Storytelling

Funniest Stories

Gary was out and about one day doing errands or some such and drove past a Amish store. Everyone knows the Amish make good cheese and Gary decided to go back and get some good Amish cheese. When he drove in there were a few horse and buggy rigs tied up here and there. Gary gets out of his truck and starts into the store. There is an Amish man with a shovel scooping up horse poop and putting it in a bucket. Gary says to the man “what are you going to do with that…” and the Amish man answers him that he is going to put it on his strawberries. Gary says ” put it on your strawberries…!!!” and the Amish man says ” yah… put it on my strawberries… it is very good on strawberries, what do you put on your strawberries” and Gary says… ” we put whipped cream on our strawberries.

Gary loads up a couple of cows to take to the sale barn one morning and gets hit by a Semi truck on the way to the sale barn…the Highway Patrol officer arrives on the scene of the accident and hollers… “hey! this cow over here is badly hurt”…”BOOOM” shoots the cow and states… “I put the poor thing out of it’s misery”… the officer then hurries on over to Gary and asks Gary…”Are you hurt?”  Gary says…”no,no! I’m just fine,not hurt at all”….

It has been 10 months since we shared a Friday Funny, due to a lack of good material.  Special thanks to Ed Jowers, Emeritus Jackson County Extension Director for sending this funny story to share:

Photo Credit: Scott Sommerdorf

The Chicken Cannon

Scientists at NASA built a special cannon to launch standard 6-pound, whole dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.  The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

Engineers working on the Bullet Train project heard about the cannon and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a cannon was sent to the Bullet Train engineers.

The engineers were excited to see the results of years of hard work and planning.  They set up the experiment and even invited several government officials to attend that had championed the funding of this project.  They had a grand ceremony with a countdown.  The speedy bullet train roared down the test track at over 200 mph and the engineers fired the chicken cannon.

After the canon was fired, the engineers stood in shock as they viewed in horror at the damage.  The shatterproof glass was smashed to smithereens, there was a huge hole in the control console, the driver’s seat had the head rest blown off, and the chicken embedded into the back wall of the train engine’s cabin.

Luckily this was an unmanned test, so no one was hurt except for the pride of the engineers.  It was as if they were little boys who broke their prize Christmas present.  That chicken trashed their modern marvel.

Immediately the engineers began assessing the damages, took numerous photos and measurements and sent a full report, along with their pages of scientific designs to engineers at NASA.  The desperate engineers were totally dumbfounded and asked for an explanation of what could have possibly gone wrong?  Their email to the head engineer at NASA said, “Please help us understand how to resolve this issue.  We followed all standard protocols and double checked every safety precaution prior to the test with the chicken cannon!”

In just a few minutes, the Bullet Train engineers were shocked by the rapid response.  The head engineer at NASA responded with just one short line in bold, all capital letters:

“DEFROST THE CHICKEN FIRST!”

Lou and Lynn Part 17 Family Bonds: A Day of Hard Work and Laughter

Uncle Albert was in his sixties, the weathered family patriarch. He’d had a hand in raising all his sister’s children since their father died young. They were all well aware that they might have starved without him. He was grouchy and not particularly fond of youngsters, so the young cousins had learned to steer clear of him.

Well-digging was an arduous task. A sturdy frame was built over the chosen spot. The nephews took turns using a pick and shovel to dig. Others pulled up buckets of the hard, red clay. Before long, they were all shirtless and sweating. Despite the difficulty, the work continued at a rapid pace since there was always a fresh worker to take the place of a fatigued one.

They enjoyed working together and laughed frequently.
The women laid out a feast and called the children to eat before calling the men. Lou had never seen so such a large family. There must have been twenty children, most under twelve. Lynn had three cousins her age. Billy had three his age. There was a gaggle of babies and toddlers. There was never a quiet moment. The frantic mothers served their children plates of potato salad, beans and fried chicken and sent them off to sit on the ground and eat. The kids gobbled what they wanted and wasted the rest, rushing back to play.

The men crowded around the table, heaping their plates high. The women served themselves last. “This sure is some fine cooking.” one said.

”Pass the beans!” said another. They teased each other and the women all through the meal.

”Ronnie! Get out’a the road.” shouted Aunt Bessie! “Don’t make me get my switch.”

