Ask Auntie Linda July 25, 2015

Auntie LindaDear Auntie Linda,  A creepy guy lives next door.  I think he has been stealing my undies off the line in my backyard.  What should I do?  Tiny Hiney

Dear Tiny, Either hang your dainties inside or start hanging big, white Granny-panties with skid marks (magic marker)out there for a while.  That ought to teach him not to suck eggs!  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, My husband and I have a good life and don’t want to have children.  Our families know this.  I get a lot of remarks and grief from my parents, even though I made it clear I won’t change my mind.  What do I say to get them to let up?  Tired of Pushy Parents.

Dear Tired, Doubt you can shut them up.  Maybe they will eventually get tired of hitting a stone wall when you remind them it’s not up for discussion and leave it at that.  No one should have children if they don’t want to.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda.  My husband and I struggled to put ourselves through college.  My husband is an accountant.  I am a teacher.  Our oldest two kids got scholarships and are doing great.  Our youngest son did well in high school, but is determined to go to technical school to be a welder.  He took a welding class in high school and won several awards, but there is no reason he couldn’t go to college and do as well as his brothers.   We don’t want him to be disappointed later.  What do we do? Worried Mother

Dear Worried, Sounds like your son knows what he wants.  If you want to ensure he is disappointed, pressure him to do what brothers did.  He can do very well as a welder.  Should he ever want or need to, he could go to college later.  I got my nursing degree when I was thirty when I realized I didn’t want to be a teacher, but still used those skills. He sounds like a sharp guy.

Joke of the Day

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.

“What if that had been vandalized?”

“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

Vagina, Boobs, and Poop (Part 10)

Reblogging #10 of a 12 part series

lbeth1950's avatarNutsrok

surpriseThis post has nothing to do with Vagina, Boobs, and Poop.  I am doing a post on crazy things my mother has said and done and wanted to see if this garnered interest.  Mother is sensitive about her age and height, so I can’t mention the fact that she is past eighty, and “not tall,” but besides that, has said and done some interesting things.   (Links to part 1-9 below)

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Gipsika’s Jokes

Paddy has had a glass eye for ages. One day, his best friend, who is a neurosurgeon, tells him of a new procedure of transplanting eyes. Paddy is very excited about this; and the wait for a donor begins, but the list is long.

One day Paddy is driving along the winding country road when a red Ferrari zooms past him at breakneck speed. Paddy, a bit unnerved, hits the brakes but recovers quite quickly and continues on his way. Two turns further he comes across the same Ferrari totalled against a tree. He stops and gets out to take a closer look, and realizes the driver is dead.

After recovering from his initial shock, Paddy remembers his friend the surgeon and the procedure. He looks around, but it is Sunday and the road is really deserted, so he quickly takes out his pocket knife, carefully removes the guy’s eye, wraps it in his clean hanky, and for good measure, takes out his glass eye and pops it into the dead man’s eyesocket. Even the shade corresponds – they won’t know. He pockets the live eye and makes off to hospital as fast as he dares to drive, alerting his friend en route.

The neurosurgeon is waiting for him at the door, and he is instantly wheeled in and prepared for theatre. Two hours later he comes too but his eyes have been blindfolded. His friend the doctor informs him that the blindfold will come off the next morning, but that the eye must rest for now.

The next morning comes, and they remove the blindfold. It’s like magic! The eye works! Paddy for the first time in many years enjoys binocular vision. He easily completes the exercises his surgeon friend gives him to test the eye’s functionality, and everything is operational. The doctor tells him that he needs to read something to check if he gets migraines, and hands him that morning’s paper. Paddy browses through it until he finds this headline:

“Police flummoxed. Driver with two glass eyes dies crashing his car.”

 

Little boy goes to school for his first time. The teacher asks the child in front of him: “What’s your name, little girl?”
“Jenny.”
“Welcome, Jenny! And you, little boy?” (the kid on Jenny’s right.)
“Paul.”
“Welcome, Paul! And what about you?”
The little boy answers, “Wagonwheel.”

