joke

Joke of the Day

doctor: Do you have trouble holding your urine?

patient: Yes.  It keeps running through my fingers.

Get Your Kicks Where You Can

imageA senior couple came out of a coffee shop on Memorial Day to find an officer putting a ticket on a car whose meter had expired.  Irate the man accosted him, “You Nazi Turd! Don’t you have any respect for yor elders.”  The officer coolly wrote a second ticket for worn tires.

His wife jumped in, “You dog, if you didn’t have on that uniform, you wouldn’t have the nerve to face a real man.”

The insults continued on for several minutes, with the officer writing several more tickets till a bus pulled up to the corner and the elderly couple boarded.

Howdy! Joke of the Day

imageOld Joe had been out drinking late again and his wife had had enough of it.  She got herself a devil costume and was waiting for him whenhe came in.

She jumped out from the shadows, grabbed him and said, “I got you now!  I’m the Devil.”

He stuck out his hand and said, ” Well, hello, kinfolks.  I married your sister!”

Joke of the Day

It was the young man’s first day on the job.  He was working up a storm, getting papers filed, answering the phone, just doing everything that came his way.  The boss was impressed.

“You’re doing a great job young fella.  Where’d you learned to work like that?”

“Yale!”

“That’s wonderful.  I can see you’re going to go far with us.  What’s your name?”

“Yimmy Yackson.”

Joke of the day

imageJoe never studied his Sunday School lesson and Miss Tillie decided to shame him a little.

“Joe, did you study your lesson?”

“Yess’um.” Continue reading →

Joke

The retired railroad engineer didn’t have a lot going on, so he got in the habit of going to the movies into the afternoon.  In fact, in one movie the bad guys were chasing the cowboy in the white hat when the train came by and separated them, letting  him get away.  He saw that one nine times.  When he went to buy his tenth ticket, the ticket seller asked him why he wanted to see it again.

“I’ve worked for the railroad for forty years.  I know that sooner or later that train’s gonna be late and I want to see what happens.”

Joke

image

“Hey Oldtimer, have you lived here all your life?”

“Nope, not yet.”

A Rose by any Other Name

teacherWhen the little girl started first grade, the teacher asked her name.

“Happy Butt.”

“Happy Butt. That’s not a name.  Let me check my records.”  She checked her records and came back.  “You’re name is Gladys, not Happy Butt!”

“Glad Ass, Happy Butt.  Same thing!”

The Moral of the Story is………..

Free BirdThree missionaries went to a remote island in the Pacific.  A stream divided the island.  Their predecessors advised them. “Never,ever cross that stream.  The monstrous Foo Bird patrols that side of the island.  Should you cross that stream, the Foo Bird will poop on you.  The smell is horrendous.  It never wears off.  If you wash it off, you will die.”

Naturally, the missionaries were burning with Christian Zeal.  The first thing they did was cross the stream to spread the message.  Sure enough, the Foo Bird pooped on as they stepped out of the stream.  The first missionary rushed back into the stream to wash it off.  He died on the spot as the other two watched in amazement.

About a week later, the smell was just as bad.  The two were constantly nauseated.  The second missionary couldn’t take it anymore.  He waded into the stream for a bath.  He died.

The third missionary suffered five long years till he decided life just wasn’t worth living like this.  He’d have to wash this poop off, even if it killed him.  He waded in and died.

The moral of the story is, if the Foo sh–ts, wear it!