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Super Granny |
Wouldn’t you love to be this feisty | |
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An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, “I have a gun and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car you scumbags!” She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5′ tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed. |
Pirate Joke
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch. “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?” asks the sailor. “I was swept overboard in a storm,” says the pirate.
“A shark bit off me whole leg.”
“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about the hook?”
“We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut me 
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “And the eye patch?” “A seagull dropping fell in me eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?”
Said the pirate.
“It was the first day with the hook.”
Ask Auntie Linda July 22, 2015
Dear Auntie Linda, I am at my wit’s end. I am a hairdresser, and believe me, I work hard and need every cent. The problem is, one of my best clients has horrible breath. I get faint holding my breath while I wax her eyebrows and lip. She is such a sweet lady. I wouldn’t hurt her feelings for anything and frankly, I have to have the money. She is in at least every two weeks. My budget is tight. How can I tip her off without hurting her feeling? Failing Fast
Dear Failing, Well, if you don’t want to come right out and ask if she’s been chewing her socks again, you might subtly do what my hairdresser does. She keeps mints on her table and takes one herself every time she starts to do my hair and offers me one. I wouldn’t dare not take one. I’ve never had the nerve to see if she offers one to anybody else, but now that you brought this up, next time I think I’ll hide and watch. Auntie Linda
Dear Auntie Linda, I don’t have a dog and have never had any particular desire to have dog poop in my yard. Every time my daughter comes to visit, she lets her dog poop in my yard and doesn’t clean up after him. I am tired of cleaning up behind her dog. How do I get her to stop? Pooped out
Dear Pooped, If you don’t want to come right out and tell her, drop a gentle hint. Scoop up the poop, hand her the bag, and tell her she forgot something. Should you not want to discuss it, just put the bag in her purse or car. That should do it. Auntie Linda
Auntie Linda
Babies and More Babies
I 
I was I was eight years old when my whole world changed. Mother had a baby. Never having been much interested in babies, this one seemed like a waste of time. Life was far better before the baby. Mother was nicer; not constantly carping about being tired. She’d also gotten incredibly lazy, now expecting me to fold towels, dust, and clear my own dishes from the table. I hadn’t minded the first time or two, especially when she thanked me so effusively, but when it became obvious she expected it to be a regular thing, I was disgusted.
Not only that, Mother went on and on about how much things cost now. It made no sense that before the baby, there had always been plenty of money for cowboy boots, the ice cream man, and trips to Grandma’s. Now we were poor. She got her stupid baby and now I got nothing.
Eventually, Connie started playing and I loved her Before too long, Mother got the pathetic mopes again. She got lazier than ever, sat around with her feet up or took to her bed for hours at a time, sometimes even crying a little. In desperation, Daddy even hired a lady to help out. I loved Miss Annie, but she seemed a lot more interested in Connie than me. Mother did nothing but lie around and play with Connie, till she she started sewing. She bragged to her friend one day that she’d hand-made and embroidered eight baby dresses. My jealousy alarm went off.
”
“Mother, make something for me.” I had no use for dainty embroidered dresses, but surely she could come up with something!
“You’re too bigI can’t handmake anything for you.”
I made a point to be crushed, devastated by her selfishness, going out to pout as long as I could manage it. Fortunately, I had a short attention span and soon got lost in play. The next day, Mother had Marilyn. By this time, I knew babies quickly got cute, so I loved her from the start.
..
Vagina, Boobs, and Poop (Part 8)
Reblog Part 8 of a 12 part series
This post has nothing to do with Vagina, Boobs, and Poop. I am doing a post on crazy things my mother has said and done and wanted to see if this garnered interest. Mother is sensitive about her age and height, so I can’t mention the fact that she is past eighty, and “not tall,” but besides that, has said and done some interesting things. (Links to part 1-5 below)
View original post 497 more words
Vagina, Boobs, and Poop (Part 7)
Reblog post #7 of a 12 part series
This post has nothing to do with Vagina, Boobs, and Poop. I am doing a post on crazy things my mother has said and done and wanted to see if this garnered interest. Mother is sensitive about her age and height, so I can’t mention the fact that she is past eighty, and “not tall,” but besides that, has said and done some interesting things. (Links to part 1-5 below)
View original post 692 more words
Snips, Snails, and Puppy Dog Tails!
Have a boy or know one? Useful information!
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR’s do not eject “PB &J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:
a) For those with no children – this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control
Joke
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies, “I’m Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Then it’s the minister’s turn. He stands up tall and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s Church, for the last forty-three years.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
Why, How can this be?”
Saint Peter, looks to the preacher and says,
“Up here, we work by results,”
“While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed.”
Ask Auntie Linda July 20, 2015
Dear Auntie Linda,
I liked your post. I wish I could write like you and offer the type of advice you give. Can you help? My blog is about myself – I know not much about other things to blog about -so I try to blog about me. I started off the blog to get myself out of a life low- a year back. Now I am on my feet and well on the way to flying. My blog will not show the real me but will be a reflection of who I am in my real life. When I am lazy or overwhelmed, I visit the blogs of others and try to read, understand and write a comment in their comment section- so I do keep writing everyday, even though you might not see a daily post from me on my blog page.
Visit my blog at susieshy45@wordpress.com
Susie
Dear Susie, I am glad you enjoy my blog. I love your,too. I hope folks check it out. First of all, I am 64 and have probably either made or seen more messes than you have. Writing is really no more than talking. If you can talk, or listen, you can write. I watch what is going on around me all the time. Even if it’s not wildly interesting, it often reminds me of something that is. I make a point to write everyday, for just a few minutes at first. Now I am addicted. Everything I see is fodder for writing! I don’t trash what doesn’t satisfy me. Most often, I go back and finish when I’ve given it time to take on a life of its own. Also, when I was a kid, I stayed in trouble all the time for being thoughtless and rowdy. I heard enough lectures and advice, all I have to do is backtrack a little.
For example, here’s a freebie:
“If you’re not going to use you head for thinking, you might as well be alike on both ends.” courtesy of my father. I always particularly hated that one. You are welcome to it!
Nutsrok 