Warnings were frequently shouted at the wild children if they went near the well, hill, or river.

Lou had never played so excitedly. There were simultaneous games of baseball and hide and seek. General chaos ensued when younger children got too close and went down like bowling pins.

There were scoldings and swats aplenty when kids pushed their harried mothers too far, something that Lou had never seen. Most amazing of all, Lou was introduced to the outdoor toilet, a crude outbuilding built over a hole in the ground. “This is gross!” Lou said as she examined the facilities.


“You think this is gross! Wait till it’s been here a while. Whew!” Lynn laughed. “You won’t stay any longer than you can help”

They’d all been warned away from the log cabin in progress but eventually the parents’ vigilance wore thin. Mothers were putting the youngest ones down to nap on pallets. Suddenly, a rumble, clatter and shrieking came from the cabin. A couple of kids had slipped in and climbed on the log walls, collapsing them. Fortunately, nothing more serious than scrapes and bruises resulted.

Uncle Albert was clearly furious at the destruction of the cabin he’d worked so hard on. “You little devils. Y’all was told to stay out’a there! If you was mine I’d tan yore sorry hides.” The culprits were sternly lectured and some spanked by their fathers. The embarrassed men left the digging to the others and spent the rest of the day restacking logs. They brought them to an even higher level to make up for their boys’ bad behavior. Uncle Albert’s mood improved as the walls grew higher, though he continued to glare at the reckless boys.

As the day dragged on the sun went down and mosquitoes started to bite. Somebody built a bonfire. Mothers put insect repellent on the children and began to rock their sleepy babies.

”I sure wish they would knock off so we could get these kids home to bed.” Aunt Kat said.

”I know.” said Aunt Bonnie. “ They’re gonna have to finish tomorrow anyway.”

The kids raced in and out of the shadows of the fire, drunk on the joy of cousin-play. Finally the men gave up their digging, making the decision to continue Sunday morning. Sleeping babies were loaded in to vehicles for the trip home. Lynn, Lou, and Billy climbed into the back of the truck. Aunt Kat wrapped a them snuggly in an old quilt.

”Mother, it’s too hot!” Billy protested.

”It won’t be when we get going.” Aunt Kat said.

Sure enough, as soon as they started it was cool. The night was glorious. They looked up at the brilliant stars in the dark sky while bouncing along the wooded road. They were asleep before they’d gone a mile.



To be continued:

Finish the Story #2

Joe met Francie working in kitchen at Oklahoma State Correctional Center. She was in for breaking and entering. He’d been busted for car theft. Thy found they had a lot in common. Frankie moved in with her sister Sue when she got out. Joe followed her to Sue’s when he got out. Joe came up with twenty bucks. Sue was broke but needed cigarettes. They agreed to buy her a pack if she’d give them a ride to the store. She waited in the car while they went in. Remembering something she needed, she decided to go in. Once inside, she saw Joe and Frankie stealing Finish the story in the comments.

Lou and Lynn Part 16 Uncle tAlbert’s Riverfront Cabin: A dangerous Family Adventure

Uncle Albert was building his house atop a hill over the river. Actually, he was taking apart his old log cabin and moving it near the river where he was reassembling it log by log with the help of his many nephews. Before he could get to that, he had to have a water well. Even though most people would have hired a business to drill one. Uncle Albert wouldn’t be doing that. He had no money. His nephews agreed to pitch in and dig one for him knowing they’d have to dig at least twenty feet to reach water.

The work had already started when Mr. Al came bumping up. Numerous cousins came running up to the truck calling “Lynn!” Or “Billy!” The children jumped out of the truck, ready to play with their cousins.

”Be careful!” called Aunt Kat, her warning falling on their disappearing backs. She went to join the women at a makeshift picnic area. Mr. Al joined the diggers at the well site.

One of the children had brought his red wagon. “Hey! Let’s take this wagon to the top of that hill and coast down!.” Several children climbed the gravel road up the steep hill, prepared to do that. Once they got there and looked down, Allen, the wagon’s owner reconsidered. The river’s high banks stretched near the bottom of the ride. “I changed my mind. Somebody else go first.”

