A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn’t come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband’s 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.
Ask Auntie Linda, July 31, 2015
Dear Auntie Linda, This is not a problem, just thought maybe one of your readers could answer a question for me. My husband’s ninety-year-old grandmother is in remarkably good health with a sound mind. She has always worked in her yard a lot. She showed me her trick for not getting poison ivy. It sounds crazy but she swears it works. She hammered a lead fishing weight flat and wears it pinned to her bra in contact with her skin when she thinks she might come in contact with poison ivy. She said she has never broken out when she does this. Has anyone else ever heard of this and if I tried it, would I be likely to get lead poisoning? Very Allergic
Dear Allergic, Never heard of this. Let’s see if readers can help out.
Dear Auntie Linda, My husband is becoming such a tightwad it is difficult to deal with him. We are not short on money. We are retired with adequate income to pay cash for everything we buy. I am sick of hearing constant complaints of how much my haircuts, clothes, flowers, and things for the house cost. I am not extravagant and have contributed equally our entire marriage. It is not a problem when he needs things. What, besides constant fighting, is the answer here? Had it
Dear Had it, Sounds like you need to have a little sit down and compare where the money is going. Might be that you need your own account so he doesn’t need to worry about where your money is going. I’ll bet you could get by nicely on about the same amount he spends, couldn’t you? Auntie Linda
Dear Auntie Linda, My grandmother is pressuring me to go to her college and study nutrition. I love her and don’t want to disappoint her, but don’t want to do this. How do I keep from hurting her feelings. Other plans.
Dear Other plans, You just explained it beautifully to me. You sound like a great kid. Granny will just have to understand.
Joke of the Day
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Its dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”
Man ~ “That’s nice.”
Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”
Man ~ “No, thanks.”
Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”
Man ~ “OK, how much?”
Boy ~ “$250?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”
Man ~ “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy ~ “$750?
Man ~ “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy ~ “$1,000?
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
My Picks Of The Week #33
Woo woo! Momma’ s View picked me! I am so proud!
Yet another week has passed by and it’s time for my picks again. So here we go. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I did. Have a happy weekend you all…
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Autocorrect Texts
When autocorrect texts have gone this wrong, they can be “wildly entertaining”. It might be a good time to get your minds out of the gutter now!
Joke of the Day
A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop,someone asked,
“Where did you get that?”
The pig replied,
“I won her in a raffle!”
Kitchen Tongs and Cat Poop
Did you ever travel back in time? I reached for a pair of tongs in a kitchen drawer today and found myself four years old again with my mother standing over me. She was furiously studying a pair of tongs she’d taken from a drawer. “What’s on this on these tongs?” Unwisely, she rubbed the tongs and held her fingers to her nose. “This smells like poop! Did you put my kitchen tongs in poop?”
“I used it to get cat poop out of the baby bed.” She hit the roof. I was only trying to help.
Watson’s Troubles
Spelling Joke
Two Italian men get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”
Nutsrok 