You’re Gonna Die! Joke

imageMany years ago two hunters were tromping through the the woods when one had to answer the call of nature.  Joe hurried behind a tree and dropped his pants.  Just as he squatted to do his business, a rattlesnake struck him in his most tender nether portion.  “Help! Help! Mike,go get help!” Continue reading

The Incredible Tale of Uncle Albert’s Tale

man with a tailWhy in the world did Daddy ever tell us Uncle Albert had a tail if we couldn’t ask questions or ask to see it?  The next few times I saw him, I followed him around, hoping his pants would fall down.  He was emaciated as only an eighty-five year-old life-long smoker can be.  It seemed like a real possibility.  For a while, every time I was around him, whenever Continue reading

Where in the Hell Did He Hear That”

cute little boyBoth of my kids talked early.  That can be a curse.  When my son was about twenty months old, we’d been pursuing mice in our house.  He never got there in time to see them.  One wonderful day, he found one that had fallen and drowned in the commode.  He came ripping out to share the thrilling news, then made the following remark, “I’ve been wanting to see a mouse for many years, and finally found one in the bammode.(commode)  That son of a bitch!”

Footloose and Fancy Free (Part 3)

breastBobo’s old truck rattled in one Saturday about four. White-headed kids in overalls piled out of the back, their bare feet kicking up a dust. Fishing poles dangled out of the truck bed. Grinning, Bobo slung a stringer of bream over his shoulder. Inez slid out of the front seat, wagging a newborn and helping her twin toddlers slide to the ground. One was diapered, Continue reading

Footloose and Fancyfree (Part 2)

Even though the occasion of Bobo and Inez’s marriage preceeded my birth by a few days, Mother has told me the story so often, I feel I was there. Bobo showed up with his bride just hours after they married. No doubt, he was proud of her. He was twenty-seven; she, fifteen and visibly pregnant. Now, he’d be arrested. Quite a buxom lass, she was lovely. Continue reading

Footloose and Fancy-Free (Part 1)

Boba and kids

Cousin Bobo was footloose and fancy-free, unperturbed by the economic responsibilities of four children in three years. He doted on his child-bride, Inez, living quite happily with her and their family in an old unpainted, farm house on her mama’s place. Despite his aversion to a regular work schedule, he and Inez managed fine. There was no power to the house, so no bills, the wood stove and fireplace sufficing for heat and cooking. The house was abandoned when they moved in, so he tacked wire over the open windows to keep varmints out, shuttering the windows for bad weather. Mama was real proud he did the right thing and married Inez, so she wasn’t about to stir up trouble, especially after the young’uns started coming. Bobo plowed and planted Mama’s garden, later helping get the peas picked and corn cut. Except for the few days he spent plowing, and cutting firewood, he fished and hunted every day. He happily peddled watermelons and turnip greens out of his old ’49 Ford Truck. They never ran short of game or fish. Sometimes he’d help a neighbor butcher a beef or hog, bringing in extra meat. He wasn’t averse to helping family with a little painting or carpentry work from time to time, as long as it was understood that his labor included a few days’s hospitality for his family. He kept Mama’s freezer full. That along with Mama’s chickens and eggs, the cow’s milk and butter kept them going just fine. Getting clothes for the kids wasn’t a challenge. Inez was the youngest of six spectacularly fertile sisters. Their cousin’s hand-me-downs were plentiful. All those little blonde tykes lined up in overalls year round was awe-inspiring. Most of the time, they wore shirts under their overalls in winter. Plenty of old tennis shoes lay casually around, should any of the kids decide they needed footwear. Some even had mates. Size wasn’t an issue. Should a shoe be too big, it worked fine to slide-style and let it flop. The kids weren’t partial to shoes anyway, unless they were picking around in a trash dump with old cans or broken glass. Strings were scarce, but I never noticed anybody complaining.

I loved it when Bobo, Inez, and the kids showed up. Mother wasn’t always so enthusiastic, figuring they had run out of groceries and needed a place to roost for a few days. They did seem more likely to show up in bad weather, when a warm house was helpful. Sometimes they’d stay a few days with this relative, a few with that one, moving one before the tension got too thick. Mother complained about relatives giving them gas money to help them down the road to their next hosts.  I know I saw her slip Inez a little of her grocery money once, after Daddy went to work.  They moved on.  We ate gravy and biscuits till Daddy got paid the next Thursday.

to be continued

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner

winner-winner-chicken-dinner

I won!  I won!

My daughter told my joke to the guy who developed Viagra.  He said it was the best one he’d heard.  (I wonder if he said that to everybody?)

A fellow shuffled into the drug story, asking his pharmacist.  “Do you have Viagra?”

“Sure do!”

“Can you get it over the counter?”

“Maybe, if I take two!”

You a teacher an’ you don’t know…..

image

Johnny gave a big snort, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

Disgusted, his teacher sought to shame him.  “Johnny, what’s that on you sleeve?

“He looked at her coldly.  “You a teacher an’ you been to college an’ you don’t know what snot is?”

Order Anything You Like, Chubby!

Mother at BreakfastI took Mother for her routine checkup this morning.  Her heart, lungs, vital signs, and weight were perfect.  In fact, at one hundred twenty-seven pounds, she weighs one pound less than when she married.  She’s in great shape for a sixty-year-old, absolutely phenomenal for a lady well-past eighty.  She’d had to fast for her lab, so she was ravenously hungry.  I pulled in to the nearest restaurant to get her some breakfast, in the interest of survival.  I think I have mentioned before, she is very tight, as well as Continue reading