During World War II, the Army had soldiers doing maneuvers in the woods near Aunt Mary and Uncle Willie’s house in Sibley. Aunt Mary had been raving about the sex-crazed GIs running wild in the woods thereabouts, probably more to keep her girls in line than anything else. She wouldn’t even let them go to the toilet or hang clothes on the line by themselves. They always had to do everything three at a time. It must have been lovely crowding three girls in a two hole toilet on a hot day. God knows, one of them couldn’t have stood outside alone and unprotected.
At any rate, due to Aunt Mary’s unrelenting vigilance, her three terrified girls had remained chaste and unmolested by the lusty soldiers. One hot August afternoon, Aunt Mary broke her own rule and slipped out to the toilet alone for a little personal time. Just as she settled her generous bottom on the wooden seat, she disturbed some nose-blind red wasps building a home over the stinking quagmire of human refuse below. The offended wasps couldn’t resist the tempting target she presented and launched a viscious attack on her tender nether portions.
Aunt Mary burst out of the toilet, shrieking in pain and shock, peeing herself while trying to run with her drawers around her ankles. Bursting through the screen door to the back porch rubbing her wounds, with tears running down her face, she shrieked at her terrified girls, “There were six of ’em. They got me when I went to the toilet!”
Assuming she’d been accosted by the fearsome soldiers she’d warned against so often, all thee girls ran down the road, screaming for the neighbors to come to their rescue. Even though poor Aunt Mary was in no condition for company, very soon she had plenty!
My favorite days in my Southern Baptist upbringing were “Dinner on the Grounds” after church. On these rare and glorious days, all the women brought their finest dishes to be spread out on picnic tables, or in earlier times, tablecloths or quilts on the church lawn. Competition was fierce to be recognized as the best of the best. People strolled among the entrees, choosing foods that looked the tastiest.
Fried chicken was the most popular offering but the aroma of mouth-watering meatloaf beckoned the hungry. Chicken and dumplings tempted ravenous worshippers. Huge bowls of potato salad, greens, and homegrown green beans with slabs of bacon made a show. Squash casseroles, sliced homegrown tomatoes, cucumbers, homemade pickles of all kinds, and sliced onions tempted the adults. No self-respecting kid would have wasted stomach room on vegetables when there was fried chicken and dessert to be had. Of course, there was homemade rolls, biscuits, and cornbread to be slathered with butter.
Dessert tempted even the pickiest eater: chocolate, coconut, pineapple upside down cake and pound cake vied for attention. Tables groaned under the weight of lemon meringue, chocolate, apple, and sweet potato pies. There might even be a mock-apple pie. Finally, there might be homemade vanilla or peach ice-cream, the favorite dessert of them all.
After lunch, men congregated to discuss farming, fishing, or politics. The women gathered around picnic tables to discreetly nurse or rock their babies while gossiping or discussing their husbands or children. Of course, dresses and babies were admired. They might tacitly calculate the date a new wife’s baby was due. This could be discussed at leisure at morning coffee with friends later in the week.
Hysterically happy children ripped about the churchyard and cemetery after dinner. Initially, parents tried to curb them but usually gave up and let them race about as the heavy lunch took its toll on parental energy. There would be howling kids and skinned knees as the afternoon dragged on. By the time clean up was complete, play weary children’s whining and irritability made it clear that the festivities were nearing their end. Women promised to exchange dress patterns and recipes while men said their farewells. A wonderful afternoon would be at its end.
A man buys a robot that slaps people when they tell a lie.
He decides to test it on his family at dinner that night.
The man asked his son, “Son, what did you do after school today?”
The son replied, “Oh, I just did some homework” and the robot slapped the son.
The son said, “Okay I actually watched a movie with my friends”.
The father asked, “What was the movie?”
The son said, “Star Wars, Episode 5”. The robot slapped the son. The son stammered “Okay it was Showgirls”.
The father laughed, “Ugh, I would never watch movies like that”. The robot slapped the dad.