”We’ll go.” called Lynn, glad for the first turn. She and Lou climbed in Allen gave the wagon a shove. They fairly flew down the hill, Lynn guiding the rattling wagon through the gravel. Dust fogged up behind them. The clattering of the descending wagon and cheers of the children caught the attention of their elders, who were horrified at the sight of the wagon flying down the hill toward the river below!

They dropped their work, shouting “Stop! Stop! The wagoneers could do nothing but hang on and pray for their lives. It turns out, Lynn and Lou got not only the first ride but the only ride. Lynn narrowly avoided crashing them off the high bluff into the river below.

The girls were rewarded with an angry lecture on how they’d nearly killed themselves. The wagon was confiscated!

To be continued:

Finish the story #1

Two brothers were walking to school. As they passed the gas station, a tall redheaded girl in a green hoody waved at Jerry, the older of the two. He told Lane, “Uh oh, I forgot my English homework. I have to run home and get it. You go on.”

Finish the story in the comments.

Lynn and Lou Part 15 Gathering Eggs: A Chicken Farm Tale

”Hurry and get dressed! We’re going to Uncle Albert’s today. The men are going to pitch in and dig him a well. Lynn, you and Lou go let the chickens out of the henhouse and feed them. Take this bucket and gather the eggs on your way back in. Billy put out water for the dogs and the chickens. Do NOT get wet. Come straight back in.”

The kids took off. Lynn opened the henhouse door and the chickens swarmed out. A fat hen jumped on top of Lou’s head. It was terrifying. She screamed and ran all over the chicken yard. The hen got tired of the wild ride and jumped off. Lynn laughed till tears ran down her cheeks. “I’m sorry. I forgot to tell you they do that sometimes. We raised all our chickens from babies, so they still think they’re tiny chicks.”

Yeah, sure, I’ll bet you forgot.” Lou replied. She wasn’t much upset. It probably did look funny.

“If you’re still scared, I’ll feed the chickens. They flock all around trying to get to the feed. One of them might jump on you. They won’t hurt you.” Lynn said.

”That’s okay. I was just surprised. I’ll feed them.” She scattered chicken feed all inside the chicken yard. They quickly lost interest in her. “This is actually kind of fun.”

Lynn took the egg basket over to the row of nesting boxes. They were about head high. Rather than take the time to climb the ladder, Lynn stood on tiptoe, pulling one egg from each nest. When she reached in the last nest, she screamed and took off at a run, slinging eggs along the way. “Snake! Snake! Mother! There’s a snake in the nest!” she screamed. “I hate snakes!”

Aunt Kat came at a run. She grabbed a hoe next to the chicken yard gate. She climbed a couple of steps up the ladder and raked the snake out on the ground where she chopped his head off with the hoe. The dogs were going crazy with joy. One grabbed the head, another the body. Feeling cheated, the others took off after the two lucky ones, trying to snatch their prize. Aunt Kat laughed and put her hands on her hips, “Well, I bet I won’t have to remind anybody not to reach in the nest without looking, will I? She gathered up the few unbroken eggs. “Girls, take the hoe and scratch some dirt over these broken eggs. We don’t want the dogs to start sucking eggs. Hurry, Daddy’s almost ready to go.”

The kids were in awe of what she’d done.”Your mother is the bravest woman I’ve ever seen!” said Lou: “I’m so glad I didn’t gather eggs.”

When they got back in, Mr. Al was loading the old truck with shovels and rope. Aunt Kat and the girls brought out a big basket with picnic lunch. “Get in the back and sit down. Don’t you climb up on the rails. If I have to stop and straighten you out, it won’t be good!”

”Yes Sir” they all answered. No one could have convinced her to move. She’d never seen anyone ride in the back of a truck.

Aunt Kat came around to the back of the truck and handed Lynn a brown paper bag of hot sausage biscuits with jam. “You each have two apiece, but don’t waste them. You might want one for a snack later” she said. She got in the cab of the truck. She put Connie in the car seat and clung to the little baby as the truck bumped off down the gravel road. Dust fogged up behind the truck.

Lou dug in. The biscuit sandwiches were so good, she gobbled both. What a wonderful way to start the morning.

