humor

Joke

The retired railroad engineer didn’t have a lot going on, so he got in the habit of going to the movies into the afternoon.  In fact, in one movie the bad guys were chasing the cowboy in the white hat when the train came by and separated them, letting  him get away.  He saw that one nine times.  When he went to buy his tenth ticket, the ticket seller asked him why he wanted to see it again.

“I’ve worked for the railroad for forty years.  I know that sooner or later that train’s gonna be late and I want to see what happens.”

Joke

image

“Hey Oldtimer, have you lived here all your life?”

“Nope, not yet.”

The Trouble With Syrup

imageI didn’t like having syrup for breakfast on school mornings when I was a little kid since I was was lazy about washing up afterwards.  In class, my papers stuck to me all morning till I went out at recess.  Then I usually romped around and came back in with dirt sticking to the syrupy patches.  Either way, I lost.

Girl’s Night Out

Bill 2image imageimage I am very fortunate to come from a close family with three sisters and one brother.  The girls get together periodically for a girl’s night out.  For some reason, my brother, bows out on our girl’s night out.  We gathered this time in honor of Mother’s birthday and Mother’s Day.  In the second picture back left is me , 2nd daughter, back right, Phyllis eldest daughter, bottom left Mother, bottom center, Connie 4th daughter, bottom right Marilyn the youngest. In the third picture, Mother is reacting to being kissed by Marilyn’s little dog.My brother Bill is pictured with my Mother in the top picture. In the fourth picture, a dear family friend, Elaine, joins us.  We had a wonderful night, laughed till we were exhausted, and enjoyed every minute together.

Things Mothers Do

imageI miss all the things my mother used to do for me. Even though she had to get up to a freezing house at five-thirty in winter to do it, she always had a hot breakfast on the table when we got up, usually hot biscuits, eggs, fresh milk, homemade jam or preserves, and either grits or oatmeal.  Like most kids, I didn’t want it, but she insisted. “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!”  After the whirlwind of getting the older  Continue reading →

Buzzy the Barbarian

imageMy dog Buzzy weighs twenty-five pounds.  Twenty-five nipple-stomping,bladder-compressing, and according to some sources scrotum-squashing pounds.  I don’t know how or why he does this, but if he catches one of us stretched out on the sofa, he makes a bee-line for our recumbent body, leaping on our tenderest portions joyously.  I don’t know how he’s lived this long, except that by the time we’ve recovered, he’s moved on. He looks sweet, but he’s a killer.

A Rose by any Other Name

teacherWhen the little girl started first grade, the teacher asked her name.

“Happy Butt.”

“Happy Butt. That’s not a name.  Let me check my records.”  She checked her records and came back.  “You’re name is Gladys, not Happy Butt!”

“Glad Ass, Happy Butt.  Same thing!”

Mothers Day Pinto

Mother was a slow learner.  It took her forever to learn that Daddy was not the thoughtful kind of guy who would ever surprise her with lovely gifts and gestures.  He was more the kind of guy who felt sorry for himself when she got her feelings hurt or got mad.  After all, he was pretty sure he’d gotten her something last year, for her birthday or Christmas, one or the other.  What had she done with that eggbeater?

This year was going to be different.  Virgil Hughes had a nice Pinto horse.  It was a good deal since it “wasn’t broke” yet.  Nobody really wanted it since it stomped Euless and broke his leg, but Daddy was sure he could make a fine riding horse out of it.  Kathleen was scared of horses, but she’d get over that.  If she didn’t, he’d ride it.  Daddy stopped off on the way home from work the Friday before Mother’s Day to pick it up.  It was kicking the side rails when he pulled in.  He called Mother out to see her beautiful Pinto and she hit the ceiling.  “Of all the things I need, you come bringing in a horse.  We need another useless animal to feed like I need a hole in the head.”  She stormed in, furious.

Daddy stomped off, putting the horse in the pasture.  “Kathleen didn’t appreciate anything he did for her.  It would be a cold day in Hell before he brought her anything else!

Happy Mother’s Day!

The Moral of the Story is………..

Free BirdThree missionaries went to a remote island in the Pacific.  A stream divided the island.  Their predecessors advised them. “Never,ever cross that stream.  The monstrous Foo Bird patrols that side of the island.  Should you cross that stream, the Foo Bird will poop on you.  The smell is horrendous.  It never wears off.  If you wash it off, you will die.”

Naturally, the missionaries were burning with Christian Zeal.  The first thing they did was cross the stream to spread the message.  Sure enough, the Foo Bird pooped on as they stepped out of the stream.  The first missionary rushed back into the stream to wash it off.  He died on the spot as the other two watched in amazement.

About a week later, the smell was just as bad.  The two were constantly nauseated.  The second missionary couldn’t take it anymore.  He waded into the stream for a bath.  He died.

The third missionary suffered five long years till he decided life just wasn’t worth living like this.  He’d have to wash this poop off, even if it killed him.  He waded in and died.

The moral of the story is, if the Foo sh–ts, wear it!