The mom laughed, “He certainly is your son”. The robot slapped the mom.
Don’t lie to the cops
Man gets pulled over by the police.
“Sir have you been drinking?”
“Yes. 7 beers, 5 shots of tequila and about 4 glasses of wine.”
“I’m going to ask you to take this breathalizer test.”
“What! You don’t believe me?”
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s really good – I haven’t got any kids!”
I lied about my age
A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!
Friend: “How did she marry you?”
Billionaire: “I lied about my age!”
Friend: “You said 45?”
Billionaire: “No! I told her I was 90”
Horrible lie
The preacher rose with a red face. “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!”
No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!”
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a ‘drop dead’ gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.”
Sixteen year-old Stephanie worked at the local Acme Supermarket. She wasn’t working there to earn enough for a cell phone or save for a car. Her father had died of suicide a year ago. Along with their heartbreak, the family was left impoverished since his life insurance didn’t pay off.
Her mother worked at the local garment factory at a low wage and took her eleven year-old twins with her to clean a couple of houses on Saturdays. She also drew social security.
Stephanie had great sympathy for other struggling families. In her misguided sympathy, she sometimes didn’t scan some of their groceries. One day the suspicious manager caught her.
Ben and Kelly had been married seven years with three children. He was a CPA with a large firm, a very lucrative position. Kelly was a registered nurse. Kelly had to work alternate weekends so she wasn’t as involved in church activities as Ben. One day he announced to Kelly that he intended to leave home s CPA position, attend seminary, and become a minister.
Finish the story:
I got several very different but interesting responses. Can you relate to any of theses?
What the hell Ben, you’re Catholic and Catholic priests can’t be married, Ben replied I said minister not priest, I don’t intend on telling them I’m Catholic, so you’re going to become a minister in a different religion and just not tell them you’re Catholic and attend mass weekly are you going to continue to go to mass? Ben took a deep breathe and said yes I will continue to go to mass, Kelly just looked at him like he was out of his mind, which he must be unless this is some kind of joke. Yes Kelly thought this is some kind of joke he can’t be serious, so I will play along. Ok if this is what you truly want I will support you.
So when will you be going off to the what did you call it a seminary and how long will you be gone and do they pay you while you are there learning how to be a minister?
Ben said he didn’t know he was going to find out more the next day, Kelly said ok just let me know and do we have to sell the house and do you get a car like you did with the job you had because you can’t drive mine, I need it.
Ben looked confused and said let me find out more and we will talk about it later. Thinking to himself what the hell and I getting myself into.
Anyone know what comes next………
It never occurred to me they might be Catholic! What a twist!…..
Kelly was stunned to say the least. She knew with Ben as a CPA and her as a nurse they could live a very lucrative life. She told Ben that perhaps he should rethink his decision, after all she said, we could donate more financially to the church if you continue on as a CPA and the church could really use the funds. “Ben” she said, “please rethink this. You can keep on volunteering and you could even get a little more involved in the church. Become a assistant pastor.”
“I can’t do that Kelly, God has called me to a higher calling.”
“But all the years of schooling you’ve already done. What about our dreams to buy our forever home? What about having children and traveling? You becoming the coach of little league? What about our dreams?” Kelly asked as she held the tears from overtaking her.
“Kelly, I have to do this. I understand if you want a different life, but I am committed to the church and to God.”
‘I am too Kelly shouted! I am too. I just don’t know if I want to be a preachers wife. This is something that never entered my mind. Lots of great and amazing people attend church and are involved, but they don’t all throw away their careers and lives to become preachers.”
“My mind is made up Kelly, I’m doing this.”
“Well Ben, I sure do hope they can teach you there in that seminary school that when you are a married man, you don’t just make life altering decisions without talking to your spouse. I hope they teach you that as a husband you need to consider your wife’s feelings and work together in coming to a place you both want to be. I hope they teach you that you can still give your all to God and the church without being a pastor or minister.”
