. He is a typical crocodile, dangerous and slippery. He can be expected to behave like a crocodile. Should I let her go?
A Penny Saved……
My lovely, kind-hearted niece, pictured above, brought her little rescue dog, Penny,over to meet me. Penny had been tossed out near a creek by some evil person, apparently in hopes she’d be picked up. Hannah left her food and water, since Penny was too fearful to be approached, baited a trap with wieners, and caught her. She was underweight, starving, and sick when Hannah got her to a vet, but is now recovering. In fact, she is recovering so well, she chased my dog Buzzy out of his food, drank his water, and bossed him around. I think it was good for him to see how a hungry dog eats. After Hannah had Penny home a couple of days, she’s dug out under fences, dominated their bigger dogs, and generally taken over. I think she may have run the place at some old grannie’s house. She shows all the signs of being the spoiled darling the kids pitched out when Granny died. I expect to see her drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, listening to gospel music, and playing video poker next time I go to visit Hannah. Seriously, I don’t know how people who abandon animal can sleep at night. I guess they don’t know about Karma.
Joke of the Day
The policeman approaches the drivers door.
“Is there a problem, Officer?”
The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”
The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”
“You don’t have one?”
The man responds, “I lost it four times for drink driving.”
The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”
The policeman says, “Why not?”
“I stole this car.”
The officer says, “Stole it?”
The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”
At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what?”
“She’s in the boot if you want to see.”
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”
The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem, sir?”
“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”
“Murdered the owner?”
The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?”
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”
The man says, “Yes” and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.”
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”
The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”
Nutsrok 