The teacher is not amused. “You know, if an adult asks you a decent question, you should give a decent answer! Now, what is your name?”
“Wagonwheel,” repeats Wagonwheel bravely.
The teacher is very angry. He gives Wagonwheel a spanking. “See, children, what you get for disrespect?” And he sends Wagonwheel home.

Wagonwheel’s little brother comes running the moment he comes home.
“How was school? How was school?”
Wagonwheel shakes his head sadly.
“Ooh, you’re gonna be in for it, Chickenshit.”

Another Joke

Two tough boys came to stay with their uncle who was going to “straighten them out.  The first night at supper, Uncle Joe asked, “Johnny, what would you like?”

“Gimme some o’ that there G– D— chicken.”

Whomp!  Uncle Joe knocked him up beside the head.

“Now, what do you want, George?”

George looked at him big-eyed. “Well, you can bet your sweet ass I don’t want none o’ that G– D— chicken!”

Ask Auntie Linda July 23, 2015

Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda, I am dating a cool guy. The problem is his sister Lulu, who I just can’t stand.  She is very dependent on him, has no social life of her own, and always wants to go everywhere with us since she has no friends of her own.  None of my friends like her.  She is kind of dumpy, doesn’t dress well, and talks about books and school too much.  Steve looks great, but I am embarrassed to be seen with Lulu.  How do I get him to lose her?  Too Cool for Lulu

Dear Too Cool,  I have a great idea.  Ditch them both!  They need you like a hole in the head.  Steve does sound like a great guy.  Auntie Linda

Dear Auntie Linda  My sister is a moocher.  She lives just around the corner.  She’s always dropping by just as I set my kids down for a meal.  This wouldn’t be a problem except she never takes care of their lunches herself.  I don’t mind feeding them, but it takes time to put more lunches out and clean up after.  She often asks me to pick up milk or fruit at the store, but never gets around to paying for it.  She drops her kids off several times a week and never gets back when she says she will.  It’s exhausting having two extra little ones all afternoon, especially with one in diapers and one potty training.  I’m afraid to let her keep mine because she lets the kids run wild.  What do I do? Used up!

Dear Used.  Tell Sis.  “Here’s the peanut butter.  Fix your kids a sandwich!  Clean that mess up.  I didn’t take you to raise”  About the milk and babysitting, “Nope, can’t do it!” Don’t worry about her feelings.  She hasn’t worried about yours.  Auntie Linda

Joke

bear cartoon

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

True Love

imageJerry and JoEllen had been childhood sweethearts.  He had Cystic Fibrosis but did really well. He and JoEllen drifted apart while he was in college. JoElllen had left an abusive husband and was struggling to raise two toddlers on her own by the time they reconnected.   He was well-established at his engineering firm and anxious to offer JoEllen and her boys a solid life.

Things were going well for them.  They were buying a house and planning a wedding when Jerry became jaundiced.  He was found to be in acute liver failure as a result of his long and complicated medical history.   I met them when it was my privilege to be  his nurse.  JoEllen never left his side if she didn’t have to. They were such a loving couple.  It was heartbreaking to know their future together couldn’t be too long.

When it was obvious Jerry was becoming rapidly worse, they made arrangements to get a marriage license so they could marry before his death.  They were married just a day or so before Jerry died, but not before he was able to make sure JoEllen and “his” boys would be well taken care of.

Vagina, Boobs, and Poop (Part 9)

Reblog Part 9 of a 12 part series!

lbeth1950's avatarNutsrok

surpriseThis post has nothing to do with Vagina, Boobs, and Poop.  I am doing a post on crazy things my mother has said and done and wanted to see if this garnered interest.  Mother is sensitive about her age and height, so I can’t mention the fact that she is past eighty, and “not tall,” but besides that, has said and done some interesting things.   (Links to part 1-8 below)

View original post 774 more words