HumorMatterstm

Christmas  Jokes

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

I told Santa you were good this year….and
He hasn’t stopped laughing since!

Entering  Heaven

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
 
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes  Christmas to get into heaven.”
 
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
 
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”
 
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s glasses.
 
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
 
The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”

 You Better be Good

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.
 
Sarah’s parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn’t like it when children fight. This had little impact.
 
“I’ll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior,” the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah’s eyes grew big as her mother asked “Mrs. Claus” (really Sarah’s aunt; Santa’s real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah’s mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah’s uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
 
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.
 
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa’s remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, “What did Santa say to you, dear?”
 
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, “Santa said he won’t be bringing toys to my sister this year.”

A Christmas Gift
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”

“She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

Signs of Christmas EverywhereSubmitted by L Jon
Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”

Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”

Outside a church: “The original Christmas Club.”

At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale. 
Come in and mangle with the crowd.”

A Texas jewelry store: “Diamond tiaras — $70,000. 
Three for $200,000.

A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”

In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything… 
a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”

A Sign of the TimesAs a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”

Santa Stats
From http://www.JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com

There are currently 78 people named S. Claus 
living in the U.S. — and one Kriss Kringle.
(You gotta wonder about that one kid’s parents)

December is the most popular month for nose jobs.

Weight of Santa’s sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby 
for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.

Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton s
sleigh: 214,206 — plus Rudolph.

Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour. 
With real beard: $20.

To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to 
make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times 
the speed of sound.

At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame
instantaneously.

Do You Know Santa’s True Profession???
Submitted by KSmith

Consider the following:

1. You never actually see Santa, only his “assistants.”
2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
3. Santa doesn’t really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers 
to do all his work for him, but he’s the one who everybody credits 
with the work.
4. Santa doesn’t work anywhere near a 40 hour week.
5. Santa travels a lot.

Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

At Grandma’s- Written by Tab Nettleton
Submitted by Joke-Of-The-Day.com member
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.  At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. 

“I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE…
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO… 
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR…”

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”  To which the little brother replied, “No, but Gramma is!”

Christmas FiremanIn a small Southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed   great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature  bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.  Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a “Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said “See, it says right here,