Ben thought about what Kelly was saying. He looked at her and he began to cry. Ben took her in his arms and begged her to forgive him. They fell to their knees and Ben began to pray out loud pleading for God to hear his prayer and to give him guidance. Ben petitioned God in prayer and he thanked Him for the blessing that was right in front of him, his wife Kelly.
It was in that moment that Kelly took Ben’s face in her hands and in the most loving voice told him, “follow the path that God lays out for you, no matter what that path is. I will support you and stand by you. I love you.”
At first I think she was in shock. She didn’t understand his desire because she worked and didn’t attend church with him. Hopefully she accepted it after much discussion with him
Kelly slapped him across the face, what does he think he’s doing making a life change of that magnitude which affects the kids without discussing. Then she asked him to sit down and explain his plan, where is the money coming from, how is he going to replace the missed income, does he plan to go to school out of state and who the hell is going to help with the kids. Whne Ben could not answer a single question, Kelly said the plan was on hold and that he can start to get a feel of what giving your life to the church is like by volunteering twice a week. I like strong smart women!
Kelly rightly informed Ben that her salary alone woul not be enough to support their family and she could not do more hours without the family suffering. She asked that Ben reconsider his change of job only when the children were no longer dependant and thre was no oustanding mortgage on their property. At that time she said she’s be more in a position to support his move to the Ministry. Ben agreed that his timing was perhaps not right and would delay any decision until their children no longer needed his financial imput and their education was complete. He would continue to offfer support to his church at his current level until a change was viable.
I loved all these responses. It’s interesting how everyone sees the situation differently. I would have had a hard time being supportive of supportive of a husband choosing to go into the ministry. I don’t think any man interested in the ministry would want me as a partner. Lots of times I’m the last to know what’s about to come out of my mouth. I’d probably get us both tarred and feathered.
These are all wonderful writers. Please click on links to check out their sites. Thanks to all of you.
I’ve gotten many questions about grits. Grits are a hot cereal, made from treating field corn with a lye process. Afterward, the grits are simmered, served as a breakfast cereal with butter and maybe sugar and milk. At our house, we spoon grits over eggs. (no sugar or milk) One of the most succulent and delicious dishes on this planet is Shrimp and Grits. If you ever see it on the menu at a coastal restaurant in the South or Southeast, order it, no matter who laughs at you. Be prepared to guard it with your life when it gets to the table. Everybody who laughed when you ordered will want a bite when they see how happy you are. Let them suffer!
Another regional favorite is Hog’s Head Cheese. Farm kids learn early, it’s best not to be friends with a pig you plan to butcher. This delicacy has nothing to do with cheese and everything to do with a hog’s head. It is very simple to prepare, for those of you who are already smacking your lips. The next time you butcher a hog, save the head. Scald it in boiling, soapy water before scrubbing and scraping off the whiskers. With your fingers, pry the eyeballs out, taking care not to rupture them. That is extremely disagreeable and makes it harder to get the membranes out of the sockets. You can throw in the feet if you don’t plan to make Pickled Pig’s Feet. When the head is thoroughly clean, boil it until all the flesh, contents of the head, skin, and cartilage fall off the bone. Try to let it boil low toward the end, so the broth will be reduced. Debone, reserving broth. Chop meat, add large minced onions, about eight cloves minced garlic, 1 teaspoon of salt and black pepper per pound of meat, three to five tablespoons sage, red pepper if you like spicy. Add 1/2 vinegar. Mix in enough of reserved broth to mix till consistency of cooked oatmeal. Pour into loaf pans. Cover with foil and cool overnight. By the next morning can be turned out and sliced for cold cuts or rolled in egg and flour and browned in skillet. Store covered in refrigerator up to a week. Freezes well
I recommend you serve it with Poke-Salad, Fried Mountain Oysters, Buzzard Butter, Pickled Pig’s Feet, Hopping John, and Hush Puppies.
