The Real Story
Three men were shipwrecked on a desert island and where captured by the local natives. They were brought to the chief native. The chief gave the men two choices; they could have death or submit to unga bunga. The first man decides he does not want to die, so he chooses unga bunga. Ten of the natives took him into the woods, when he came back one hour later he was all beaten up. The second man chooses unga bunga and he was taken out the woods for 2 hours where the natives beat him up. The third man not wanting to go through all that torture decided upon death. So the chief said ok death by Unga Bunga	It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars. Mommy Bear points her finger through the door from the kitchen and yells, “For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mommy Bear who got up first. I Am Out of  Here It was Mommy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mommy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mommy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mommy Bear who set the table. It was Mommy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat’s water and food dish. And now that you’ve decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence … listen good because I’m only going to say this one more time … I haven’t made the stupid porridge yet!!”

Chocolate is a vegetable. How, you ask? Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

Only eat things that have been broken into pieces; that way, all the calories fall out.

Cookie pieces contain no fat — the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

But the doughnut was calling my name.

But it was my birthday, so I had to eat the whole cake.

I had to get the bitter taste out of my mouth from eating the so-called dish, so I had an ice cream.

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate her with four or five cupcakes.

The advantage of exercising everyday is that you die healthier.

A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time and is feeling a bit ill at ease, so he reaches over and fiddles with an odd vase while he’s standing there. 

He says “What’s this?”

She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”

He says, “Jeez…oooh….I…”

She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.

A little boy was stirring a bucket of manure and water together.  A fireman came by and asked, “What are you doing, little fellow, making manure pies?”

“Nope, A fireman,” he replied.

“Ah ha ha!”  laughed the fireman, and watched as a policeman walked up.

“What are you making, little guy, manure pies?” The policeman asked.

“Nope, A policeman,” and the little boy.

“Ah ha ha!” laughed both the fireman and policeman and waited as a cowboy walked up.

“What are you doing, buddy, making manure pies?” he asked.

“Nope.  Making a fireman and a policeman,” he explained.

The cowboy laughed hysterically and the fireman and policeman pulled long faces.

“Now wait a minute?” said the fireman and policeman.  “Why aren’t you making a cowboy?”

“Because I don’t have enough manure,” answered the little boy.

An engineer dies and goes to the gates of the heaven. He is told by the guard, “Ah, you’re an engineer. You are in the wrong place.”

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way.” I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo. Zebra was was getting older, so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals.
She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “Hi! I’m a zebra, what are you?”

Cow said “I’m a cow”.

Zebra asked “Oh totally, and what do you do?”.

“I make milk for the farmer” said the cow.

“Wow. Cool. Amazing” The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. “Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?”

“I’m a chicken,” said the chicken.

“Oh, right, what do you do?” asked the zebra.

“I make eggs for the farmer.” said the chicken.

“Right – oh wow! Great! See you around.” Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?”

“I am a Stallion,” said the stallion.

“Wow, cool.” said the zebra. “What do you do?”

“Take off your pajamas darling, and I’ll show you.”

A redhead, a brunett, and a blond stand at the bottom of a staircase. There are 1000 steps.
The owner says: “I will tell a joke every 10 steps. to reach the top, you must not laugh.”
The redhead got to the 320th step and then laughed. The brunett got to the 900th step and laughed. The blond got to the 967th step and then laughed.
The owner says: “why are you laughing? I didn’t say a joke.”
The blond says: “I just got the first one.”

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.

A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

The priest asks, “What did you do?”

The woman says, “I committed adultery.”

Priest, “How many times?”

Woman, “Three times.”

Priest, “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Priest, “What did you do?”

Man, “I committed adultery.”

Priest, “How many times?”

Man, “Three times.”

Priest, “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Rabbi, “What did you do?”

Woman, “I committed adultery.”

Rabbi, “How many times?”

Woman, “Once.”

Rabbi, “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is “Huntin”.

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflage.

1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.

The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the owner said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.

Everyone looked on in amazement as the owner handed over the prize and asked, “What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?”

“No” the man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

A Scotsman, drinking in a Havana bar, saw a man with a large black beard enter. He ordered a drink, the bartender served him, he drank it, and then started to leave.

The bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for that drink?”

The man said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!” and walked out.

A few minutes later, the Scotsman saw another man with a large black beard enter, order a drink, drink it, and start to leave. The bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for that?”

The man said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!” and walked out.

When the Scotsman finished his drink, he started to leave and the bartender said, “Hey! Aren’t you going to pay for those drinks?”

The Scotsman said, “Excuse me? Castro’s Army!”

Oh my gosh, did you get the license number of the woman who ran you over?”

“Where’s your black beard?”

The quick thinking Scotsman hoisted up his kilt and said, “Secret Service!”

Oh my gosh, did you get the license number of the woman who ran you over?”

“No, but I’d recognize that laugh anywhere.”

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”
The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”
Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”
The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”
The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”
The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.” So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”
The old man said, “I thought it was gas – but I was wrong, too!”

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress’s there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.