Lou and Lynn Part 15 The Pea-Shelling Party: A Tale of Community and Fun

Mr. Al had to work the three to eleven shift that afternoon. Just before he was to leave for work, a peddler came by selling peas. Mr. Al came in carrying a huge load of peas. Aunt Kat looked appalled. “Oh no! I was planning to do laundry and mop this afternoon. Now we have to shell peas!” She spread a clean sheet on the floor and Mr. Al poured out the peas. A heap about two feet high covered three-quarters of the sheet.

“I know said Mr. Al “but we have to get peas when they’re available. These should get us through the winter.”

“I know, “ said Aunt Kat, “but it will be a big job for me and the kids to get these done by ourselves. They’ll go bad if I don’t get them in the freezer tonight.“

“I’ve gotta go. I gotta pick up Arnie for work. I’ll see if Betsy and her girl can come help.”

“That would really help.” She cheered up, knowing they would probably come help. They often helped each other on big jobs.

Soon enough, Miss Betsy and Sharon peeked in the front door. “Yoo hoo! Your help’s here.” called out Miss Betsy.

“Oh, thank you! I couldn’t imagine how I’d get all these done. Girls, get everybody a pan and let’s get started.” Lou had never seen peas shelled but she caught on quickly. The bad thing was, the purple of the pea shells stained her hands and under her fingernails. Aunt Kat told her it would wear off in a day or two.

Miss Betsy was a lot of fun. She had them laughing hysterically over her stories. Even the big baby liked her. The best thing was, Sharon loved babies. She held the little baby all the time except when the she napped. She teased Connie and kept her giggling.

Aunt Kat introduced a game called gossip they could play as the pile of peas decreased. The leader whispered a few words into the ear of the person next to them. The words couldn’t be repeated once spoken. The whispered message obviously got mangled as it passed from person to person. The last person in line revealed the message. It was hilarious. The original message “My kitten has blue eyes,” turned into “My wigwam has fried pies” They played till everyone got a chance to whisper the starting message.

After that, they all sang songs. It was like a party. Even seven-year-old Billy took his turn leading them in song. They played I Spy. They were making tremendous progress on the pile of peas when Aunt Kat took a break to make peanut butter sandwiches and kool aid for the pea shellers. By the time they were through with the peas, it was getting dusky dark. “We’d better head home before it gets too dark,” Miss Betsy said.”We have flashlights” We heard them singing far down the road.

We’d shelled two big dishpans of peas. They’d be eating peas long after I was back home. That almost felt a little sad.

Unlike washing dishes, the pea-shelling party was fun. I wished it could have gone on longer.

I was exhausted when I went to bed, too tired to talk. Loua woke me upu still had the big light on when I went to sleep. She was awakened by Grandma humming, “You are My Sunshine.”

“Grandma, I knew you’d get me home! I woke up in my own bed this morning.” said Lou, excitedly.

“Quiet!” said Grandma. “They can’t hear me but they can sure hear you. I almost messed up this morning l. It’s a wonder I didn’t spaghettify you. I can’t take that chance agin. I tried to get the bike and tore it in half. You’ll see in the morning. I’m not going to try again till I’m sure. You’re going to be here a little longer.”

“Where are you? Lou asked.

“ I think between yesterday and tomorrow. I like it. The strange thing is, a person can be in more than one place at a time. You are still at home with your parents and you are here. I’m trying to get all of you safely together at home. I’m at home and here in between.” said Grandma.

“So that’s why Mom’s not worried. I’m home, too.”

“Yes, it is but I will get you home. Don’t get discouraged.” Grandma said.

“I’ll try.” said Lou. I’m actually having a lot of fun. I like Lynn. She seems kind of familiar.”

Grandma seemed a little somber.”I won’t be back for a while. I’m getting some help from some really smart guys. We will get you home!”

The next thing she knew, Aunt Kat was waking her up.

To be continued:

Finish the Story

Doris and Fred had been married forty-two years. Three of their four children had left the nest but thirty nine-year-old Jamie kept showing back up, often with a woman in tow. Doris was thoroughly sick of him but Fred kept the door open.

He and his current love interest had been lying about for nearly two months when Fred suddenly died. Doris,,,,,,,,,finish the story.