Gary was out and about one day doing errands or some such and drove past a Amish store. Everyone knows the Amish make good cheese and Gary decided to go back and get some good Amish cheese. When he drove in there were a few horse and buggy rigs tied up here and there. Gary gets out of his truck and starts into the store. There is an Amish man with a shovel scooping up horse poop and putting it in a bucket. Gary says to the man “what are you going to do with that…” and the Amish man answers him that he is going to put it on his strawberries. Gary says ” put it on your strawberries…!!!” and the Amish man says ” yah… put it on my strawberries… it is very good on strawberries, what do you put on your strawberries” and Gary says… ” we put whipped cream on our strawberries.
Gary loads up a couple of cows to take to the sale barn one morning and gets hit by a Semi truck on the way to the sale barn…the Highway Patrol officer arrives on the scene of the accident and hollers… “hey! this cow over here is badly hurt”…”BOOOM” shoots the cow and states… “I put the poor thing out of it’s misery”… the officer then hurries on over to Gary and asks Gary…”Are you hurt?” Gary says…”no,no! I’m just fine,not hurt at all”….
It has been 10 months since we shared a Friday Funny, due to a lack of good material. Special thanks to Ed Jowers, Emeritus Jackson County Extension Director for sending this funny story to share:
Photo Credit: Scott Sommerdorf
The Chicken Cannon
Scientists at NASA built a special cannon to launch standard 6-pound, whole dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
Engineers working on the Bullet Train project heard about the cannon and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a cannon was sent to the Bullet Train engineers.
The engineers were excited to see the results of years of hard work and planning. They set up the experiment and even invited several government officials to attend that had championed the funding of this project. They had a grand ceremony with a countdown. The speedy bullet train roared down the test track at over 200 mph and the engineers fired the chicken cannon.
After the canon was fired, the engineers stood in shock as they viewed in horror at the damage. The shatterproof glass was smashed to smithereens, there was a huge hole in the control console, the driver’s seat had the head rest blown off, and the chicken embedded into the back wall of the train engine’s cabin.
Luckily this was an unmanned test, so no one was hurt except for the pride of the engineers. It was as if they were little boys who broke their prize Christmas present. That chicken trashed their modern marvel.
Immediately the engineers began assessing the damages, took numerous photos and measurements and sent a full report, along with their pages of scientific designs to engineers at NASA. The desperate engineers were totally dumbfounded and asked for an explanation of what could have possibly gone wrong? Their email to the head engineer at NASA said, “Please help us understand how to resolve this issue. We followed all standard protocols and double checked every safety precaution prior to the test with the chicken cannon!”
In just a few minutes, the Bullet Train engineers were shocked by the rapid response. The head engineer at NASA responded with just one short line in bold, all capital letters:
Tiffany was dating Robert. He had a good job just as she did. They were so much in love. When he took her to meet his parents in Florida, everything went really well until his brother Joseph came to visit. He pulled Tiffany into his lap in front of the entire family. She was humiliated. Robert walked over and helped her up and told Joseph not to do that again. The men’s parents laughed it off as a prank. Later Joseph caught her alone in the kitchen and pinned her against the wall, fondling her.
Uncle Albert was in his sixties, the weathered family patriarch. He’d had a hand in raising all his sister’s children since their father died young. They were all well aware that they might have starved without him. He was grouchy and not particularly fond of youngsters, so the young cousins had learned to steer clear of him.
Well-digging was an arduous task. A sturdy frame was built over the chosen spot. The nephews took turns using a pick and shovel to dig. Others pulled up buckets of the hard, red clay. Before long, they were all shirtless and sweating. Despite the difficulty, the work continued at a rapid pace since there was always a fresh worker to take the place of a fatigued one.
They enjoyed working together and laughed frequently. The women laid out a feast and called the children to eat before calling the men. Lou had never seen so such a large family. There must have been twenty children, most under twelve. Lynn had three cousins her age. Billy had three his age. There was a gaggle of babies and toddlers. There was never a quiet moment. The frantic mothers served their children plates of potato salad, beans and fried chicken and sent them off to sit on the ground and eat. The kids gobbled what they wanted and wasted the rest, rushing back to play.
The men crowded around the table, heaping their plates high. The women served themselves last. “This sure is some fine cooking.” one said.
”Pass the beans!” said another. They teased each other and the women all through the meal.
”Ronnie! Get out’a the road.” shouted Aunt Bessie! “Don’t make me get my switch.”
Warnings were frequently shouted at the wild children if they went near the well, hill, or river.
Lou had never played so excitedly. There were simultaneous games of baseball and hide and seek. General chaos ensued when younger children got too close and went down like bowling pins.
There were scoldings and swats aplenty when kids pushed their harried mothers too far, something that Lou had never seen. Most amazing of all, Lou was introduced to the outdoor toilet, a crude outbuilding built over a hole in the ground. “This is gross!” Lou said as she examined the facilities.
“You think this is gross! Wait till it’s been here a while. Whew!” Lynn laughed. “You won’t stay any longer than you can help”
They’d all been warned away from the log cabin in progress but eventually the parents’ vigilance wore thin. Mothers were putting the youngest ones down to nap on pallets. Suddenly, a rumble, clatter and shrieking came from the cabin. A couple of kids had slipped in and climbed on the log walls, collapsing them. Fortunately, nothing more serious than scrapes and bruises resulted.
Uncle Albert was clearly furious at the destruction of the cabin he’d worked so hard on. “You little devils. Y’all was told to stay out’a there! If you was mine I’d tan yore sorry hides.” The culprits were sternly lectured and some spanked by their fathers. The embarrassed men left the digging to the others and spent the rest of the day restacking logs. They brought them to an even higher level to make up for their boys’ bad behavior. Uncle Albert’s mood improved as the walls grew higher, though he continued to glare at the reckless boys.
As the day dragged on the sun went down and mosquitoes started to bite. Somebody built a bonfire. Mothers put insect repellent on the children and began to rock their sleepy babies.
”I sure wish they would knock off so we could get these kids home to bed.” Aunt Kat said.
”I know.” said Aunt Bonnie. “ They’re gonna have to finish tomorrow anyway.”
The kids raced in and out of the shadows of the fire, drunk on the joy of cousin-play. Finally the men gave up their digging, making the decision to continue Sunday morning. Sleeping babies were loaded in to vehicles for the trip home. Lynn, Lou, and Billy climbed into the back of the truck. Aunt Kat wrapped a them snuggly in an old quilt.
”Mother, it’s too hot!” Billy protested.
”It won’t be when we get going.” Aunt Kat said.
Sure enough, as soon as they started it was cool. The night was glorious. They looked up at the brilliant stars in the dark sky while bouncing along the wooded road. They were asleep before they’d gone a mile.
During World War II, the Army had soldiers doing maneuvers in the woods near Aunt Mary and Uncle Willie’s house in Sibley. Aunt Mary had been raving about the sex-crazed GIs running wild in the woods thereabouts, probably more to keep her girls in line than anything else. She wouldn’t even let them go to the toilet or hang clothes on the line by themselves. They always had to do everything three at a time. It must have been lovely crowding three girls in a two hole toilet on a hot day. God knows, one of them couldn’t have stood outside alone and unprotected.
I’ve gotten many questions about grits. Grits are a hot cereal, made from treating field corn with a lye process. Afterward, the grits are simmered, served as a breakfast cereal with butter and maybe sugar and milk. At our house, we spoon grits over eggs. (no sugar or milk) One of the most succulent and delicious dishes on this planet is Shrimp and Grits. If you ever see it on the menu at a coastal restaurant in the South or Southeast, order it, no matter who laughs at you. Be prepared to guard it with your life when it gets to the table. Everybody who laughed when you ordered will want a bite when they see how happy you are. Let them suffer!
Nutsrok 