Either copy and paste into a new post or finish in comments

Lou and Lyn Part 13 Kids’ Adventures: Tree Climbing and Chores

The sheriff left. Lynn’s dad turned to Lou. “Looks like you’re gonna be here for a while so we better get some things straight. You can call me Mr. Al. I don’t know what you’re up to but you’ve dragged me and my family into it. There’s gonna be no more lyin’ and no more nonsense about Houston an’ you bein’ born in 2015. I don’t want anymore nonsense out of you. As long as you stay here, you’re gonna follow my rules and pull your weight just the same as my kids. When you speak to an adult, you’re gonna say ma’am and sir. You will do as you are told. Do you understand?”

Lou wilted under his glare, “Uh huh.”

“You mean Yes Sir, don’t you?” he corrected her.

“Yes Sir.” she answered.

“That’s better. Now you girls get that kitchen cleaned up. Billy let’s go check on the goats.”

“Yes Sir, “ said Billy, scampering after his daddy. He was clearly looking forward to the adventure.

The girls busied themselves clearing the breakfast table. The dishes from last night’s dinner awaited them in the sink. Lynn ran scalding water over the glasses and silverware. “Ooh! What a gross mess! I hate doing old dirty dishes! These are going to have to soak while we clean up this other mess Yuck!”


Lou agreed. It looked like a hopeless task. This was only her second time to do dishes and already she hated it.
Aunt Kat came through putting a load of diapers in the washer. “After you get the dishes done, these diapers need to go on the line. Then you girls can go play awhile.” She made it sound like all that would only take a minute.

”Huh!” Said Lynn. By then it will be time to do the supper dishes.”

”Now, it’s not that bad. Lou is helping you. That should cut your work in half!” she said cheerfully. “I know you want to go play but I can’t do everything.”

”I know, Mother. You tell me that everyday.” she said.

”Don’t you get smart, young lady. The sooner you get started the sooner you’ll be done.” Aunt Kat said.

”Yes, Ma’am.” Lynn answered.

It took them over an hour to clean up the kitchen. Hanging up the diapers was actually a pleasant task. Lynn showed Lou how to pop them and hang them straight on the line. When the last was pinned up, Lynn said, “Let’s get out of here before Mother thinks of anything else. Let’s go see the goats.”

The friends ran barefoot toward the barn and scampered up the fence. Two nanny goats, each with a kid, bleated up at them. A big billy goat stared up at them, shaking his head threateningly. “Ooh!” he looks mean, said Lynn. Look at his eyes. They look like devil eyes. His pupils go straight up and down, not round like people.”

”Oh, wow! They are weird! Those babies are so cute! Can we pet them?” Asked Lou.

”We’ll have to ask Daddy.” Lynn told her.

”That’s okay.” said Lou. She was in no hurry to talk to Mr. Al

”Do you want to ride a pine tree?” asked Lynn. She ran to a stand of trees across the field. “Watch this!” She skittered up a skinny pine. As she got about three-quarters of the way up, the top started to bend over. She swung back and forth several times till it got close enough to drop to the ground. The tree sprang right back up. “Wow that was great! Do you want to try? You get a tree about this tall and this big around. She pointed out just the right tree. You climb up till it starts to bend, then you start swinging back and forth. When it goes low enough, you drop off. If the tree is too little, it will break off. If it’s too big, it’ll sling you a mile. Try this one.”

“Is it safe?” Lou asked.

“I guess so.” Lynn laughed. “I never got killed yet.”

Lou shinnied up the tree. It was harder than it looked. When she got up pretty high, it started to limber up. “Now, start swinging!” Lou shouted. “When you start getting close to the ground, drop off! I’ll tell you when.”

Lou hung on and flung herself to the left. The tree swayed. When it corrected, she swung to the right. Soon she was swinging broadly from side to side, finally nearing the ground. “Drop off! Drop off!” Shouted Lynn. Lou turned loose and fell a few feet to the ground. It was the most exciting ride she’d ever had, like flying! She couldn’t stopped laughing.

”That was cool! It felt like I was flying. I want to do it again!” She ran to another tree, quickly climbing till it swayed. The girls rode the trees all morning until they heard the car horn honking.


“Uh oh. Mother wants us. We gotta run.” She raced toward the house. Though Lou was exhausted, she tried to keep up.

To be continued: